I noticed recently that no guy I’ve ever dated gave anything I liked, any of my interests whether that be music taste, book taste, movie taste, the time of day.
I find that weird since I had made an effort to interact with the things they liked. I listened to their music with them, read some of the books they liked and recommended me. Watched some marvel movies in the theatre with one despite not really liking marvel movies. I even took up reading manga because one of my ex’s liked it and I actually quite enjoyed it.
I don’t think any of them have ever done the same for me though. I would recommend books as well, or I would play my music sometimes for them, but they’d never read the books I recommended and they’d never listen to the music I’d like with me a second time, and any of my interests were kind of just ignored if they didn’t also share them.
This might be a small nitpick for me to have, sure. But it feels very weird for me since this seems to be a pattern and I’m not sure it’s one I’m comfortable with.
I’d like to know if anyone relates to this, or if I’ve just been very unlucky with the guys I’ve been dating?
Comments
the time of day
You don’t really think this is normal, do you?
Omg 100% also this is also kind of related but have you ever gone into a relationship with interests in common and then over time the common interests stop being interests for him and he goes off to do his own thing?
It’s common but also not good.
From a psychological perspective, openness to new experiences is a behavioral trait in the Big 5. Some people are more open to trying/experiencing new things than others.
You may find that you prefer to date people who are more similar to you in being open to new experiences. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who will at least try the things that are important to you. A good partner should be invested in your enjoyment of your hobbies, even if they themselves aren’t interested in engaging in that particular hobby.
Unfortunately I have had the same experience. It’s actually quite pathetic that I can remember the ONE time an ex expressed an interest in one of my things. I don’t think it’s a small nitpick by any means, because it’s one of the most powerful ways that people can connect to one another
I found that it was some of the men I dated felt the need to actively put down my interests in order to feel better about themselves. They would tell me a new band I was listening to was silly one week and then be impressed when their guy friend introduced them to it the next.
This is a huge red flag in relationships, you need to get out quick if this is happening. It has the potential to turn into verbal and then physical abuse.
It’s common. It’s not because your picker is broken or because you are a people pleaser or your expectations are too high or too specific.
It’s just that there are way too many people out there who don’t reach out for their partners this way and they are mostly men. Women are usually socialized to adapt to other people’s tastes and make more of an effort to bridge the space between. This is a valuable skill in relationships but the distribution is skewed.
Just because it’s common doesn’t mean you are wrong in missing it. But it’s an expectation that you will have to manage, by either adapting to low effort or looking for that someone who does the same as you.
Unfortunately, for us women there’s more reasonable stuff we have to compromise on because we lack the social power that shapes culture to our advantage.
I was with my ex for over a decade, and despite us both being gamers, they never played a single one of my favorite games. It really sank in after the breakup.
I think it’s common, but not normal. My exes barely cared about my stuff, too, but my current boyfriend cares about everything and takes interest in my stuff even if he personally doesn’t do these things
I have a semi-related question:
Maybe this is just a me thing. But every man I’ve dated would say that he’d massage my back/feet/legs/scalp. Sounds great, right? They all would massage it for literally less than 30 seconds, get distracted by TV or whatever, stop, do another lil squeeze, stop for even longer, one more lil squeeze, and that’s it. I’d rub backs and feet and hair and beards and calf muscles for damn near an hour. I don’t think I have ever had a massage from a man last more than, quite literally, 30 seconds. I’m 40 and definitely had enough male partners to have a baseline. Anyone else experience this?
Yes, it is normal for men to be trash.
The bar is in hell and they still struggle with it.
Asking in a genuine way, what DO you have in common with the people you’re dating ?
I’m not sure if I could enter a relationship if the other person didn’t share a significant amount of my interests and morals. I don’t need them to be exactly like me, but what is going to draw me to them if we can’t enjoy some of the same things, you know ?
This is a sadly a very common experience for a lot of hetero women. You have to realize you’re trying to build a meaningful balanced life with someone who is literally conditioned to see you as an object, lesser than them and who is probably not yet even grappling with the fact that you have a legitimate inner world that your hobbies are informed by. You have to convince him you’re a human being first and sometimes you simply will not succeed. To some of them it’s like their fleshlight asking to be eaten out or their dog asking to be listened to when you suggest to be full seen.
Hard pill to swallow:
You are choosing this.
