I’ve always been considered attractive, but, I’ve not been pursued much. When I have been, it’s by men I don’t find physically attractive, who seem to want a couple where the guy was chosen for his personality and the woman is more attractive physically speaking. I’ve also been pursued by narcissistic types.
Neither of these work for me. In most of my relationships, in the past, I’ve pursued, particularly when in the relationships themselves. Tbh, I wasn’t physically attracted to most of these partners but I worked hard relationally, trying to communicate, build connection, and hopefully passion.
Now though, I see that this has burned me out. I enabled disrespect and abuse, neglect etc, made excuses, tried to do the man’s role for him. Or tried to look past the fact I was not passionately attracted to partners I gave chances to (who also didn’t put enough effort in, but even if they had, I can’t help but think I would’ve struggled to be attracted to them, but I’ll never know for sure).
Now that I refuse to do this ever again, I just can’t imagine a man I find attractive actually trying to build a relationship with me. Yeah I blinded myself from the possibility for years by trying too hard in situations that were clearly the wrong place, wrong time to be expending myself in, but now, I just feel apathy.
Men barely put effort into texting, they message forever, never ask me out, as if they want a sign that I’m invested before they risk the rejection – but I will never provide that again at my own risk, before a man shows reliable interest for all the reasons I listed above. It’s usually just them trying to get attention, access, exploit me and my body, my labour, my investment etc.
I’m 36 and a half. What comes next?
Comments
Pursue yourself.
I just ignore them and they won’t leave me alone; I literally had to get a restraining order against one.
They just want what they can’t have.
Just focus on your life and forget them and ignore them and you’ll have tons vying for your attention
A better balance where you are both moving towards each other and reciprocating interest? Which is to say…make sure you haven’t swung the pendulum too far.
I guess I’m confused by your post. Did you only pursue people you weren’t attracted to? Did you ever pursue people you were attracted to?
And what is “the man’s role”?
Edit: the way your post is worded.. the men you like don’t ask you out… have you asked out men you like?
I’m not asking to be accusatory, it’s just not clear from your post, or I’m maybe doing a bad job of reading between the lines or something.
Sorry for editing again: it seems like you’re maybe really into traditional gender roles and you want to be passive and wait around for things to happen, but it also sounds like the guys who do that haven’t been a match. Does that tell you anything?
I think you’re obviously free to want a certain type of guy, but for me personally I just go for it if I’m into the guy. And I’m not even traditionally attractive!
Gender roles aside, there seems to be a… “how dare guys wait around for me to express interest” but you’re also very stern about how you’re now only going to wait around for a guy’s interest?
Gender norms have come a long way, and it might be worth being more flexible and active?
Take time off from dating if you find yourself feeling these negative emotions about it, but I think in this day and age, it’s quite limiting to simply sit and wait for a guy to pursue. If you meet someone who seems to have what you’re looking for, go for it girl.
I’ve been with my guy for like 13 years, he’s very much traditionally “the man’s role” kind of guy (I know everyone’s definition of that may differ which is why I asked clarification above)— but I initiated it! And I’m not even traditionally attractive! Now we’re married and all that jazz. Don’t let life pass you by, go for what you want. Don’t wait for it to come to you.
De-center men and take a break from dating. Invest in relationships that don’t just focus on romance. Good quality women friendships and friendships in general can be very fulfilling.
You can date again when you feel ready and have a fresh perspective. Maybe it’ll give you a new outlook on what your actual “type” is.
Why did you pursue people who you weren’t physically attracted to? I have actually decided that going forward I am going to be as shallow as all the men who pursue me. Physical attraction is important to me and I don’t want to settle before even trying my hand
Honestly, the more you pour love into yourself, the better off you will be. Date yourself! Do all the nice things for yourself so you have high expectations for future potential partners. Don’t settle for less. Being used to peace and nice things means you’ll be less likely to accept bad behavior from dusties. Wishing you the best!!! May the universe bring you the man who does it all for you ✨️
[deleted]
You are so much like me that it’s almost scary. This last time around, I did things differently. I was wildly attracted to him. Things were good in the beginning. We both made effort. Then, he stopped trying and stopped caring, so I got burned again. I’m done. Completely done.
They want submissive obedient sex dolls. If you’re not a submissive obedient sex doll you’re shit out of luck.
My personal experience is that when you make yourself the center of your life and grow and feel happier, like genuinely enjoying your life, you ( eventually) attract a better quality of partner and friends.
