No more BS MIL!!!!

Two weeks ago (at two weeks postpartum) I finally confronted my MIL about her narcissistic behaviour and she still refuses to leave her world of manipulation, delusion and lies.

I have to take this story back to the beginning. I (24f) am happily married to my wonderful husband (23m), who I have been with since our late teenage years. Myself and his parents got along famously, even for some years being closer than they were with my husband and his brother, and I would genuinely call my relationships with them friendships outside of our in-law dynamic.

When husband and I first ever got together, he mentioned having issues with independence in his house hold, with examples being him being placed in excessive extra curricular activities he had no interest in from a very young age, not being given keys to the home until becoming an adult (forcing him to work his entire life around his parents movements), not having an open line of communication with his parents where they made authoritarian decisions about their household and family and him with no explanation or consideration and not being able to decide how his day went as an adult or things like what foods he was going to eat. I was raised to be the complete opposite and was living by myself from the age of 17. I encouraged him to start taking on responsibilities in his home and daily life to prove himself worthy of independence, starting from doing small things like cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry and moving out of the room he shared with his brother into his own room that I eventually helped him decorate with his own personal style to make it feel more like HIS (which he absolutely loveddd). I knew it was a red flag when his mother was pissed that he started to do his own laundry and came up with excuses to stop him or sabotage him, even going as far as to stop talking to him for several days (he was literally 18 lmao) JUST for doing his own laundry, as though it was some sort of personal attack! But I bit my tongue and wanted to see how it played out.

Years flew by and in 2022, my husband (then bf) and I decided to move in together to the flat I was living in, where I rented a room off of his dad as his dad owned the property. We had a discussion with his parents and explained that we would want to rent the whole flat in the hopes we would get married after that and start our family and it was perfect because it was just a 4 minute walk from their family home so we could all stay close to each other. We also agreed that we would spend our own money remaining the flat and fully fitting a new bathroom as it was in need of a face lift and ultimately it added value to the property that his father would benefit from. We even added that we would more than likely buy the flat off of his father later down the line so it would benefit us too. (Side note, my father would never ever make me buy a property from him and would just gift it to me just to put me and my family at the best place in life possible but I guess our families are different). Anyway, we had an agreement with his parents and they were cool with it!

So, we start the works in the flat and actually strip the bathroom ourselves, did some of the plumbing ourselves and then got a contractor to fit the new bathroom. Issues (genuine not fabricated by the contractor) were found along the way such as insufficient pipe work, outdated insulation etc and the works for the bathroom (as well as the materials for the refurb and painting of the flat which we did ourselves too) came to just shy of £14k. This was fine with us as this was meant to be our first family home and we used our savings as planned. Keep in mind we are 21 years old at this time so 14k might not be a lot to some but to us it was our life savings haha (silly us looking back but we have learned).

Anyway, I must back track here to get to the crux of this story. During the construction of the bathroom, my FIL had to go abroad for a family matter and asked us to stay in his house to look after my MIL as she does not do well on her own (understandable as their house was robbed in the past). We agreed to stay as our relationship with her was still great at this time, and the hot water in the flat was on and off intermittently due to the ongoing works so it was a win win. During our stay at their house, my I heard my MIL one night have an argument with my FIL over the phone and she was left in a mood. She then woke up the next morning (I could hear because my husbands room was right next to hers), at about 5am (normal for her, she’s an early bird), and she just sat in silence (not normal). My husband then came back from the gym by about 6:15 and jumped into the shower to get ready for work (like absolutely clockwork because he’s a machine and does this every single day so his mum knew this would happen). Whilst he was showering, she banged on the bathroom door and demanded to use the toilet, he then replied saying he would be just five minutes as he was just finishing up. She replied with “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “you’re so selfish and disrespectful” (normal for her when she’s in a bad mood tbh). She then stormed back to her room. My husband shrugged it off and then ran back to our room as he forgot his underwear and as he went to go back to the bathroom to finish off getting ready for work, his mum ran in front of him and locked the door, causing a scene and making him late for work on purpose (there is a fucking toilet downstairs and she could have gone before he came home AND whilst he was home – she was taking out her marital problems on him because if she’s miserable, everyone has to be just as miserable). Anyway, that day, hubby left for work and didn’t say bye to her (why would he). I stayed in his room that ENTIRE day because I did NOT want to be in the line of fire and I come from a childhood of physical abuse and get anxious around shouting. The next day came and she was still visibly pissed, and my husband left for work and didn’t say “good morning” to her before he left, I did the exact same because in my eyes, if someone is pissed, you give them space? When we got back to the house that day, she was still in a bad mood and was slamming cupboards, throwing my husbands clothes down the stairs and throwing his shoes down the hallway. One more day went by and the exact same thing happened. She texted me that day saying things like “I expected more loyalty from you, I opened my home to you and you have disrespected me. I have to ask you to leave my home as you are no longer welcome”. I was surprised and sent her a reply apologising for coming across that way and explained my anxiety and said that I respect her decision and would remove my belongings upon my return in a few days, even thanking her for the opportunity to stay in their home. That day, I was already set to stay at my dad’s house for a few days to get away from my MIL’s energy and to just spend time with my dad. She then said “you should have just explained this to me” and “please ignore what I said, can we just move forward and forget what I said”. I replied saying of course and that I have no issue at all.