A couple things, some partners want separate hobbies and interests. That’s perfectly valid. You are not one of those people. You can choose notice these things and decide to move on because you are looking for overlap or interest in your hobbies, or you can just ignore that and keep being dissapointed and people pleasing.
Why do you think there’s the idea that “women dont have hobbies”. Women have hobbies, often times dudes just…dont care to listen or ask
Yep. I watched every tv show my ex wanted to binge, went to countless doom metal concerts just to be with him and experience it (loathed the actual music, bored me to tears), wrestling shows, etc. He wouldn’t go to a single indie folk concert with me, would never try the books I wanted to share with him. I started going out alone. He didn’t join until he found out my new friend (also a guy) was happy to come along just to spend time with me and experience something new.
It’s miserable. Having different tastes can be fun, and expose you to new things and experiences. I was happy to go to those first few doom metal shows just for the novelty of it, but I hated that it became one sided. I’ve had this happen with friends too – with concerts, hobbies, books and shows, even meeting each other’s friends, it all became one sided and they refused to reciprocate. If it doesn’t go both ways, it’s soul sucking.
You matter too. Choose to spend time with people who treat you like you matter.
Oh my god yes. This doesn’t happen with my romantic partners but all my male friends. When I give them something I like it’s always a non-reaction, or they think it’s boring without giving it a chance, or they can be outright rude and tell me it’s trash. And here I am, trying their fave games, asking them for music, etc. I would hesitate to call it a gender thing, but it definitely happens more frequently than I’d like to admit.
Of course it’s not normal. It’s cut and dry selfish behavior
Every man I’ve ever dated has shown interest in things I’m interested in, just because I’m interested in them, and they’re interested in me. Sometimes they find they really don’t like the thing, and they’ll STILL put up with doing it on special occasions cause it makes me happy.
Until now, I’m grappling with this man who is super into honesty and open communication and authenticity which is HUGE. But he views it as inauthentic for him to “fake interest”.
I don’t know how to explain to him what vicarious enjoyment is. If I stopped doing things he enjoyed that I’m just meh about, would we even be together?
Date your species.
No way is this normal, I think I’ve only ever had this once, most people I’ve either had things in common with anyway or we’ve discovered stuff together
My current partner and I were friends before we got together. While we do have different likes, we also know what the other person likes as well.
He barely watch any tv or movies but play a lot of games. I watch and read a lot but whenever there’s a game he think I’ll like, he recommends it. (Stardew Valley for example) so we play those games together and we also watch movies I enjoy together.
And we also do other things together that we enjoy and wanna share with the other. Things the other person never done before but the other really like.
Imo, if you can’t imagine being friend with the person then I don’t think a relationship would work out, as they would be like your ex’s.
Perhaps in the future when dating and getting to know people, communicate your desire for a partner to put in effort to exploring your interests with you. Make it known that you realize this is something you currently find important in relationships.
Yes. I’ve also had other men recommend the same things I like, and suddenly they become interested. Like my interests are only valid if/when another man concurs with my taste. Truly men just need to marry other men and buy a robot to fuck.
It’s not normal, but it is normalized.
I was with a girl into Blythe dolls, the ones with the big creepy heads and big creepy eyes, and she would be on their website, overflowing with excitement that she might get to drop $250 on one of these things. Go off queen! 👏 😬
I would congratulate her when she bought one, and console her when she missed out.
Waaay back in the day, I was super lucky to go study/live in Japan for a semester. My ex-gf found doll shops in Japan near me that had Blythe doll lotteries. You had to sign up for the lotteries in person, so while she was in the States I marched all over Osaka trying to find these places. That city is like that fucking movie Inception, it is a strange dream-like dense metropolis. I think I walked through one of those strange portals Stephen King has in most of his books…
I found a few of the lotteries, signed up… and we won one of them! I am not into these weird little dolls but I had such a cool adventure because that’s what happens when you open you heart to new things!
I am sorry that most dudes are stupid fucking morons when it comes to this.
If you go to the ocean, every tide pool you look in is going to be amazing. Just check it out, I promise it will be fun.
I had the exact same experience in my last relationship! He was actually a very nice guy but almost all the interests and hobbies we engaged in were his. I remember when we first started dating I loved that he read books a lot too, and he gave me one of his favorite books (Slaughterhouse 5) to borrow and read so naturally I gave him one of my own favorites too (When Breath Becomes Air). I read his favorite within a few days so we could talk about it, and mine just sat on his nightstand for a couple months until I eventually took it back to my apartment lmao.
