Husband (55M) and I (42F) live in Florida with our 6 year old son. We have been married for 8 years. I moved to Florida from my home state about 10 years ago for a job and although the job went south, I stayed when I met my husband.
I have always missed my home state and my immediate family but it has been very difficult to move any closer due to the fact that my husband has older parents in Florida (they live about 30 min from us) and is an only child, in addition to the fact that he has a secure and stable job that would be very difficult to replicate anywhere else.
Although it would be my strong preference to move closer to my family, I realize that is not going to work out in the near future. I thought the best compromise would be to spend longer periods of time visiting my parents and staying at their home (winter holiday and 6-8 weeks of the summer). They have a large home that can comfortably fit all 3 of us, but I don’t expect my husband to want to stay the entire time in the summer so we agreed my son and I would arrive about 2 weeks earlier and leave 1-2 weeks later. My husband still finds his 3 week stays to be very restrictive and uncomfortable. He has had increasing friction with my parents particularly on parenting our child while we are there and would like more alone time with me while we are there, although my parents are uncomfortable taking care of our child solo to allow us to have dates. He also does not like not having the freedom to go where he pleases when he pleases while he is there due to not having a car and having to use my parents car. From my perspective, I am just asking him to put up with the discomfort for a few weeks out of the year. It is hard for them to visit us due to my grandmother, who is nearly 100 and lives with my parents. This has caused growing tension between us but I feel like this is the only way I’m going to be able to deal with living away from my home state. Any advice on how to deal with this without destroying the relationship?
TL;DR: husband upset at staying with his out of state in-laws a few weeks out of the year. Hard for them to visit us due to older grandmother. Is husband being unreasonable?
Comments
He’s probably just feeling trapped and out of his routine. U missing ur fam is valid, but maybe make it 2 weeks max with him and the rest just u and ur kid. That way u both don’t build up resentment
Can he come up for less than 3 weeks, or not come up at all? I do think three weeks is a long time to be somewhere that he’s not comfortable, and I think you staying with them 2-3 months a year is a lot. Yet, you are sacrificing too…since you are solely living where you are because of his parents.
A few weeks??! Sorry but there’s absolutely no way I would be staying with my in-laws (as nice as they are) for anywhere near that length of time
3 weeks can feel very long in a space where you don’t feel like you have your own privacy nor volition to move about. I also would struggle with getting comfortable.
Are you ok with reducing the expectation of his stay to one week? I can’t tell if he has to use PTO to be with your family or if he’s able to work from home.
Can yall figure it out financially where you get a hotel when he’s there and possibly rent a car? I can’t imagine taking 3 weeks of my vacation time and not getting to spend any alone time with my spouse, have to ask to go anywhere, AND have to stay in someone else’s house where you can never really get fully relaxed etc.
A few weeks of the year as the houseguest of someone you are not comfortable enough with to fart in front of is an eternity.
And if he works a job that doesnt let him get away for long vacations, it sounds like maybe you’re expecting him to spend his entire vacation imposing on your parents.
Your husband isnt being unreasonable– it sounds like you are. And what were his inputs to your compromize? Was he enthusiastic? Did he accept it begrudgingly? Did you make a unilateral decision on how your family would spend your main vacation of the year?
And you taking your son for 6-8 weeks?
I’m really struggling with how you could possibly think your husband is being unreasonable. US companies give like 2 weeks ofnvacation a year on averge, so if he can wrangle the three you’re expecting, he’s already taking 50% more vacation than the Average salaried emoloyee gets a year.
Take a step back and a few deep breaths and if you can still look at your post and not think you’ve put your entire family– inlaws included– in an awkward and uncomfortable position, there maybe some personality disorder you’re struggling with that a diagnosis from an expert could help you start addressing.
I think he’s just burnt out from feeling like a guest for so long. Even 2-3 weeks can feel like forever if it’s not ur own space. Maybe plan breaks or mini-dates with him so he feels like he’s not just tagging along