My husband and I are currently 1.5 months into a minimum six-month no-contact boundary with his mom due to a long-standing pattern of manipulative and emotionally harmful behavior toward me, him, and our kids. We both agreed on this boundary to protect our family and create space to heal.
Now there’s a birthday party in two weeks — hosted by his sister — and my husband wants to bring our kids so they can see her. The issue is, while his mom may not be the host, she will be there, and the party is still very much a family gathering on her side.
Our kids have only met his sister once in their lives, so there isn’t an established relationship there. This would mainly be about keeping that door open, which I understand in theory — but the timing and setting make it complicated.
To add context: his sister lives out of state and is only visiting for the weekend. I suggested he call her and try to make separate time for us and the kids to visit with her without his mom being involved, even briefly — but he refuses to ask. He says she’s probably busy and won’t have time, but he’s basing that on assumption, not an actual conversation.
Also worth noting: my husband and his mom are currently in therapy together and have had two sessions so far. Things are still very new and fragile. Historically, his mom has used small “exceptions” like this to love-bomb, rewrite the narrative, or play the victim — and every time we’ve made space too soon, it’s led to setbacks.
I told him I’m not comfortable with taking a break from the boundary just two months in. He thinks I’m being too rigid and says, “It’s just one party.” But to me, it’s not just about one party — it’s about consistency, clarity, and protecting the progress we’re trying to make.
This doesn’t feel like a simple visit with his sister; it feels like a test of our boundary. I don’t want to alienate anyone, but I also don’t want to send mixed messages or backslide.
Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone dealt with similar pressure to “make an exception”? What helped you stay grounded in your decision?
Thanks in advance for your insight.
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If it were me, I would insist a party isn’t the place for a first time meeting after a break, regardless of other factors. The first meeting should involve adults only, leave the kids out of it. If his sister really wants to see your kids, surely they can find another time during the weekend.
If he continues to push to make an exception, tell him the time out is useless and you two need therapy because he isn’t putting you and his kids first. If he was, he’d be asking his sister about seeing her a separate time and accepting that as the only solution at this moment.
Nope. He can either make the call to his sister or go by himself if he wants. He is a big boy. He wants to use the kids as a buffer. Well too bad. He can follow through and have a happy wife. Or he can break the promise and have a bad time at home.
Hell no. Don’t go and don’t let the kids go. If they want to see their aunt, invite her alone to your house for dinner or something.
>but he refuses to ask. He says she’s probably busy and won’t have time, but he’s basing that on assumption, not an actual conversation.
oh, so this is all your husband not wanting to go through with the NC. I’m sorry.
“DH, we had an agreement, and you are trying to go back on it using the flimsiest excuse. You are free to go play court to your mother at your sister’s house, but the children and I will be staying home. Furthermore, the six months will start over if you go see them. Maybe we should look into couple’s counseling to see why visiting extended family matters more to you than honoring the agreements you make with me as your wife and the mother of your children.”
The grown ass man can go why does he need kiddie backup.
Are you and your husband doing therapy while he’s doing therapy with his mom? Seems like a good way for her to triangulate the relationship against you. I’d want a neutral party involved as a buffer between you and DH while he is doing this. If you agreed on 6 mo, it should be 6 mo. Otherwise your word means nothing and she knows that.
You have a major husband problem. He seems like he just can’t stick to the plan. I’d hold hard on this and say no, continue your therapy with your mom, the kids are not going.
A 6 month time out and he wants to break it at 6 weeks!?! Your husband is willing to “compromise” to avoid “upsetting his sister” yet won’t SPEAK to the primary people involved about the issue! He’s backing down from his supposed support of this mutual marital boundary and putting ALL of the mental and emotional labor onto OP!
Was he lying to OP to “avoid upsetting” her a month and a half ago when this “boundary” was established? Or is his commitment to the health, safety and autonomy of his wife and marriage so tissue thin that HE wants to violate this boundary at the first “event?”
6 months is half a year. There will be holidays, birthdays, announcements and events. Surely this comes as no surprise to a grown man!
This is 100% the husband’s problem. HE needs to figure out how to maintain relationships with his extended family without relying on or including his mother. He is far too passive.
Respectfully, I don’t think you need advice. You’re 100% spot on in your own assessment of the situation. If you want validation, you have it in spades!
Your husband’s doubly disappointing, in my opinion. First, I think he knows damn well that this choice goes against everything your NC seeks to accomplish. Second, he’s an apple not far from the tree using the same manipulation tactics as his problematic mom.
Stay strong! You’re doing the right thing.
Edit: typo
I have always understood you should never go to therapy with your abuser. He should be in individual therapy and let Mother Gothel do therapy on her own.
Your husband can go alone, but you and the kids are a minimum 6 months NC. He is looking for a reason to end the NC. If he’s in therapy with her, he’s not NC with her. He needs to prioritize you and your children over extended family, period.
Absolutely do not break the NC. He can arrange for your kids to meet sister separately.
Call the sister yourself and find out her schedule and see if you can make arrangements before or after the party. “Babe I agree I want to get to know Sister better. She was great when we spoke on the phone. I set up a movie night for the kids at her house on such a day and a luncheon water slide party for the afternoon following the birthday. WE won’t be going to the party. You’re welcome to do whatever you like.”