It wasn’t something I explicitly asked him to do, but he never asked me to read his either. He just mentioned it was his favorite and I wanted to get to know him on a deeper level so naturally I wanted to read it too. That’s why I wanted to listen to his music, watch the videos he made, see his drawings, etc. I don’t think he realized what a pretty self-centered person he was. In the beginning of the relationship he was all excited talking about how he wanted to take me out and do nice things for me yet we literally never went out on nice dates unless I planned them, and every time he took us somewhere he would complain about prices which immediately ruined it for me
I don’t even know how I’d react if a man expressed genuine interest in my own favorites at this point lol
Makes me realize my ex had some good qualities. He went on hikes with me regardless of allergies, and watched some of the movies I liked. Though he did fall asleep during LOTR. I know it is rare for men to make that kind of effort. It’s really sad so many men don’t see women as people, or look down on “feminine” hobbies 🙄 What is the point of having a partner if you don’t share interests?!
I’ve had that experience but I eventually married a guy who shares some of my interests and fully supports my interests that he’s not into. He even picked up knitting!! he even knit an entire sweater before he went back to his favorite video games. It’s OK to have different interests, but you need to have someone that respects what you enjoy and at a minimum doesn’t insult it.
Is it lame that they didn’t give them a chance? Yes.
But there is no real need for couples to share the same interests and tastes in things. My wife crochets, and I’m just not interested in that. I play Destiny 2 with a group of friends, while my wife plays the Sims and Dreamlight Valley. We both like Marvel movies, but if she didn’t, that would be fine – I’d see the movies I want to see, and she’d see the movies she wants to see.
It’s OK to have separate hobbies and tastes.
I suppose it’s common in that almost all the men I’ve dated don’t take a genuine interest in my hobbies or interests. It baffles me that someone can care so little or not even be curious.
But it is NOT something you should grow comfortable with.
I am very pleased that my partner cares about my interests! It matters. It makes me feel valued, and it’s fun to know he wants to tag along just to see me light up.
My partner comes outside to spend time with me sometimes when I garden. He’ll listen to my excited update that I brought X plant back to life, or that Y is about to start fruiting, or that Z is about to unfurl a massive leaf. He goes with me to gardens in our vacations because he knows I love to see them.
He also watches shows that are outside our common interests. We both like comedies, anime, and action movies, but I also like kdramas and The Great British Bake-Off. So…he watches GBBO with me, and has tried a few kdramas. He isn’t a kdrama guy but it turns out he likes GBBO and I think that’s wonderful.
If you can’t share your joy with your partner, something is wrong.
It’s common but it’s one of the things that would lead me to walk away from a man if he did it.
I think expecting someone to read a book you’re into is too much. That’s something they’d do on their own and I don’t look to control people’s alone time. I don’t do things like this in my private time for my husband. But I would expect him to come see a movie with me if that book was adapted into one. That’s something we can do together and just because it isn’t his thing I’d still expect him to be interested in it because it’s time with me.
Unfortunately a common experience. It’s okay to have different hobbies, but to me, putting in the effort to learn about things your partner likes is just part of loving your partner. It helps with gift giving and with thinking of activities to do together. I’ve found that a lot of people don’t put in the effort to learn about something they’re not interested in themselves. And there are people like my ex who will look at you like you’re crazy for being excited about something you enjoy
I am apeople pleaser, so when my husband and I were hanging out, I would be good with pretty much anything while he had more preferences. It made sense to do what was least offensive to both of us, but it became a pattern where it always ended up being his preferred activity. When I suggested something that he wasn’t particularly interested in, he would say that he wanted to compromise, which happened to always be something he chose. (We do share hobbies and interests as well, but this was for those moments when it wasn’t something we shared)
Eventually, I saw this pattern and pointed it out. It wasn’t intentional, but we still had to fix the problem. I needed to be more assertive when I wanted something, and he needed to be more observant of subtle cues and listen better.
Now, when I suggested something once (food or a movie), he would not push back at all because he recognized I may capitulate. Now, if I just finished a book that I wanted to tell him about, I would just walk up to him (make sure he had time) and tell him I wanted to share about my book. I also taught him about how about how to ask more engaging questions when discussing things you aren’t normally interested in or don’t have previous knowledge about (I was a communication major). He’s thankful for this whole thing because he said it’s made him an overall better conversationalist who is able to engage with anyone and not be limited to only discussing his own hobbies or interests with friends and family. This was years ago, but it could have set up for a really unequal relationship completely unintentionally.
