I know this has been asked a million times before, but each situation is different and I needed to vent anyway so here’s the gist of it:
I’m 30m, I’ve known this guy for 10 years now, we met in Uni. We were pretty much best friends for about 5 years – we lived together, we travelled together, the whole shebang.
Right before Covid, we both started dating these 2 girls who were good friends, but over several months had a falling out. For a variety of different reasons, including our new girlfriends’ strenous relationship and Covid itself, we also started seeing less and less of eachother. Mind you, there was never any argument or anything negative/bad said between the two of us during this time. I had tried to keep the friendship alive, but I felt like I wasn’t getting back what I was putting in (for example never reaching out first, and always being busy when asked to hang out), so I stopped making an effort.
When Covid was finally over in 2022-3 and things were getting back to normal, everyone’s relationships slowly started “rekindling” a little bit. The girls thawed out and started talking occasionally on social media, everyone was starting to see more of eachother at mutual friends’ gatherings, etc. Over the last year we’ve invited them to things, they’ve invited us to things, we went to their housewarming and they came to ours, we were playing sports together, etc.
I certainly wouldn’t say we were best friends anymore, but it felt like we were getting back to a good place.
Recently I found out from a mutual friend that the bachelor party is happening soon and the wedding thereafter, and I/we are not invited to either event. I asked the best man, who is a very close friend of ours (I was best man at his wedding several years ago) if he knew why we weren’t invited, and he said he was told that “wedding was small and only very close and old friends from before uni were invited”. I know for a fact this isn’t true because there’s at least 2 people that I know of that don’t really fit this description.
I don’t believe we’ve done anything wrong, his fiancee was sending memes to my girlfriend as of a couple days ago, as if nothing has happened.
I considered asking him about it, but I can’t think of any reason he could give that would make feel like this is OK. The “small wedding” thing seems like BS, and either way, it’s not like they are strapped for cash – if they wanted to invite us they could’ve. Even if nothing else, they could’ve at least reached out proactively instead of me having to find out like this.
We have a good amount of mutual friends and it’s not like I can ignore them for the rest of my life, but I also can’t just pretend like everything is alright, so I’m not sure really sure how to behave. Thoughts?
Comments
I guess he thinks differently of your friendship than you. I have no clue why people do this (without at least a conversation) but try to move on and grieve this friendship.
Alas! Relationships change. Friendships end. Obviously you are not considered a close friend anymore. Adjust, move on. Hug.
Maybe they just don’t feel close to you anymore and feel like your more just friends and not close friends people change over time. sometimes it’s better to let the relationship go . like you said you didn’t stay in contact much during COVID and your gf has had a rocky relationship with his it’s understandable why they might not want you guys at there wedding could be they do just want a small
Wedding and cherry picked people they feel closer to.
That sucks. I’d ask him about it directly and if he pulls the small close wedding thing, you counter with the people you know aren’t that close. Maybe it might not make you feel ok but at least you addressed it so you’re not always wondering.
It seems you are more attached to the friendship than he is. It happens and is not anyone’s fault. Focus on the friendships where you are truly valued and don’t be afraid to let this one go. Sounds like it has pretty much run its course.
That said, plan fun activities with your gf during the big event and post about it.
Some might say, “It’s not that deep” or, “It’s their wedding, they get to curate the guest list however they want”. But you feel slighted for a reason because you regard them as a “close friend”. On the other hand, you could ask. But you will probably get the same answer you already got from someone who is invited.
You and your partner will most likely be lumped into some larger celebration or social gathering that they might have afterwards. Life goes on and in the long run its up to you to decide if this persists living in your head, rent-free.
This is very sticky esp if you have to continue to see them. You will need to initiate a conversation , just very calm, not confronting or combative, saying you believed they were in a good place with you guys hence it stings to know you guys were not considered close friends after all the history you share. Then just let him say what he has to say. Then Wish them luck and that’s that. Don’t challenge it, don’t be offensive. This is just for your closure. Hopefully he will feel like sh*t a little bit too, esp if you were nice and calm. But once this has been done you kinda have the upper hand going forward. Only as long as you don’t turn it into a fight of any kind. You have to be super zen. Good luck.
What you do now is don’t go. You move on. Why is this something you need validation for?
I’ve been in friendships where I’ve wanted them to end but the other party doesn’t and keeps pushing things. I don’t want to be rude but they don’t seem to get the hint either. This is probably a situation where they don’t feel the same about you or there’s something or somethings you did in the past that they don’t like. I would avoid them and just let it naturally end. My guess is they won’t reach out to you anymore.