I 38F find myself becoming more and more emotionally detached fron my husband 42M after every fight we have.
We’ve been together for 3 years married 2.
Our first year of marriage was incredibly difficult and we still haven’t fully recovered from it. While before I would feel anger, frustration, or sadness, I feel like things have developed more into indifference and me wanting to do my own thing.
During our first year of marriage I quickly got pregnant, but then also had a miscarriage. While I was recovering I felt like I was living a dream. I’ve never had anyone be there for me like that. He helped take care of my daughter, the animals, me, it felt like we were mourning together but in a truly healthy way, and as a couple. That feeling of partnership didn’t last long.
After recovering I found out I was getting laid of (I’m the bread winner), and it felt like almost everything flipped upside down. He would get short with me, moody, have a really mean tone, and sometimes fly off the handle.
It felt like to me nothing I could ever do was right, almost as if my existence was the problem.
I can’t even count the amount of times I cried myself to sleep because I went from this high if feeling emotionally supported and love to this new low of abandonment, silent treatment, and sadness.
He would often go to bed without even speaking with me, and I would just roll over and cry.
Then when we would fight it would be explosive.
He’s gotten violent in the past, threw me to the ground once.
Broke the french press another time.
He also has been incredibly cruel with his words, one time telling me he hated me.
All I could do was sit there and cry, then something broke in me that time. As I was crying in front of him, wanting him to see it hurt, wanting him to care. It hit me… he isn’t going to.
Fast forward to today. Things are much butter he started taking anti depressants and that’s helped a lot, but he still has moods, they are dialed down majorly now though, instead of yelling or breaking things he recognizes he’s upset and just walks away.
But tonight was different, when he walked away I realized I frankly didn’t care anymore.
It’s not even that I resentfully don’t care, I just genuinely for the first time don’t care of he’s in a bad mood.
I carried on with my night, and just did me.
I dont really even know what that means and is breaks my heart.
Is my marriage emotionally dead? Am I suppressing my emotions and I’m not realizing it? I dont think so?
I just feel i different to him and his feelings now, and I absolutely don’t care to share mine any longer… thats what caused out fights before.
Is my marriage over? I dont know what this means.
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I think the bigger issue is that he is abusive and violent. You and your child should not be around someone like that