Plan a different activity with the kids the day of the party. Something special happening at the zoo? A wildlife park adventure? Children museum? Library event? Literally anything that you can say – well the kids and I have a county fair that day you can come with us or go to Sister’s but we will all be there again just our family the next evening so it’s up to you.”
Be proactive and be busy that specific party day. 🙂
I went NC 18 months ago and my SO has never pressured me. Even when it came to the kids bday parties he let me lead with what I was comfortable with. As to what helps: I made a 13 page list of all the boundaries MIL has crossed. And when I post here my SO reads all the comments. That’s how I stay grounded.
You’ve offered a reasonable alternative to breaking the agreement and he refused. He wants an agreement with more loop holes than a knitted shawl.
Nope, not being unreasonable at all.
Let me reframe this in different terms. Presuming your marriage is a closed marriage and you both took a vow of fidelity, how would DH like it if you asked for an “exception” to fidelity cuz your ex boy friend is in town for the weekend? If we flipped the script, how open would you be to such an exception?
No, not open to infidelity by permitted exception; so why is this agreement with you any different? It’s not. Adhering to the agreements we make with one another is a demonstration of our faithfulness to each other.
A question for therapy: are you willing to keep faith with me? If yes, stop seeking exceptions. You know the answer.
The “just one party” sets a precedent that shows her just what she has to do to get access to your kids without all the hard work of respecting boundaries. How long before she has his sister host parties just so she gets to play grandma?
It seems that he’s not interested in maintaining the 6month time frame. This will be an exception, but look at how nice she was, she was great….. she’ll play nice for half a minute then you’ll end up restarting the NC, but you’ll be the bad guy.
I’d ask to address it with you in therapy or see sister outside of the party or nothing at all. Give him choices that you can live with and it seems that any contact is not something you want to live with right now. How old are the LO’s?
If, IF you give him what he wants, keep LO’s attached to your hip for the ENTIRE party. If mil tries something, narrate for the kids, “right now mil is playing nicely, but just a few weeks ago we had to put her in a time out bc of this thing she did and it’s not nice/kind to behave that way, so let’s learn from mil’s behavior that we do NOT treat others like that” – or something to that effect. Don’t give her the chance to change the narrative of her behavior. And if other family calls you super innocent eyes and explain that you’re working on teaching the babies appropriate behavior and since mil demonstrated inappropriate behavior you’re using that information so that they learn that even family has to follow that basic “rules” of social interaction.
From a quick peek at your history it sounds like he found a way to break your boundary and trying to make it look innocuous.
No, you’re not unreasonable. There is no boundary if you constantly “adjust” it. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It’s something you agreed to and he needs to abide by it.
I would call his sister and tell her, since he’s too timid to do it. Just be honest and direct.
The fact that he’s not even willing to attempt an alternative would make me hold strong. If the relationship with his sister isn’t important enough to ask if he can visit with her other than the party, the relationship with his sister isn’t important enough to break NC.
You have a husband problem! He will NEVER change as long as YOU ALLOW him to bully you. Stick to your boundaries!
It’s just one conversation with his sister, why can’t he have it?
Hold the line. You already suggested a reasonable compromise and he rejected it.
At this point, it’s up to him to figure out a solution on how the kiddos can see his sister WITHOUT his mother present.
I’m assuming he was aware ahead of time that his sister was visiting and you were NC with his mom. He knew this would be an issue and he’s done nothing to fix it. Instead he tells you that YOU have to compromise (yet again) for his mother.
If you’re in couples counseling be sure to bring this up at your next session. If you’re not in couples counseling, you need to be since your husband is easily manipulated OR he’s trying to manipulate you.
hard no. being out of state does not mean his sister is inaccessible forever except for this moment – and he’s not willing to consider alternative options. i think it’s worth acknowledging that you see why he wants to jump at this opportunity, but without even reading your post history i can see that you’ve got ample reasons why this just won’t work out.
the thing about time-out is that it is painful for everyone at moments like these. i think recognizing that is good, and the essential next step is staying grounded in why it’s necessary and who’s responsible for this outcome (hint: it’s MIL and maybe DH).
If your husband is in therapy with her, he is not NC and your boundary is only *your* boundary, not his. That makes it feel more reasonable to him to violate it. You have a husband problem. He won’t even make a phone call to respect your boundary.
OP, advise your DH that it is his choice to go visit his SIL however the agreement was 6 months and whilst he wants to break that agreement for himself it still stands for you and the kids.
You keep discussing it with him can be perceived that you are asking for his support and agreement for you all not to go. Whilst it would be appropriate for him to support you, if he doesn’t it still should not stop you from going. Organise something else on the day for you and the kids to attend to make yourselves unavailable.
DH can choose to break no contact for himself, but he can’t unilaterally decide for you and the kids.
DH is either welcome to make separate arrangements with sister, or go by himself. The fact that he isn’t even trying to do than makes me think he is try to open the door. Be firm.
So sister lives out of state. Do you know her well? Sounds like you aren’t able to text her directly. Could she be begging him to show up because she doesn’t want to be alone with mom? I’d be super curious to hear her POV.
Either way, you and kids should maintain NC. Hubby can do what he thinks he must, I guess.