Hello all,
my ex and I were together for 6 years and the first 5 years were perfect (her words), but in the sixth year I was in a bad place mentally and said some very hurtful things to her and thus deeply hurt her. I regret it, apologized for it and changed for the better after intensive self work in order to make sure that something like this will never happen again.
Even though I showed how much I regretted hurting her she decided to end the relationship. I fought for it very hard, but it didnt change anything, she still left me. During our “last conversation” I told her that I cant fight anymore and that I need to left her apartment thinking that I will never see her again, but I also told her that she can contact me anytime she wants if she changes her mind and that I will always be there for her.
To my surprise, she contacted me after only 3 weeks and told me that she wants to try it again. I was very happy and we started seeing each other 1 month ago. Every day we see each other is amazing, funny and just like the old times. The only bad thing is that she is still very hurt and regularly starts to cry when thinking about the times I hurt her verbally. After 1 month we have not kissed once or hold hands, there were just hugs and she said that she needs time to heal. And I am very understanding and supporting her and dont put her under pressure at all. All I ever say is that she can take the time she wants and that I will help her to heal. Yesterday she told me that she does not know weather she will be able to forget the bad times and I start to feel like that I am fighting for something that is long gone.
What should I do? I feel like she is the one and besides the moments were she remembers the bad times its always amazing, so I really dont know what to do. I love her to death. Thanks for the answers.
TLDR: Ex broke up with me after I hurt her, I gave her the space she wanted but then she contacted me again to try it again. Weve been seeing each other for 1 month now but have not kissed or hold hands and I feel like that I am fighting for something that is not going to happen.
Comments
You got back together way too soon.
A break (which is what this essentially is, even if it was intended as a breakup) that only lasts a few short weeks doesn’t give anyone involved enough time to heal, enough time to grow as a person, enough time to change…and so by getting back together, you’re the same two people with exactly the same two sets of issues that will lead to exactly the same sets of problems that led to the need for the breakup in the first place.
But because you missed each other, and because none of the problems manifested while you were apart, so each of you were free only to think about the good stuff, getting back together seemed like a great idea, and you went into a new micro-honeymoon phase, where:
> Every day we see each other is amazing, funny and just like the old times
…and so you are able to fool yourselves into thinking that things are actually better.
But:
> she is still very hurt and regularly starts to cry when thinking about the times I hurt her
…things aren’t actually better, she hasn’t healed, she hasn’t forgiven you, you haven’t changed from the person you were, and so this new honeymoon phase is going to wear off (it’s already starting), and you’re going to end up right back where you started.
She shouldn’t have come back, and you shouldn’t have accepted it when she did.
The two of you need to be apart, learning and growing and healing as people, for at least a year, ideally longer, before there’s any hope of getting back together actually working.