Marriage is all about communication and compromise. When you have two kids and full time jobs, making a massive schedule change is a two person decision. Or at least it should be. One nurse on Reddit recently decided that a pay bump was worth completely upending her family dynamic. Now she is shocked that her husband is demanding she pull her weight in other areas. The internet has officially entered the chat to give her a reality check.
The Original Poster is a thirty seven year old mom who has been married to her thirty eight year old husband for nine years. They have two kids, ages eight and six. The husband works a hybrid schedule, meaning he is home two to three days a week. The OP is a nurse at a severely understaffed hospital. Due to the shortages, management offered her a temporary switch to the overnight shift with a nice pay increase.
Naturally, the OP discussed this massive lifestyle shift with her husband. He was very much against it. He knew exactly how much it would disrupt their day to day lives and their childcare routine. Initially, the OP declined the offer. But when the hospital countered with an even higher pay bump, she accepted it anyway. She prioritized the paycheck over her partner and took a job that would change everything.
It has been five months since the OP changed her hours, and her husband absolutely hates it. Her new schedule is brutal. She works from ten at night until eight in the morning Monday through Thursday, plus midnight to nine on Sunday mornings. She gets home just in time to see the kids off to school, runs a few errands, and then sleeps all day until the kids go to bed. She heads straight back to work after that.
The OP thinks she has gotten pretty efficient at this new routine. Her husband strongly disagrees. By her own admission, he has had to pick up a massive amount of kid related responsibilities that they used to share. He is doing pretty much all the rides. He takes care of any weekday activities. Now that summer is here, he handles every single drop off and pick up for their summer daycare program. He is essentially functioning as a single parent during the week.
The husband has been vocal about his frustration since the school year ended. He keeps asking when she is going to switch her hours back to normal. The OP told him the original plan was for six to eight months, so the end could be near. But then she dropped a massive bomb. She admitted she does not actually know if she wants to switch back at all.
She is enjoying making and saving a lot more money. She feels like she has adapted to the sleep schedule and actually has more energy to get stuff done when she gets home. But she is completely ignoring the fact that her extra energy comes at the direct expense of her husband’s sanity. He is carrying the entire mental and physical load of raising their two children Monday through Friday.
Eventually, the husband practically begged the OP to ask her supervisor about switching back. When she finally confessed that she might want to stay on nights permanently, he flipped out. He told her this was not what he signed up for when they got married. He felt lied to because she accepted the offer without his approval and is now going back on her word that the situation was temporary.
The husband laid down an ultimatum. He said if she is going to keep the night shift and leave him with all the childcare, she needs to do more things around the house since she has the place to herself all day. He actually wrote out a chore list for her. He put pretty much all the yard work on the list, which is usually his domain.
The OP complained that she does not know how to do yard work. Her husband delivered an absolutely savage and perfect response. He told her that if he can learn how to fold a fitted sheet, she can learn how to mow the lawn. He pointed out that since he took on all the kid stuff, she needs to do more of everything else. It is a completely fair division of labor.
The OP told him that doing manual labor after working all night is not going to work for her. His response was simple: change your hours back then. She came to Reddit looking for validation, but she got a harsh dose of reality instead. You cannot unilaterally change your family schedule, dump all the parenting duties on your spouse, and then complain when you are asked to pull your weight in other ways.
The OP is definitely the ahole in this situation. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship where one person gets to opt out of parenting just because they like their new sleep schedule. If she wants to keep her night shift, she needs to fire up that lawnmower and watch a YouTube tutorial on edging. What would you do if your partner changed their work schedule without your approval? Let us know in the comments if you think the husband was right to hand over the chore list!