Had a shitty childhood. Went through lots of ups and downs. Got to my 20s and thought I was over it all. Had processed it. Turns out I had just stuffed it all way down and was distracting myself.
Now I’m my 30s and suddenly it’s like a dam broke. I’m completely overwhelmed with everything I feel and don’t know how to cope. I’m drowning. I’ve been in therapy for years and it’s just not helping I guess. Have tried various medications. Am currently working with two psychiatrists. Still in therapy.
I had no idea this was all going to bubble up and swallow me up, and expose new realizations at the same time. Revelations about other ways I was let down as a child. Anger about it all. Sorrow at wondering who I could be right now if I didn’t have all this crap to sort through.
Why are the 30s the renaissance of buried trauma? Fuck
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May I ask what is it right now in your life that is bothering you most? Do you have any kind of support system? A career? Relationship? Hobbies? Is there anything at all that brings you a sense of joy? I’m very sorry you are feeling this way but life can present beautiful opportunities when you can learn to let go of the past.
Psychedelics!!! Not to party or drown out your sorrows. But when used with intention and a safe environment It can be very helpful.
U got this though, everyone is struggling as well so u are not alone in this. Not to minimize your struggle, just know u are strong enough to breakthrough to the other side!!
And pray if u believe in a higher power.
i don’t know if it’s specifically about being in your 30s, but it makes total sense that the constant denial would eventually catch up to anyone. i used to intellectualize my feelings a lot, and i thought that it was a sign of maturity that i was so self-aware, but it was actually the opposite.
i’m glad you’re in therapy. sure, it’s a good idea to critically ask if your therapist’s methods and demeanour match what you need. but how much can therapy help if you’re in denial yourself, yknow? i’m thankful i had a therapist who called me out on my intellectualization bullshit, but even she couldn’t see through everything until i accepted it myself.
i know just how overwhelming it can be when the floodgates open; it’s scary, it’s sometimes excruciating, it can make you feel like you’re going crazy. but sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. i don’t know if you want advice, so i won’t give any now, but i can assure you that it really can get better.
edit: oh yeah, also, your anger and sorrow are there for a reason. it makes complete sense why these new realizations would bring a wave of these emotions. they feel like shit, but it’s 100% understandable. truly wishing you the best <3
Oh yes. Everyone told me 30 hits hard, but 30 was fine. It was 31 that rocked me. All the stuff I thought I’d processed and healed in my 20s came roaring back but in new ways.
I think of it as like a spiral, you revisit the same themes/issues/traumas but you have more coping skills, are less reactive, and can go deeper each time they come around.
I mean, I’m hoping the intensive therapy I did in my early thirties sorted it, but we’ll see when I hit my 40s!
For what it’s worth, I realized part of why so much was still waiting for me was because the therapy I’d done in my twenties was fairly surface-level. It wasn’t until I found a therapist who used Internal Family Systems, somatics, and attachment theory AND was willing and able to call me on my shit (hard core intellectualizer over here, who can say the right things so it seems like I’m feeling the feelings) that I really made immense progress.
Consider exploring somatic healing practices. One thing about talk therapy is that it gives you the language to recognize trauma, but sometimes it also keeps you circling around it, anchored in the grief. Somatic work can help you actually move it through your body, not just understand it. You need space to grieve, to feel, and to release the shame that was never yours to carry. Keep going. Everything you’ve done to get here matters. It’s not wasted, it’s groundwork <3
At some point, things just DO bubble out. There are things I thought that I had gotten over. Then there I am, crying over it in therapy.
I’m in my 30s as well.
I feel like when you hit 30, you give yourself permission to deal with shit. To not give a shit about stupid shit.
It’s wild.
I wish you all the best, babes.