Refusing to settle or give too much means you’ll go much longer periods without any prospects or dates, but that’s actually a good thing because if and when you do meet someone worthy and there’s mutual interest, you’ll have the mental space for them.
Who cares if it takes 10 years, live your life for you and enjoy it.
Are you me?
What helped me is that I came to the conclusion that although dating is (slowly) becoming more progressive, it’s easier to date as a woman you accept that there is a natural order to things.
The truth of the matter is many men have been conditioned to feel like that love is something they have to earn and being loved/liked by someone for who they are is a foreign concept to them. Meaning that if you simply love a man for who he is a they will often become suspicious of you and continuously make you prove it (thus having you chase them) OR even view you as a flawed individual who’s not girlfriend material because “no good woman in their right mind could possibly love them for who they are vs for how hard they worked to impress you” yes there are some men who have evolved past this line of thinking but old habits die hard and it’s gonna take a few generations to undo. So just lay back – let them lead emotionally, don’t play hard to get or be mean. Just let them initiate vulnerability and you respond to vulnerability. Doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t be vulnerable- just let them do it first.
Also – If you’re not getting much attention in real life (neither did I) you’re gonna have to get on the apps. I got TONS of matches on the apps but there’s still gonna be a lot of men who waste your time and never gonna actually ask you on a real date.
Ignore anyone that doesn’t ask you out on a physical date after a week or two of talking on the app. And YES let THEM ask you.
Like a couple of other commenters, I don’t understand why you don’t ask out men you’re attracted to, both physically and emotionally. It doesn’t matter what men are or aren’t doing. You are in the driver’s seat. If you’re finding a pattern where your choices all suck, then there could be something wrong with your picker. And I think that something is that you exclusively, with one exception, date men you’re not attracted to. I can’t imagine none of them could tell and probably didn’t wish to commit with someone who was settling for them.
Basically, you date men you’re not attracted to and then do more than your share of the emotional labor. You could just…not? Ask out the men you’re attracted to. If they start being lazy, drop them and move on. That’s modern dating, where men and women can both pursue. Dating isn’t just about getting to the finish line. It’s also simply exploration. I’ve pursued and been pursued. I have never once gone out with someone I wasn’t at least physically attracted to, so this is a foreign mindset for me.
I don’t think waiting exclusively for men to ask you out is going to get you the results you want. I think a mix of asking out and being asked out, and you choosing the ones you like and are attracted to is the key. And the willingness to move on if they don’t meet your needs instead of waiting so long that burnout happens.
Get a cat and become a feminist activist
Could’ve wrote this. Had to cut off a guy with inconsistent texting and low interest…I’m not longer available for low effort BS. I’ve had straight women give me more effort than a man who claims he’s “lonely” and “wants a relationship”…..I realize now these modern men want a relationship like a kid wants a puppy. And they want a wife/kids but NONE of the responsibility.
Today’s men want to be rescued like princesses I swear….
I’m you! Obviously I’m no Victoria’s Secret model, but I’m pretty attractive, fit, dress well and put a lot of effort into keeping myself presentable. I know how to do my makeup and dress up in a way that highlights my best features. I’m not uptight or cold either, I’m confident and fun. I know it sounds like I was full of myself or tooting my own horn, but what I’m trying to say is that I’ve put a lot of effort into myself to truly be a great version of myself. I’m a liked colleague and friend so it’s fair to say I’m not too unbearable either.
I’ve always had to pursue men. Had I laid passively waiting, I’d probably still be a virgin. I feel like I need to do a ton of heavy lifting to get to the point of dating anyone, like actually hit on these men, put myself in their vicinity and flirt HARD. Which I’m fine doing, but I also seem to tolerate abuse and attract narcs. I’m exhausted when it comes to pursuing men, but I know that if I don’t do so, I’ll be living in a complete romance rut and celibacy.
I mean, I do feel like your investment in people you weren’t actually attracted to was a self-defeating endeavor. However, I think verbal and nonverbal communication are important – like why would anyone ask you out if you yourself show no sign of interest or reception? That would be self-defeating for them.
highly recommend dating women ♡
I have a rule in dating to keep texting for only arranging plans – I don’t try and get to know people over text because I can’t detect tone or humor etc.
This has always weeded out the unintentional men. Eventually the texting naturally increases from my end but by then I’m usually pretty confident in the direction
F
Maybe you are not as attractive as you think?