So I’m staying at my dads house for the next two days as pre arranged, and my husband ends up joining me because he does not want to be in the house with his mum as she is still mad at him for not saying “good morning”. Out of the blue, my husband receives a text from his dad who is abroad saying that he has to apologise to his mother, show respect by saying “good morning” otherwise he has to move out of their family home. My husband is on his last straw by this point, both with his mum and with disappointment in his father’s inability to even ask for his side of the story. He has spent his whole life apologising to his mother for things he hasn’t done, even apologising for things his father has done, like breaking a vase when his dad has made him take the blame to avoid being bullied by his wife. So he decided to not apologise and tried to explain his perspective to his dad and said that he would move out their house out of respect for their rules (for lack of a better term when it’s really just blackmail from a flying monkey doing his mothers bidding).

So, we go back to their house after our stay at my dads, and remove my stuff and just enough clothes for my husband for the next couple of weeks until the flat was done and he could fully move his things out their house and into our new would be home. His dad lands back in the country the next day, and hubby receives a new text from his dad saying that unless he apologizes to his mum, he is NOT PERMITTED TO LIVE IN THE FLAT. We were absolutely shocked, mortified even! We knew regardless, we would be fine as we are quite the resilient pair, but shocked at how this escalated and how his dad could go back on his agreement to let us rent the flat, knowing we spent our savings on trying to build a life for ourselves. So days go by of my husband trying to have a conversation with his parents, both via text and in person. In person they didn’t look him in the eye and actually turned their backs towards him and refused to look at him unless he said “good morning” to his mother (he still said it to his dad but his dad was a flying monkey and was being used as a pawn so he didn’t turn around because MIL wasn’t greeted with a good morning). So we were left with a decision: 1) hubby to cave and say “good morning”, apologise and live the rest of his life under their thumb, never feeling like we would be safe living in a flat his dad owned knowing we could be kicked out on a whim. 2) say goodbye to the flat and the possibility of our family home and have our integrity and peace of mind renting from someone we didn’t know, through an agency.

We chose option 2, hoping that things would settle over time with his parents and that they could have a better relationship without the power dynamic over his head. A relationship based on mutual respect (how silly of us). So we moved out (aka were homeless for a month as we didn’t have enough money for a deposit for a new flat and first months rent, lived rough until the next pay check when we immediately moved into a new apartment that we could barely afford but it was one of the only ones available at the time). During this process, I sent his father an email confirming that he breached our agreement and provided a detailed breakdown of expenditure on the flat with receipts, and asked for either 1) a full reimbursement 2) a partial reimbursement or a payment plan that suited him or 3) an opportunity to discuss the matter and come to a solution that suited us both to prevent putting him under unnecessary financial strain. His dad replied saying he has no intentions of paying anything as “he didn’t ask us to spend any money”……

I replied explaining that we only spent money on the premise of our agreement to move in. It was a whole load of back and forth. My background is in the property industry btw and I had a legal card up my sleeve as my FIL breached several health and safety laws whilst renting out that flat, and I knew I could have easily taken him to court and won using a RRO (rent repayment order in the UK), which means I could receive EVERY PENNY OF RENT I PAID FOR THE DURATION I LIVED THERE AND SO COULD MY HOUSE MATES. This amount would have come to £32k which is over double the amount we spent on the flat. Hubby and I lamented over this but after weeks of thinking, we decided to let the money go and not pursue legal action, to charge the lesson to life experience and lay our heads down at night knowing we have been far better humans than his parents in this situation. To this day they don’t even know the favour we did them. Anyway, over the next couple of months, it was hard man. It was hubbys first time living outside of his childhood home, paying bills, splitting chores with a SO, and just generally feeling the weight of real life responsibility as an adult. He’s also now lost his perception of his great parents, and his brother who was his best friend, hasn’t spoken to him because of everything (he still lives in the family home). Mentally I was ok as I’ve been through things in the past growing up and I’ve lived alone for a long time so I had fortitude In that regard, but husband took it hard and we struggled in our relationship but it made us so much stronger and now fast forward to 2025 we are happily married and have a newborn and are so immensely happy, in love, grateful and appreciative of our strength and support for one another – truly best friends and our biggest allies in life!

