Need kind words after a break up

I just need to vent. I started seeing someone in December who I got close to very quickly. We had a lot in common and just instantly gravitated towards each other. We were able to have deep talks about things, about family, life, etc. I met his parents and then right before he broke up with me met his friends.

For context I have a history of depression. I’ve been medicated on and off since I was 15 and I’m now 25. I had my worst episode from 2023-2024, moved back in with my mom and actually committed hardcore to getting better, and resolving traumas that were bringing me down. I regularly see a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I have a not so great home life. Because of my previous depressive episode I had to move back in with my primary abuser who still makes me feel awful regularly. My ex has been depressed but doesn’t have insurance or a job with benefits so he was not able to feasibly get help and just goes through the highs and lows.

He broke up with me a week after I met his friend group. A few days earlier he described feeling anhedonia and just having a hard time mentally. He was just very different. I apologized and offered to help him find a therapist and such, and he said he would be looking into it. I asked him if I should be preparing myself emotionally for a breakup, because and clarified that I was prepared to stand by him as I know what it’s like to experience mental illness in that way, but I wanted to gauge where he was at. He kind of shut down, and then 2 days later broke up with me because he said he was so dissociated and felt like he couldn’t give me what I want.

I felt very blindsided. I have abandonment issues which again I’m working through in therapy, but this triggered me really bad. I texted him a few times in the coming weeks with little response and haven’t again but I’m struggling to have understanding I guess. I know logically in my mind and have discussed at length with my therapist that some people just don’t have the capacity for a relationship at any given point, especially people with untreated mental health issues. I know this to be true. I know that right person wrong time is possible. But, then I spiral and I keep remembering all the times I was ghosted, or that I felt forgettable. We were close and he never made me feel bad in any way like that it’s like my body, and brain only remembers all the times that these feelings were attached to people who didn’t make me feel appreciated, or like I mattered, or who treated me like a glorified fleshlight, but were too embarrassed to date me because I was fat, and dwelling on these times has made me feel lost and I feel myself slipping back into depression. The whole world feels like…dark. My memories from my last depressive episode all feel so hazy and shadowy and I feel like things just feel that way again. I spend more time in bed, and when I lay there my mind wanders and I just cry and sleep and cry and sleep. I’m exhausted like I was before. It’s like…things were already piling up and stressing me out and then the breakup came up and it’s just all become too much, and I don’t have a supportive mom to go to to get any kind of comfort, and she usually is the one making me feel bad because I’m not doing enough. She makes these little digs that I normally could just shrug off but now everything is getting under my skin, and I don’t know how to shake it, or how to cope with everything mounting up. The sadness feels so inescapable.

I just kind of needed to vent, and would love to hear some advice if anyone has any…I feel like everyone is tired of me and don’t want to weigh down my friends anymore with this. Thanks for reading 💖