I feel this so hard. I just turned 31 and I feel more insecure and lost than I ever have in my life. I feel like I really knew who I was and what I wanted in my mid 20s and was on the right path finally. I was a mess my whole life because of all the trauma I endured in my childhood. And now it feels like all the work and self discovery has flown out the window and I’m starting at square one if not before square one because I now have a complex because I am so far behind and I know who I used to be and don’t know how to get back to that person. It sucks I feel your pain.
Sorry you’re going through this. The human mind is a strange thing.
Holy crap I literally could have written this 🫣
I’m 35 and yeap. Every day is a new package of boxed off trauma escaping all while my body has seemingly decided now is the time to turn into an infinite pain generator. (my blood work and organs are somehow pristine tho‽)
It’s partially related to astrology because Saturn takes about 30 years to move through the Zodiac so about 30 years after we are born, it returns to the same sign, degree etc and triggers a “rebirth” of sorts.
It’s not fun, I agree. But it opens the way to thinking differently and changing so the future can be better than our past.
I went through something similar at around 32. Maybe a little before. It forced me to really get my shit together.
I think our thirties are when we finally begin to decide what shape we want our lives (and our inner selves) to take.
I went through a major paradigm shift to move out from beneath the weight of depression and deep trauma. I finally stopped caring what other people thought and did what I wanted to do and became a wholly different person.
I got married when I was 37, had my first child at 40 and my second at 43. I’m so glad I waited!
I traveled, expanded my business, cut off toxic people and focused on what made feel good and alive. I did the hard things too – like finally facing my past and rising above it (I let know one else define me and I let go of self blame and shame for the abuse that has heaped upon me). I ate healthy, worked out, and began to really think about what I wanted for my life – the non-negotiables – and I finally had the confidence to walk away from people and situations that weren’t good for me or worth my time.
By the time I met my husband, I was rock solid. Trauma still lingered, as it always does, but I had the tools to work through it.
By the time I had my kids, I was an adult and ready to face the responsibility for another human being’s life (in my case, lives, plural).
Trauma came up again, but I am a better parent for it. I have so many tools in my tool box now that I whip them with ease most days. Some days are harder than others, but they can be healing too. In fact, those hard days when I feel vulnerable and alone are when the most growing happens.
I look at my children and I gain strength. I rise up to become a better and better person.
Your trauma may be in the past, but you will forever be growing from it – becoming more resilient, stronger.
Be kind to yourself. Find the person you want to be and become that person. Don’t ever sacrifice yourself for someone else and remember to always keep hope.
You’ve got this!
30 wasnt bad for me. 40 wasnt even particularly bad. But 50?? Oh gawd. Everything has went downhill from there. I honestly have not done the work or gotten the therapy that I have desperately needed all of my adult life to deal with childhood traumas, which include everything from dysfunctional relationships to sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. I CAN, however, say that the older I get, the stronger the trauma feels. Hope you find the right therapist/therapy soon!
The one about mourning who I could have been hurts the most. And it hit me in my 30’s. Never crossed my mind before but now I’m angry and sad for who I could have been.
It happens. I had to have it and then the marriage from hell and all the damage it caused hit me hard at once.
So processing both afterwards.
FML!!!!!
I
blame some of that chitty child hood trauma that lead to me a self destructive rotten marriage from hell. That and the rotten females (obviously not all females are rotten I just picked really bad ones and I wasn’t a prize myself at times) I dated before her who ended all being cheaters. It really took a deep toll on me.
Now I realize I was afraid of anything that could be stable and subconsciously started choosing the relationships that would Implode because I knew the outcome. That I ran from anything that was even remotely close to healthy and stable. It scared the chit out of me.
The upside now I understand why I did those things. I don’t choose unhealthy relationships anymore. I eventually met an amazing woman and mother to the amazing kids she gave me. All that hell had to happen to put me where I needed to be for the best part of my life.
I can look back and see where I started to get really warped, jaded and damaged from bad things that happened early on. My inability to trust etc and things I won’t discuss that happened as a child.
But I came out of it and I’m fine with the person I am today even if I don’t like the person I was.
It gets better. A lot better.