Between us moving out in 2022 to today, it went from his parents messaging him in the early days saying that their house will always be their home and sending messages like “happy Sunday”, “how is your day” “I just had a surgery” “you need to move on, I don’t even remember what happened as I was on medication back then” etc etc, to husband blocking them because he became infuriated by the lack of apology for what they put him through and how they acted so carelessly and were trying to talk to him as though NOTHING happened. To his mum trying to send him money whilst being blocked, with no context. He sent the money back immediately and told his dad “I’m sending this back because I don’t know what it’s for”. Alluding to the fact that if it’s not an apology or an acknowledgment of wrong doing, he doesn’t want it because it’s just a pay off (it was £500.00 which I’m sorry it’s fucking laughable in the face of £14k). In late 2024, he started to rebuild a relationship with his dad with the idea that his mother was the sole issue so he could tolerate his dad. They slowly started to speak about what transpired and hubby explained that he was disappointed in his father as a man and lost some respect for him due to how poorly he managed the situation and reminded him that despite him being his wife’s husband, he’s also his father and owes it to his children to be impartial (we believe the mother has emotional blackmail against the father as they had issues in the past but I digress – have a backbone). Hubby asked his dad if he knew what happened the day of the bathroom incident and his dad said “your mum told me she was in the bathroom and that she left for a moment, you ran in and when she tried to get back in, you slammed the door in her face”. When I tell you our jaws fucking DROPPED to the ground when we heard his dad say this over the phone…

Hubby told his dad what actually happened and convinced his dad to question his mum about the story. Hubby followed up the next week and asked his dad how it went, his dad told him that after he questioned his mum, his mum didn’t speak to him for three whole days but that “you should still show your mum respect” “your mums your mum you know what she’s like” “the good outweighs the bad” Sigh, we came to the conclusion his dad was just a victim turned enabler telling himself the same stuff to help himself feel better. Anyway, hubby went to their family home a weeks later to hold a family meeting in the hopes they could move forward as a family on a better note. He asked them not to speak at first and to listen to him say the story from start to finish of what happened on the day of the incident all the way to the aftermath, including the fact that him, his dad, and his brother now knew that his mother lied and manipulated everyone to make herself seem like the victim, to get her husband to be her flying monkey. When my husband looked her in the eyes and asked her why she lied, she sat there in silence, huffing and puffing. The outcome of that meeting was nothing, they still didn’t apologise to my husband and his mother still didn’t take accountability for her actions. He left the meeting saying “I need you to think about what kind of relationship you want with me and my wife and my soon to be born son, and what you need to do to achieve that. But you need to change your behaviour to get what you want. Think about it and let me know”.

Now we get to early 2025 where I am about 6 months pregnant, and my husband calls his dad to follow up on what was decided on what relationship they want with him. His dad said that he of course wants things to go back to as they were and my husband reiterated they will never be the same but whether it’s worse or gets better is down to whether they can change their behaviour and take owenership. He reminded his dad that we wrote off the 14k and only asked for an apology for the hurt and damage they caused and the years they set him back. His dad very callously stated something I personally knew he felt deep down all these years. Something I think my husband knew his dad felt too but didn’t want to accept. His dad said “I’ve got nothing to feel sorry for.” Boom, my husbands eyes glaze over in what seemed like both disbelief and acceptance and almost relief and closure. His continued in the background of our gall, almost berating his son saying things like “I’d never be in your position because I plan financially”. Ugh, I have no words.

Fast forward to five weeks ago where I gave birth, which they knew because their other son still lives at their house and talks to us. The mother also follows me on instagram (which I actually didn’t know until like last week) and saw my stories of my newborn. Hubbys brother (and my overly good will parents) encouraged hubby and to let his parents know personally about our new arrival, after which his parents congratulated him and eventually asked to meet our son. His mum also DM’d me separately saying how much she loved us and was so happy and asked me not to block her. I replied with a tough love response, calling out her behaviour of manipulation, deceit, and lies, saying that I refuse to have a relationship with her or her husband until my husband receives a well overdue apology and said that I didn’t want to have to be firm but years of her family being scared of her and walking on eggshells didn’t get them anywhere.

I have to say, it felt fantastic. Last week she employed another flying monkey who messaged my husband congratulating him on his new baby, saying “how lucky he is to have such amazing parents to guide and support him” LMAO. It’s getting desperate, all they have to do is apologise omggggg

If you made it this far, all I have to say is, dont feel like you need to wait until you’re a mother or father to feel like you can speak up. Narcissistic parental abuse is real and I hope this makes you feel a little better through the craziness.

Big big hugs to fellow survivors of the dreaded MIL