Needy MIL

My MIL’s Neediness Is Draining My Marriage.
Anyone else have a mother-in-law who just won’t let go, no matter how many miles are between you?

My husband and I are finally getting space (husband joined the military) after years of his parents literally following us across multiple states as we decide to move. They always framed it like “just wanting to be close,” but the truth is it was because his mother can’t let him go. We’ve been married for 12 years. Every time we tried to start fresh, they found a way to insert themselves again — new job, new house, even during stressful life transitions. We never really had breathing room.

I’m at a point now where just going to their house or knowing they live close by gives me anxiety and stress. My husband makes it clear to me that he picks me first and he always has my back. That’s why we are strong together. But my MIL is a very needy person.

Now that we’re no longer living near them, I’m beyond relieved — but also very aware that she’s not done trying to stay deeply tangled in our lives.
She constantly uses guilt and emotional pressure on my husband, and it’s hard to watch. Her messages are subtle on the surface — “we’re giving you two your space!” — but quickly followed by stuff like “we’re planning a visit soon,” or talking constantly about moving in with us someday because they’re “getting older” and want us to “take care of them.” That would be a disaster.

Back to the point. When my husband gets very limited time to call me once a week (if at all) during this time in the military, she floods his phone with photo dumps and life updates, clearly fishing for attention or trying to guilt him for not calling her instead. Then she’ll message me asking “Did he call? How is he?” — which really means: Why didn’t he spend that time on me? She’s competing for his attention and limited time.

She’s incredibly emotionally dependent, and has trained my husband to feel responsible for her happiness. It’s draining to watch. Even when he tells her no or sets a boundary, she follows it up with guilt and tears to try to keep the cycle going. My husband still says no even through her tears, but then his big heart wants to say yes to something else in the future if she asks. And she knows this. She uses it. She leans on him like a husband, not a son.

She also claims to “love me like a daughter” but treats me like I’m in the way. Her focus is my husband and child. She constantly goes around me and deals directly with my husband — making requests, asking for favors…. I’ve asked her directly to loop me in and respect my role as the mom and wife — she says yes and says oh but she does respect me, then goes right back to the same behavior. She knows exactly what she’s doing. My husband doesn’t give her a yes to anything without talking to me first but she guilt trips him and tries to get a yes first. I’ve asked her to stop that but she continues.

One of the recent examples: before my husband joined the military, I was out of town for my sister’s wedding. She took that opportunity to pull him in to a sit down “family” talk and try to guilt him out of joining the military — talking about everything they’ve done for him and how it would “destroy the family.” It turned into a huge fight between them. I was upset and texted her about it while I was still out of town, but she completely ignored my texts and acted normal when I got back. That was a major turning point for me. Like I’m done being polite now. It showed me that she’ll go behind my back to control major decisions that aren’t hers to make.

I don’t even want a close relationship with her anymore. I want peace — for me, my husband, and our child. I hate watching him be pulled in two directions, he doesn’t need that constant stress, always feeling like he has to manage his mother’s emotions while also trying to live his life and be present with us. It’s not fair.

What do I do to help my husband and our marriage🙏? I just want her to leave us alone.