If you are a people pleaser, it is easy to get into these negative patterns where you put your feelings last, even with caring partners. The partners often need to advocate for not getting what they want, which is really counterintuitive for people and requires extra work, but it’s the only way to avoid long-term resentment.
All that being said. If you have a similar issue and your partner doesn’t want to do anything about it or isn’t interested in engaging in your hobbies or talking about your interests ever, then it’s time to move on. That person doesn’t want a partner but a captive audience.
This was the big conversation in therapy with my husband this week. We don’t talk about the things that interest me, we don’t watch the movies I’m interested in, we don’t play the video games I’m interested in, because “those sound boring” as if I somehow find all the shit he loves enthralling 100% of the time. So there’s this really cool concert coming up, they’re going to play music from a game I love called Stardew Valley with a live orchestra, with projected gameplay footage to accompany it, and I was seriously thinking about going for a minute – I have chronic depression and I literally never get excited about anything – but listening to him go on and on to what essentially boiled down to “I really want to take you to that to make you happy! I mean, it sounds really boring, and I’m not going to have fun, and I’m going to be miserable, and we both know I’m going to make no effort to hide that, and I’ve just placed a lot of pressure on you to perform happiness for me instead of just letting you enjoy this thing or trying to find something about it to enjoy and share with you I’m going to make you responsible for filling my cup while we’re there… what do you mean you don’t want to go now? This is why we never do your stuff!” And he genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with that.
I was going to say “if I went to a movie he wanted to see with a shitty attitude like that he’d hate it” but I’m actually not sure because I’ve never done that to him. He doesn’t seem to understand that him coming with me and hating it would make it impossible for me to enjoy, but maybe they just legitimately don’t care if we’re enjoying ourselves? There’s a reason for the reported orgasm imbalance, after all. Makes me wish I had a friend to invite instead.
Hmm only one guy was willing to try, great guy.
Yes, it is normal. No, it should not be normal.
I’d call it somewhat common rather than normal. Some people don’t realize they do it and will improve if alerted; some will at most pretend to improve after alerted.
That said, it’s okay to have no interest in some things whether or not your partner likes them. But then the reaction should be to work with your partner to find some things you both like, even if that’s something new to both of you.
No it’s not normal imo. You were with guys who just didn’t really care..
When you like someone, it’s only natural to want to know what they like too. Sure, you could listen to their music and hate it, but that means you were still curious about it.
Anyway, my current partner does all that stuff. We do also have a common hobby which is gaming and we’ve played a lot of games together. They’re out there
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Yes. It’s normal because of the patriarchy. My ex would pretend my good ideas were his so that he could embrace them.
This is huge societal problem. Woman are socialized to find commonality with men while men think that taking any interest in things “women do” makes them “less of a man.”
It’s heartbreaking to think that men are actively avoiding view points of us women who are 50% OF THE POPULATION. They take zero interest in our lives and perspective.
Well, in early dating did they initially show an interest in getting to understand your stuff or was it like that from the beginning and you kept dating them?
I think expressing interest in what your partner likes is the bare minimum to a long lasting stable relationship.
How are you supposed to grow as an individual if you don’t listen to what other people like and do? Maybe you’ll even like what they do and you can do it together!
Unfortunately some people don’t show interest, and on the flip-side, some people also don’t like sharing.
My last ex complained about me wanting to spend time with her, trying to watch the same shows, asking questions about what she liked.
I have been out of the dating pool for a while ( married) but that was not normal.
Usually if a guy was interested in having something other than a TSSR (Temporary Superficial Sexual Relationship), there was at least a token effort to find out what I liked and play into that. If that didn’t happen very early, we didn’t date. Period.
However, be careful whether it is a true or expedient interest.
Example, I dated a guy who had moved to my big city because he wanted to meet women who were not (trigger warning-offensive) just secretaries.
He had seasons tickets to the symphony ( I really like classical music) and was taking cooking classes in different cuisines. i long suspected that someone, possibly his mother, told him that if he wanted to attract a certain type of woman, he had to cloak himself accordingly.
We clicked. But it turned out the symphony was not what he was into ( he was a country music fan) and his food preferences trend toward well done steaks with butter on them.
