Hey everyone, I’m just looking for a bit of advice.
I’ve had a couple of bad relationships in the past (which I’ve worked through), and I’ve finally felt ready to put myself out there again. I’ve been talking to someone new for the past couple of months, and things have been going well so far.
Early on, I shared a bit about my last relationship—my ex cheated on me—and he opened up about some of his past relationships too. But I didn’t go into detail about a more serious relationship I was in, because at the time, it didn’t feel appropriate.
For some context: during a period when I was struggling with alcoholism, I reconnected with someone from my past and spent a lot of time with him. Over time, he became violent. He physically abused me, and at one point dislocated my jaw and deviated my septum. Like many in that situation, I made excuses for him and kept it hidden. I never reported it, and when the relationship ended, I felt that cutting him out of my life was enough. I’ve since moved on and done a lot of healing. That said, I still deal with lingering trauma—like nightmares, flinching, or shutting down emotionally when I’m with people.
About a week ago, I was with the guy I’m seeing, and a TikTok came up about domestic violence. I shut down emotionally for the rest of the night, and he noticed. He asked what was wrong, but I just said “nothing,” and we eventually went to sleep.
Now I’m wondering if I should tell him what happened. I know I don’t owe him that part of my story, but I also feel like opening up could strengthen our bond and help him understand me better. I just don’t know when or how to bring it up.
If anyone has any advice or personal experience with this, I’d really appreciate it.
Comments
When you feel like you are ready to open up to him do it because he don’t know what battles you fought before him, and if you want a good and healthy relationship I would tell him. But you don’t need to. If you’re not sure then wait a little bit
But you will be if you keep shutting down without explaining why. Your trauma isn’t your fault, but letting someone care about you without giving them the full picture sets both of you up for confusion and pain.
You weren’t ready to open up to him, and that’s okay. Eventually he’ll make you feel safe to open up and you’ll know when it’s time. He doesn’t need to know everything right away and you’re not wrong for holding back. You’re protecting yourself and your intuition said “not yet.”
When moving forward in new relationships with your trauma in mind, take your time. These old wounds are gonna open up, but remember everyone is different and he may be the one to help treat those wounds and help you gain trust in your life again. If he loves you or even cares for you, he’ll respect you had to take your time opening up because these are really hard things to recall and open up about. Trauma can be a teacher, if he displays signs the others did, you know. If he doesn’t, this could be different and a more pleasant outcome.
I’m so sorry you went through what you did. I am wishing you the best and I really hope your new relationship helps heal those wounds and makes you feel safe and loved in this chaotic world
you don’t owe him “that part of your story,” but you do owe him a partner who doesn’t shut down with no explanation and…maybe a partner who does things like not look at tiktok while she’s out with people, given the prevalence of triggering stuff on that platform. Try to remember that he has insides too.
“Hey fyi I was abused in a past relationship and when I see stuff about domestic violence or similar topics it can make me lock up emotionally. When and if this happens could you do xyz (give me space, give me a hug, give me a churro).”
Done. Dragging things any further just sounds like people wanting pity.
If I was you, I’d tell him but only when I’m ready. I resonate with you so much because I myself am going through the same exact things that you spoke about.
Take your time but don’t hide it. If he’s your person, he’ll understand that.
How did the TikTok come up about domestic violence? Was it in your feed? His feed? Did he talk about it?
These details are vague. How long ago was the violent relationship? How did you work through the trauma?
If you did not work through your trauma with a qualified trauma-informed counselor, then you are in danger of being in an abusive relationship again.
Please take care of yourself. Sending prayers, love, and hugs.
I would tell him from the start. You don’t have to go into all the details just say “hey sometimes I get triggered by DV stuff we see because something similar happened to me. At this point I am not comfortable talking to you or anyone about this but in the near future I will be willing to tell you everything. I just need you to understand where I am coming from and if you cannot we can’t continue in this relationship.”
And if you haven’t already see a therapist to help you with the trauma. You deserve to be happy in life and be able to move on and grow to be a better person.
Yes, tell him..
What happened wasnt your fault, but he needs to know that these topics are sensitive issues for you, so that he doesnt do or say something that inadvertently triggers you. Otherwise, it might lead to an incident that he doesnt understand, and is totally avoidable.
I wouldn’t tell him unless you know this man is serious about you and you’ve been together abit like you trust him and he treats you amazing,
I’ve heard too many times where girls open up too soon about past traumas and some men cling to it and think they can treat you however, not all men but there is a lot out there that will use it against you
I’ve been through the same abuse, I won’t tell anyone unless I trust them and they already treat me the best and I know he’s a safe space.
I think you and your body will just know when the time is right to open up, you’ll feel it x