Since getting married, I’ve been surprised by how often I’m now asked the question:
“Are you having kids?”
I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I dislike being asked that. My partner and I are, as of now, not planning on having children. We both agree on this and we’re good with it. Still, when I try to express that, I receive a monologue about the joys of motherhood and how they’ve “never regretted it.”
That’s great! I’m glad that’s been their experience. But I don’t know how to make it clear that I’m not mourning some future that I don’t want. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I just don’t want kids. I also feel like I can’t say that plainly. Especially not, “I don’t like kids,” because that sounds cold or judgmental. And I swear, I’m not awful! Kids just aren’t my thing.
So maybe the best response is just a simple, “No.” But even that feels like it invites more questions or commentary.
Is it just me? Am I being too sensitive here?
Comments
relax. have some confidence in your position and appreciate others’ experience.
Nope, that’s a rude question to ask a couple. What if you can’t have kids? What if you’ve already had miscarriages?
My wife and I are in the same boat. We enjoy our lives and do whatever we want whenever we want without having to deal with kids. I usually just say that I like kids just fine but I would never want to be around one all the time. Honestly I find that most people with kids envy us at least a little.
The thing is… we don’t need validation or pity from dudes on the internet for choosing NOT to breed. Our bodies, our choice, period.
No you’re not. I get asked that often, esp by patients. What’s worse is that my brother in law just had a baby and his mom was asking my husband, don’t you want one of these? I just flat out refused to go visit them in the hospital. I’m sure his wife was very exhausted and I just didn’t want to waste my day off to go deal with that shit. Its annoying. We don’t want kids. Get over it
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with answering that you’re not planning to have kids.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with cutting people off very quickly when they start going into their monologue about how much they love their kids or any related things that you can tell is subtle shaming/judgement.
Immediately cut that off. They’ve moved beyond polite conversation into making an argument/case for their lifestyle and you don’t have to have an iota of patience for that.
As someone who was on the fence when I got married, it was incredibly frustrating how many people asked when we were going to have kids. As the years went on and we didn’t have any, the questions lessened. As we’ve hit our mid 30s, more and more people have supported that decision, even expressing jealousy at my ability to sleep in and travel. It gets easier!
It does get irritating when all of society and most people you talk to basically imply or explicitly say that you need to have kids or your life will be meaningless. This is a common experience for child free women, in fact it’s standard, lol.
If you want to reverse the awkwardness back on them, you can always ask them why they care whether or not you’re getting hot creampies on a regular basis
It’s a normal small talk question that is often asked of newlyweds. (outdated and invasive, but normalized) I don’t think most people even care, they just ask to be “polite” rather than actually caring or wanting you to procreate (unless its older woman relatives, then you’re screwed)
You are absolutely in the right to not want to have to answer this question, but I doubt it’s going anywhere.
I think a simple “no” is perfect, especially if you’re getting that question from strangers or people you’re not close to. You don’t owe anybody an answer or an explanation and certainly don’t need to hear a spiel about why you’re wrong or will change your mind.
I’m a mom myself and love parenthood but never ask people about their plans to have or not have kids because it’s NOT MY BUSINESS
I’m 37F and my partner is 36M. we’ve been together 15 years and have never considered kids. our go-to reply is to half-jokingly reply that we can barely take care of ourselves and our cats so how can we take care of anyone else? people usually let it go at that point.
if they don’t, we make them uncomfortable by listing all the genetic stupidity we don’t want to pass on 💀