I don’t think anybody sees it. My loved ones know to a degree, but they don’t see what’s in my head. Ever since I was 12, I struggled with PTSD, depression, and anxiety that I didn’t tell anyone about. I am constantly somewhat depressed and I have been since then, about 15 years ago. I’ve done therapy and take medication. It helps a lot. But there’s a continuous fatigue of being alive. I’m not suicidal but I’m just saying most days feel hard and always have. I have a voice in my head all day that calls me stupid and says I’m not wanted. I have to push myself to do everything and I’m perpetually behind on everything I have to do. I struggle to do simple tasks like paying bills and I don’t want people to know bc it’s embarrassing. I wasn’t treated for ADHD until my twenties, so all through my life before that, I thought I was just stupid when I was struggling with that and learning disabilities. Therapy has helped a lot but sometimes I look back and feel sad. The first time I ever understood what it felt like to be happy was when I was 22. It changed my life. It made me realize there’s something to attain and that if I felt it once, it would come back. That pulled me through all of my depressive episodes. I’ve struggled with such horrendous body dysmorphia and social anxiety that I couldn’t go outside or talk to people. I spent a lot of my life lonely in my room. I’m okay, I’m doing fine, but sometimes I remember how hard things are. It’s so exhausting to have to fight through every day. I just don’t understand why this happened to me. I have so much wonderful about my life but I wish I just was dealt different cards. And was allowed to spend more of my time so far happy. I know I’ll be unhappy for most of my life and struggling. That’s okay. It’s enough to be here and see the people I love and do little things.
Comments
Hey there,
I hope you’re doing fine.
I just read your post and honestly, i wish i had met you on a lighter note but sometimes life has a way of letting things happen and so here we are…
You’re okay. Take a deep breath.
What you’re feeling is exactly the same i feel, and we are miles away. So i think it’s an issue everyone struggles with but some, like us, tend to feel it more deeply….
Why me? Relatable thought. Most of us are struggling even if it doesnt look like it. Its not about the cards you get, it’s about how you decide to play them. ✌️
Its a sad note, but its uplofting to know you like seeing the people you love.
If I may, Why have you not shared this with someone close? There has been a lot of Catharsis(for me) in sharing the deep secrets with that one best friend or family. I know its hard and there is no judgement here, i know its scary to pour out your soul. Theres a lot of us that struggle in silence. And for people like me Silence was always the best option because of the Family Dynamics. Even my 15+ year long relationtip managed to shit my feelings out.
I know depression is not the same for anyone, and maybe mine is not as complex or heavy, and still therapy helped and theres so many things i cant just shake off.
If it helps I am here to talk, even if its for a little while.