For background:
I am 24 F in my second year of medical school with a biochemistry undergraduate and I played college volleyball during. I am also currently working 2 jobs as well as dog sitting. I pay large amounts of money on my loans every year, and I recently purchased a new car. I am very clean, and organized, have high aspirations for my life. I love sports and the outdoors and my friends and family and church. I am however also high strung, anxious, and in secure. I am not perfect. I come from a family who I am very lucky to have but I am paying for life on my own and always have been. I starting working at age 13.
My boyfriend 24 M is my first relationship and we have been dating for 2 years. He’s amazing. He’s incredibly kind, and treats me so well. However, he’s taking a couple extra years to earn his undergraduate degree (which is completely fine) in teaching. His car was always filled with trash, and then it got totaled because he didn’t change the oil or take care of it. I was so mortified because my friends couldn’t ride in it and my parents are questioning if he’ll be able to take care of me if he can’t take care of his car or himself. He hasn’t bought a new one and it’s been 10 months. He also has gotten into some legal trouble (DUI) and I hate that he plays videos games all the time. He’s not my typical type, but I was willing to look past a lot of things about him because of how kind and funny he js. We don’t share the same views on hard work and determination. He buys Pokémon cards and gaming consoles instead of saving his money. I really wish he would get a second job or babysit or tutor or something but he won’t. He won’t even clean his room out. It’s killing me I can’t handle a lot of these things it feels like it’s eating me up. But I know I am high strung and insecure and particular. But I also feel like some of these things are basic habits if a grown person, and I want taken care of. I do not want it any other way in my future. He gets mad when I question his character in these ways and he is not a fighter. I’m scared I am too much for him and I think I want to be with someone who is more resilient, dominant, and idk. Im not sure what I want.
I’m really not trying to sound like a stuck up and entitled person. Because I swear to you I’m not. I just am a more high strung, and admittedly particular person. And I’m just nervous I’ve looked over so many things that mean a lot to me and I can’t tell if I’m making too many compromises on what I want in a partner just because he’s so incredibly kind and funny and treats me with so much respect and love.
I’m fearful I’ll never find someone who loves me so much. And we are so deeply involved in our relationship. It’s currently distance (not far 1.5 hours) and we see each other most weekends. He gets me amazing thoughtful gifts and we share the same religious views. His friends are great.
Can someone give me some insight on this for a confused girl who doesn’t know what the next steps should be?
TL;DR;: basically I’m worried my boyfriend is not driven enough for my future goals and his work ethic gets on my nerves. What should I do?
Comments
It sounds like a mismatch. Women are born with “a renovation gene” and believe they can change a guy by loving him enough, which is not true. As hard as you have worked, you do know he is just not motivated. Take a breath and don’t settle for less.
Long distance relationships aren’t real. You haven’t been dating for two years. You’ve been dating for two years minus the times you’ve been an hour and a half apart. So how long has it really been?
And when you’re with the right person, all those paragraphs aren’t needed. Don’t make the mistake most people make and try to change your partner into who you want them to be. Find the person who is already right for you, who you don’t have to change.
Well this is only a choice you can make for yourself. The DUI is concerning and it’s not wrong of you to want someone who is more clean and ambitious. But if he isn’t lazy and is pursuing what he is interested in and buys things in his life that he enjoys he’s not wrong. It’s his life too he has the right and the will to have his own interests as long as it’s not causing a detriment to his family and relationship. Not everyone is gonna be like you and work 2 jobs, and min/max every aspect of their lives. You gotta respect other people’s pace of how they approach and tackle life.
The guy seems irresponsible and I don’t think you’re wrong to feel the way that you do but you do seem like you need to chill out. If he has a messy car or his room is messy just say you don’t feel comfortable being around this mess and just go home. If nagging him isn’t working just remove yourself and see if he makes an effort then.
So your happy about the relationship but not as happy about the man.
If you make that comparison, and it is arranged as i see it like above, the relationship will most likely fail. Your growing angst against him will only increase, and you’ll belive the relationship isn’t worth it as you’ll start to like the man even less.
In short, you’ll get the ick and end the relationship.
Its not looking good to me.
You are ambitious, driven, obviously intelligent and hard-working since you got into medical school WHILE PLAYING VOLLEYBALL!!! First off hell yeah to you. People dream of being you. You are excellent all by yourself.
He can’t clean his car, drinks and drives, spends frivolously. Not a total slouch, he’s at least educating himself, but teacher’s salary vs. Doctor salary is pretty different. Maybe I’m cynical but he’s probably thinking he’s got a slam dunk by finding you. You talk about being insecure and high-strung- is that from you or from him?
I wish you the best through the rest of your studies , and know that there are SOOOO MANY MEN who would love the shit out of you BECAUSE you’re “high strung” “goal”oriented” and “driven”. If this is your first relationship, obviously there’s gonna be a lot of big feelings involved about doing right by your partner, trying hard enough, making it work. That’s what got you to where you are in every other aspect of your life. Dating is about finding compatibility. You’re the only one living your life and you’re obviously smart enough to do whatever the fuck you want. Is this it? Ruminate, journal, spend time with your family and church, and think about what you want your life to look like in 10, 20, 30 years. Maybe he’s it but… maybe not
Just because you’re high strung or particular doesn’t mean you don’t deserve much, much better. You are a smart, driven, successful woman who is going to become a doctor someday. 💙
You deserve way better than a scrub who gets DUIs, and can’t even clean his room…
If you had a son just like him, would you be proud? If not, you have your answer.
Sounds like you’re not compatible and are in different stages in life.
I would break up and move on.