He had other qualities though that I got to know and he got to know mine. It would not have progressed if he had not at least acted like he liked the things I liked and vice versa. We respect each other’s interests, but I now mostly eat ethnic stuff with friends and go to the symphony on my own. I can make a good well done steak that is not shoe leather although it pains me to do so.
We have been married 41 years.
Are the men in your family like this too?
Totally normal. And it shouldn’t be.
This is not a small nitpick. It’s a good way to weed out people who are self-centered and don’t view or treat you as your own being with your own interests. In other words, these folks are either not compatible with you or have no business sharing two lives with an intimate partner. Sharing a life together is absolutely a two way street. This doesn’t mean he has to like everything you like equally, but he should show a healthy amount of curiosity and wanting to stay in touch with who you are just because he already likes you.
I had this with my last relationship, and it about broke me. He was incapable of showing interest in the things I loved.
The guy I’m seeing now shows genuine appreciation and interest in the things I like, and it means so much to me. Imo, it’s a basic requirement for a partner.
I think it’s maybe less about what is “normal” and more about how it makes you feel and what you need from a partner in order to be happy in a relationship!
In one of my past long-term relationships, my partner was like… aggressively uninterested in my interests. It felt like he was actually consciously refusing to show interest in or try doing anything I liked or suggested – even when they were things he absolutely would have enjoyed if he’d come up with the idea by himself. On the other hand, the stuff he was into wasn’t always what I’d have chosen to spend my time on if left to my own devices, but because I loved him and wanted to spend time with him, I’d usually be game for whatever it was he wanted to do/watch/talk about/etc.
And I enjoyed all of it well enough, but over time it was like he expected me to get all of my personal fulfillment from “his” things, and it didn’t even seem to occur to him that in fact there may have been other things I would have preferred to do, but the reason I was showing interest in his interests was actually because I was interested in him, not so much the thing itself.
Ultimately, this was one of the biggest factors that led to our breakup. No matter how hard I tried to explain it to him, he just couldn’t understand or appreciate that all of that time spent listening to him talk about fantasy sports and his favourite teams, going to games, hanging out with all his friends and family, attending his important events, watching the movies he liked, going on trips he chose, etc took effort from me, and used up so much of my emotional and physical energy that I was neglecting all of my own friends/family/interests.
And he was unwilling to meet me halfway – he always had time for his own friends, but never for mine; he always had time to watch a game on TV, but never to go for a hike with me…etc. And he expected me to be fully gung ho for everything he wanted to do, and got sulky if I ever wanted to sit something out – yet it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything I wanted to do, and basically not worth even trying after a while.
I think some variation of this dynamic is unfortunately “normal” in a lot of conventional hetero relationships – that women in general are more likely to bend over backwards to show interest in their partners’ interests and lives, while the men we are with take it for granted that we’ll just do this (because their interests are “better” so why wouldn’t we, I guess?) and don’t see any reason to do the same for us. But while this may be “normal”, it’s not a marker of a healthy and reciprocal relationship!
I think it’s totally okay, and healthy for a couple to have different interests and hobbies, and that it’s up to the individuals in a partnership to decide how involved or uninvolved they want their partner to be in their interests. Some of us may be happiest with a partner who we have a lot of shared interests and hobbies with; others may prefer to have stuff we do that’s just for us.
My current partner and I have a lot of things we like to do together, and a lot of things we don’t. I have a bunch of random hobbies that I certainly can’t fault him for not being into – so if, for example, there’s a rock & mineral show or a coin show I want to go to, I plan to go alone (which I prefer anyway because I spend HOURS looking at stuff lol). But for other stuff, we compromise. He’s super into metal music and loves going to concerts – I’m not particularly into metal but I go with him and enjoy myself! And he’s not into my music but he still keeps an eye out for concert listings for bands I like and will happily join me at those as well.
We both love hiking, but I’m into bird/wildlife photography and he’s not – yet when we go on hikes he’s always on the lookout for wildlife and will sit and wait for me to get a photo without complaint. He loves comics and videogames and I am not into either, but I watch all the Marvel movies with him and I am now weirdly invested in the world and characters of Red Dead Redemption. He’s super into Lego and he wanted me to do Lego with him so instead of superhero sets, he started buying Lego sets of things like flowers and plants and birds and insects and now I love it and they’re all over our house.
