I need advice on dealing with my wife’s mental health
Hello Morgan and company and audience.
I am married with two teenage children.
From the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she has had occasional episodes of poor mental health.
In the past, she has gotten help and has always welcomed my participation in that process. I have sat with her during sessions with talk therapists, and I have even attended sessions with psychiatrists.
This has always helped both her and our relationship.
However, recently she has begun to behave in the manner of that Hollywood cliché mental health patient who refuses help.
She rejects help from doctors and she now views me as the enemy.
Recently, this took the form of her engaging in an attempt at self harm.
I was able to save her from herself in a moment where, with the children home she attempted to grab at knives and then use them to Staab herself.
At the time of the incident, my children were in their rooms with the door closed. They appear to have not heard any of what happened.
In the wake of this incident, she fired her doctor and accused the two of us, the doctor and me, of engaging in a conspiracy against her.
This has now led her to seek the comfort of men who are largely strangers. Because they don’t know her history, and they pose no threat to her perception of herself and her perception of the people around her is trying to do her harm in someway.
I have tried, I think successfully, to shield my children from most of this. My wife and I are now at a point where we have agreed to divorce because her behavior has breached the fundamental building blocks of a marriage, or any monogamous relationship, and she has made it quite clear that she has no intention of changing her behavior.
I have told the children only as much as they need to know in the event that something like another self harm incident occurs.
I have kept them from knowledge of the worst of my wife’s behaviors, as I don’t think it would have any productive benefit at this point.
My daughter is in college and my son will join her in about a year.
I am committed to being as good a father, and a partner as I possibly can be under the circumstances, and to providing a stable place for them to come visit or to live if they need it for the rest of my life. I do not plan to disparage my wife in front of them or to them in anyway.
If any of you have dealt with a parent or partner with mental health issues, I would welcome any feedback as to whether I am doing the right thing. Thanks very much in advance.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I need advice on dealing with my wife’s mental health
Hello Morgan and company and audience.
I am married with two teenage children.
From the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she has had occasional episodes of poor mental health.
In the past, she has gotten help and has always welcomed my participation in that process. I have sat with her during sessions with talk therapists, and I have even attended sessions with psychiatrists.
This has always helped both her and our relationship.
However, recently she has begun to behave in the manner of that Hollywood cliché mental health patient who refuses help.
She rejects help from doctors and she now views me as the enemy.
Recently, this took the form of her engaging in an attempt at self harm.
I was able to save her from herself in a moment where, with the children home she attempted to grab at knives and then use them to Staab herself.
At the time of the incident, my children were in their rooms with the door closed. They appear to have not heard any of what happened.
In the wake of this incident, she fired her doctor and accused the two of us, the doctor and me, of engaging in a conspiracy against her.
This has now led her to seek the comfort of men who are largely strangers. Because they don’t know her history, and they pose no threat to her perception of herself and her perception of the people around her is trying to do her harm in someway.
I have tried, I think successfully, to shield my children from most of this. My wife and I are now at a point where we have agreed to divorce because her behavior has breached the fundamental building blocks of a marriage, or any monogamous relationship, and she has made it quite clear that she has no intention of changing her behavior.
I have told the children only as much as they need to know in the event that something like another self harm incident occurs.
I have kept them from knowledge of the worst of my wife’s behaviors, as I don’t think it would have any productive benefit at this point.
My daughter is in college and my son will join her in about a year.
I am committed to being as good a father, and a partner as I possibly can be under the circumstances, and to providing a stable place for them to come visit or to live if they need it for the rest of my life. I do not plan to disparage my wife in front of them or to them in anyway.
If any of you have dealt with a parent or partner with mental health issues, I would welcome any feedback as to whether I am doing the right thing. Thanks very much in advance.
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This is an emergency and she needs to go inpatient now before things get worse. It sounds like she’s deep in psychosis. Reach out immediately to whoever can help – her therapist, her doctor, anyone.
Bro if she is something like this. She need to be hospitalize. Because she might hurt Normal people.
Ouch. This is a difficult situation with many layers and also questions.
Did she stop taking medication that she is prescribed?
If she stopped medication from her mental health provider, that’s a huge problem because, as an adult and parent, she has a responsibility to take her medication.
On the other hand, if she wasn’t on medication or the prescription no longer worked, that’s a different situation.
She obviously needs help. Your children probably have known for a long time what’s going on in the house. The best option appears to be that she is hospitalized the next time there is an incident.
