I posted on here before with another account about my future MIL giving me major red flags by constantly buying me sexy underwear and tiny bikinis from the moment she first met me (we live in different countries and I don’t speak her language). One of the comments to my post warned me that she is probably fetishizing me (after observing her more I can confirm it’s most likely true) and it’s gonna become worse when I get pregnant.
The time has come sooner than I imagined and I need advice on how to handle her please….
She does not know I’m pregnant yet, but for context when we announced our engagement she jumped in excitement hugging just my fiance and immediately said ” I want a baby”. It gave me immediate creeps but I managed not to react the first time. She then repeated it to my face and that’s when I lost my cool and said ” you can adopt if you want a baby” (I’m often sarcastic so it wasn’t very unusual, but not my proudest moment).I’m sure she understood I don’t appreciate these comments but of course that did not stop her and she continued talking only about what kind of baby SHE wants while completely ignoring the fact that what we announced is an engagement only. It would have been nice if she asked about how did he propose or something about our future wedding but she didn’t. Instead the next morning she proceeded to show videos of blond boys saying she wants a boy like this (the fetishizing part right here as his whole family is very dark Mediterranean, I’m north European but not even blond).Previously she used to constantly admire me and try to “accidentally” touch me, which kind of stopped as soon as I gained a little weight. She also mentioned that the girl has to look like him not me, which sounded very rude and nobody even bothered explaining this comment until his friend told me she probably meant that girls often look like their dads (?). I looked at my partner right there and said that this conversation is tactless as I we never said we want to have kids. He never told her to stop. All I could do for the rest of the time due to language barrier is to keep saying “what baby?’ every time she came up with another thing she wants her baby to have.
After these interactions it put me off having kids so much, because I suspected she is going to be a possessive grandma and living in different countries is not going to be much of an obsticle for her. I was hopping it would start only when the time comes but instead she started it already which is not a good sign at all. Turns out I’m pregnant already and I’m scared of having to fight her other personal boundaries on my own. My partner knows which behaviours I don’t tolerate well from her but is not managing it as she is very stubborn and he knows she wouldn’t listen. He is also very bad in general with personal boundaries and sees his mother as perfect, so my way of dealing with her lately has been avoiding visiting her too often.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as ThisInternal9442 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ThisInternal9442 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Not at all overreacting. She’s nuts.
You seem pretty capable of putting up boundaries. I wouldn’t wait for your partner to get on board.
Don’t tell your MIL the correct due date. Tell her one that’s a few weeks later. Start practicing the phrase “Give me my baby back now.” Don’t visit her at all during your pregnancy.
Make it clear to your partner that she can visit a month after the baby is born. You need that time to recover enough so that she can’t do things like take off with the pram while you shuffle behind it run off to another room with kiddo. If she shows up before the agreed to date, she’s not going to see the baby. Period. Seriously, don’t fall for this!!!! It sets the precedent. And you’ll see most people in here who give in deeply regret it.
And most importantly you need to start getting your fiancé to understand that his role is as a father and a soon to be husband before a son. What is best for this baby and for you has to be the priority over his mom. So if she is impacting your mental health, that’s impacting the health and safety of the family unit his child is going to grow up in.
Full baby rules must apply OP.No snatching baby out of mom’s arms,no picking baby up out of cot etc and definitely not when sleeping.Don’t turn your back on mom & NEVER try to leave the room.Give baby back immediate there’s any crying and don’t kiss baby under threat of permanent exile.
Visits to be no more than an hour and no more than five in any week.”By the way MIL where are you staying because it sure as hell won’t be with us”
I strongly suggest that you and your husband get into therapy NOW to make sure you’re on the same page (or confirm his absolute refusal to set or enforce any boundaries with his mother). Do this before either of you tell her you’re pregnant. Then you will have the information you need to decide how to proceed with his mother.