The key difference from my past relationship is that if I talk to him about or show him something I like, he actually listens to me. He acts interested, gives feedback, and is excited for my excitement. I don’t feel like I have to shape all my free time and energy around what he wants to do, as he’s willing to meet me halfway. It’s not perfect – I know he wishes I would read more comics, and I’d love it if he got more into rocks lol. But there is none of the resentment that built up in my last relationship, because this feels reciprocal!
My ex was like this. I tried to be interested in everything he did. And he either wasn’t interested, or actively disliked everything I was into. The few times he did join me at events, he would sit in the corner and act miserable the whole time. It got to the point where I would buy my own birthday/Christmas presents and he would pay me back for them because he was that far removed from knowing my interests.
Eventually I just started going out by myself, and that was really what gave me the kick in the butt to get out of the relationship. I realized that he didn’t want me as a girlfriend (person). He wanted a girl as a girlfriend (object).
That was years ago. I’m married now to a wonderful man who takes interest in my interests. Am I even going to get him to read romantasy smut? No. But do I always get a Sarah J Maas themed present for my birthday (among other things)? Absolutely.
He even noticed that recently he’s been saying no to a lot of my ideas to get out of the house and were becoming homebodies. So he is actively saying yes to more things, and enjoying himself when we go .
You have a habit of dating guys who are selfish.
A therapist could probably help you pinpoint why, but as far as I know it’s typically stems from what we learned ubconsciously at a young age.
And to answer your question, first, what defines ‘normal’? Is it an average with which to measure the societal standard expectation? And if it is, would it be acceptable to you as long as it’s acceptable to everyone else?
Personally, I don’t believe that’s good enough. You deserve better. You deserve someone who matches your interest and intensity, who willingly puts as much into the relationship as you do. Why love someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them, when there are people out there worthy of the attention.
Yeah it is normal. I learnt to give the same energy back
I found most guys were like this, and i got rid of them pretty quickly. I met my husband when we were both in our early 20s and didn’t have that problem with him. His many other fine qualities made him a keeper and I haven’t dated since (widowed over a decade ago). I can’t say if men age out of this or not, but who needs one if they don’t lol?
Im a guy, Im aroace, I’ll do things I hate because the company of my friends is worth it, and far exceeds the dislike I’d have for doing something.
I can’t imagine how fake you must be to not do something like that with someone you supposedly ‘love.’
I don’t think someone has to try everything, but it’s not normal to never have anything in common and never try to find anything. You’re not compatible then
Unfortunately, it is normal. But that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.
I’m discovering this is partially what is meant by women “centering men”. In relationships, women too often take an interest in their hobbies (because that is what we were taught a good partner should do), but either don’t expect or just don’t get the same level of interest because women’s hobbies may “endanger his masculinity”. Even if it’s not an inherently feminine hobby, men aren’t taught to take an interest in women’s hobbies because they are taught to center themselves. But women deserve someone who celebrates them, tries to understand their hobbies, and appreciates their hobbies as well.
Women’s struggle right now is decentering men so they can focus on their own hobbies a bit more and men’s struggle is decentering themselves, because they were taught that their hobbies were better and were more important. It’s all about finding the balance. Both men and women should be leaning into each other’s hobbies equally and getting to know everything about the other person so they can appreciate and love each other as a whole.
My toxic psycho ex took this to the next level and when I would start watching a new show that I was interested in, he would also watch it but PROCEED TO WATCH NEW EPISODES WITHOUT ME. He would take advantage of knowing I was interested in something and then pretended HIS interest superseded mine and was actually a separate thing.
I started watching Legend of Korra when it came out and this fucking idiot, having never seen ATLA, watched some episodes and then continued watching them when I wasn’t there, even though I WAS THE ONE who expressed interest in watching this new show, related to a beloved show of mine.
He would also constantly spoil new GoT episodes while I was pulling third shift at an ER. He hated me while dating me and I will forever hate him into the afterlife.
Figure out why you are attracted, rather than repelled, by men who wave red flags in your face.
Then decide to stop doing that, and look for men who show themselves as kind and interested in YOU.
Not showing any interest in what you like or are interested in is a sign that they do not care enough to get to know you on a deeper level.
I’ve noticed this with my relationships with men as well, both platonic and romantic. They expect me to be open to all of their interests but almost never return the favor. And when they do, they do it begrudgingly.
It just shows a lack of respect towards you as a person for something that seems small in the grand scheme of things.
