My bf(40M) a single dad, and I (32F) had been in an on/off relationship for 8 months before we broke up for 4 months and now recently got back together.
When we first got together he hadn’t fully let go of his ex, which was the constant issue in our relationship. I was somewhat aware of it but had no idea the ex came back and he had started talking to her again which was ultimately what ended our relationship after 8 months. It was a messy breakup as I had found out he was talking to her and assumed he was cheating bc he refused to show the messages and I didn’t care to find out bc the trust was already missing in that rs.
He had started therapy early this year in January. We broke up in March, until he called me one day to apologise in July.
Honestly I wasn’t prepared for it – I usually have a much easier time letting relationships go, but i spent the entire 4 months apart thinking about him. I thought I made peace with letting go, but he came back and so did all my feelings for him. I felt like I already made a mistake by not setting firm boundaries – I craved his touch after so long, and I made him promise a couple of things he is having a hard time fulfilling. I did end up spiraling when he left me alone for another couple of days without communication. I told him that if he failed to meet what little expectation I had (to communicate once a day) I was going to have to do what’s best for myself even if it’s not what I want to do.
He took it well- no tantrums as he used to in the past. He recently opened up the truth about his past, apparently he was cheated on by multiple women and felt used for all the financial he provided. Suddenly, our relationship felt much more deeper than ever. The good thing is, I feel like he is much more vulnerable with me now, even if a little guarded still, and I feel just a little safer to be vulnerable in return. However I am aware this is still the bare minimum. And he acknowledged that it wasn’t fair how I showed up completely for him and how he failed to do so.
It seems he did show up for his past partners, provided them stability and financial support but he is incredibly guarded and have never done so with me. I have had the opposite experience of self abandoning for love, and never getting anything in return and thought if I would love again that I needed actions to prove it, not just words. It’s in the little things, the flowers as a gesture of apology, the daily communication to prove he thinks of me. Which he is capable of… but not consistently. I still ask him to show up and communicate these needs as I am afraid of him failing the “silent test” that my subconscious self is putting him through.
I am just a little torn now to believe him. I know he is not in a good place and yet I can see him trying, and I believe he does want to show up better. I’m just doubtful and afraid to trust him fully especially since the beginning was so messy and full of lying by ommission.
So my question is, how can we rebuild trust again, how do i navigate this and is it worth it for me to stay in this relationship? Or am I still just being led on by the false sense of emotional intimacy?
Tldr; 32F got back together with an ex, 40M without establishing any proper boundaries, but he is in therapy and displaying more vulnerability, and is struggling but working on showing up consistently but I am unsure how to trust him to stay.