You have to protect your kids. The last thing you want is for one of the children to get hurt or find her if she hurts herself.
If there are good moments, use that moment to get her help voluntarily.
You maybe be able to seek to have her involuntarily committed. It is a legal process. You should speak to her psychiatrist and advise them of her current behaviors and ask whether they think an involuntary commitment would be appropriate.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. One thing though, you’re doing your kids a disservice by keeping this from them. They’re not children who can’t understand anymore, and they deserve to know the risk their mom is putting them in when you’re not there to protect them. They also have a right to know their mental health family history, because this is something that they will also face, if not directly by having issues themselves, indirectly by having a relationship with their mom. It’s good that they know that these issues can be controlled but they need to take responsibility and seek help as soon as possible if something like this happens to them. It’s also good that they know that unchecked mental health can and will affect those around you, and that it’s not their fault if those people can’t help the affected person. I’m sorry you’re all going through this, it’s hard af, but know that you’re doing the right thing by walking away when your wife is refusing medical care and is infringing on your marriage.
I’m gonna need you to stop posting on Reddit and either call 911 or emergency services.
She is a threat to your CHILDREN! It does not matter their age or where they were in the house.
Be an adult, protect your kids.
You must tell your children your wife’s general psychiatric history. Your daughter is genetically more at risk when having her own children of developing similar mental issues. She and any partner need to be especially vigilant about signs of PPD and psychotic breaks. Both your kids needs to avoid use of psychoactive THC (weed) due to its association with triggering psychosis in those at risk.
They need this history in order to protect themselves. Your wife is becoming increasingly delusional. If she attempts to harm herself or others again, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY call emergency services for a 5150 and 24 hour psych hold. She will be furious at her, but her life and maybe others’ may depend on it. Stop trying to protect her from her illness–it has become enabling. Get yourself therapy. Get your kids information and therapy. Tell your wife if she persists in refusing care, separation is the minimum consequence, and FOLLOW THROUGH. Please. For her, for you, and your kids’ safety.
I agree with other commenters: my edit would be to call the local state/public programs’s emergency hotline number. They can get you started with an outpatient/hybrid program that isn’t inpatient but is a considerable intervention. Group therapy, psychiatry, therapy, meds- and it’s all usually under insurance. Plus they rush it. So, it’s not a 5150, AND it’s still a serious intervention.
I suggest you look up the book “Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” by Shari Manning. See if anything in that book resonates with you. Even if you do not love her now, this book has a lot of insight and guidance for family members.
Of course, I cannot and would not diagnose your former wife. So I don’t know if she has BPD or something else. Just offering this in case you find it relevant.
In terms of general information about BPD… People who have BPD can have become paranoid and have some symptoms of psychosis when very stressed or agitated. So paranoia does not rule out BPD.
Psychiatrists are often reluctant to tell patients and family members when they believe a patient has BPD. This is due to stigma but in my opinion treating it as unnameable does not reduce stigma. I like the approach of dialectical behavior therapy – teaching new emotion and impulse regulation skills, looking squarely at the reality and the facts, setting limits, allowing natural consequences / not walking on eggshells.
I wouldn’t disparage your wife but I also wouldn’t hide too much reality from the kids. They are growing up and need to be in the loop to understand who their mother is and set their own limits. They could be in difficult situations with her in the future where having their own skills and awareness is important to them.
Usually people won’t be hospitalized unless there is imminent danger to self or others. It’s a very faulty system. And right now it doesn’t seem like she is interested in help.
You need to have her placed on a 72 hr hold and get an order for protection to prevent her from being in the same house as the children as she is a danger to herself or others and attempted to harm herself (or perhaps you?) while the kids were home. How traumatic would that have been for the kids if she had succeeded??
If your kids are 1 adult and 1 older teen, it’s time to sit them down and explain what’s happening. They could be in danger with their own mother and not be at all prepared. No one can be “ready” for harm to come from their own mom, but you can discuss ideas of what to do in advance if something bad were to happen- whether that’s trying to harm them or herself.
Also, if she’s having casual hookups with strangers, this could also pose a risk to their safety.
Please keep your kids safe first, before worrying about how they are thinking about their mom. Kids these days have a much better grasp on mental health issues and do better than a lot of adults at separating the person from their illness.
You need to warn the kids, because if they don’t know how bad it is they might not react well if your wife turns on them.