Idk i think this is relatively common but it does give the impression that the person just really doesn’t care about you or your interests
It’s normal if you let it be normal
and I no longer do
I just dump
Life’s too short to live it with people who don’t care about you
I had someone ask me once why I only listen to female rappers, don’t I like Kendrick Lamar and listed other male rappers. I said so you listen to any female rappers and he said no, so I was like why are you asking me why I only listen to female rappers when you only listen to male rappers? Couldn’t answer the question but I know the answer, because he sees men as the default gender so why wouldn’t I listen to male rappers.
For the record, I do listen to male rappers, just not as much as female ones.
sounds pretty normal if they just kinda like you/having you/that you were attractive (an accessory), rather than liking you as a friend/person who was interesting to them. But was it books and music you liked, or books and music you liked which you thought based on what you knew about what they liked that they might like, too? two very separate categories to me. If someone was giving me misguided recs I’d eventually ignore them. Likewise, I wouldn’t share all my favorite things with all my favorite people, kinda have to meet them where they’re at (“Most of what makes a book ‘good’ is that we are reading it at the right moment for us.” Alain de Botton)
Is it normal? Yes. Is it acceptable? No.
My college boyfriend told me in no uncertain terms that he expected me to learn about and grow an interest in football (gag). Then I told him which of my interests I wanted him to participate in, and he plainly said “no, that’s not going to happen.” It was something basic like going for long drives.
My following long-term relationship wasn’t better. He kept begging me to engage with his interests, which I did and didn’t enjoy. When I would invite him to mine, he’d refuse every time.
From my experience, men don’t like to work. They like to be catered to. Women are taught to sacrifice themselves to be handlers of man-babies.
I love being single.
Common, yes. Normal? I’m not sure. That’s one of the many things I loved about my husband when we first got married. We shared our interests with one another, where with every guy I dated before him pretty aggressively pushed their interests on me but didn’t care about mine at all. This likely goes along with the personality type that likes to dominate the conversation and rarely asks about their date/SO. My dad has always been this way. He’s problematic in other ways too.
I’m not sure if it’s an extreme lack of awareness or selfishness or both. I see the difference as with selfishness, they know what others want and just don’t care. A lack of awareness is when they don’t even realize what they are doing.
Yeah no that’s why they’re your exes. Find someone who cares about your interest.
Super normal. And it was my number one personal requirement for any potential boyfriend. That he show equal interest (without whining) in my hobbies as I do his. I finally found one, and I think it’s a good litmus test bc he’s all around not a POS. Not perfect, but he at the very minimum doesn’t consider himself the priority over anyone else. No after 20 years together, 16 of which we are married. Hobbies have come and gone but we both have personal hobbies and shared hobbies. He may not read the same books as me and I may not play the same video games but we are both equally interested when the other wants to rant or share about their hobbies. And we do things together, some of which are hobbies I or he picked up along the way (like hiking and table top gaming).
But man it was a slog to find what seems like the only decent guy in a 100 mi radius around where I lived in my 20s 🫠
Nope.
But read Lundy Bancroft’s book for significantly more info.
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Many of my exes were like this. But good news! My current partner shows interest in my hobbies and will at least listen to me talk if not fully engage.
For example, I like to volunteer in my local public garden. They don’t enjoy that, but they still went out and bought me a new pair of work gloves when I complained mine had a hole in them.
Don’t settle for a partner who isn’t interested in you and the things you care about.
Is it possible you feign enough interest in their movies, music, and interest that they simply thought you both like them equally, rather than you just trying to connect with them?
Idk if this is uncommon but I’d say you’ve been unlucky with the people you’ve dated. My longtime partner (male) and me have completely different hobbies and interests but we both make sure to show interest and ask each other abt them!
With “exes,” yes, probably a consistent trait.
Is it normal? Yes, but it’s not ok. It’s only normal because for a lot of guys the bar is so low it’s on the floor.
It’s not normal but unfortunately pretty common despite expecting their partners to attend every sportsball game with them
> I’ve just been very unlucky with the guys I’ve been dating
It’s this.
It’s one thing if a partner or prospective partner tries to get into something you like, and it’s not their thing, but not even trying?
Yeah.
I dunno if I’d say it’s a full-on red flag, but I think it’s at least an orange one.
On a base human level, give and take is important, and making time and spending effort on the things your person likes and values reflects on some level what degree of effort and thought they’re willing to put into you.