Hello,
I want to preface that I can feel a little triggered by alcoholics or people who can’t control themselves drinking because I come from a family of many alcoholics and I have had some traumatic experiences.
I (26 F) and my husband (27M) have been together for 8 years. We don’t go out much but whenever we attend an event (weddings, birthdays, holidays) my husband cannot control his drinking. I never used to have a problem with his drinking until recently. The past 2 years he gets so drunk at events that I have had to have friends or family members help me carry him out or since he is so drunk he will misunderstand things I say to him and start a big fight where he usually is not very kind.
For example, we had a friends wedding tonight. I was a bridesmaid so it was an important to me to be there for my friend on her big day. Before hand I asked him if he would be conscious of his drinking and he told me I had nothing to worry about and that he is totally in control of his drinking now. Well obviously that was not that case. He had at least 10 drinks within 3 hours (some had double shots) and I asked if he would take a 30 min break from drinking to wait and see how he feels because I was worried it was hitting him too fast. He told me he would stop but then he said he was going to the bathroom. I realized I needed to go too after he left, but on my way there I saw him at the bar ordering two more drinks. That’s when I got a little upset and I told him I was feeling upset that he got drinks when he told me he would take a break. He then said I was embarrassed of him and that I don’t want to be seen with him. He walked off from the wedding and said he couldn’t go back to the wedding because I hurt him so badly. I followed him home and was trying to calm him and I started crying. A group of people started walking towards us and since I didn’t want them to see my crying I told him to wait for a moment with me off to the side while they passed and I faced away from the street. I heard him make an ugh sound and mumble something but I was trying to get my emotions together so I didn’t look back until the people had passed and when I turned around he was gone. He left me in the street alone at 10pm and even though he had left me I was worried so I wondered the streets alone in the dark looking for him and missed the rest of the wedding. I eventually found him but it was really upsetting that he left me alone in the street while it was dark out. After I found him he kept going on about how I hurt him, how I’m in the wrong, that I ruined his time and don’t let him have fun, and that I’m punishing him when he’s done nothing wrong. Now he is passed out sleeping peacefully while I sit here unable to sleep because this is yet another event that I have missed because of his drinking problem.
TLDR: my husband gets wasted at almost every event and it ends with me needing help carrying him out or us getting in a fight because sometimes he gets emotional and angry when drunk.
We have talked about this many times, he always genuinely apologies and says it won’t happen again but I don’t know what to do anymore.
Comments
I’m very sorry that you’re going through this.
This is what I’d like him to understand, when he’s comfortable, with an open mind. I think he needs to know that this is what a serious problem looks like and he can take this road down as far as he needs to before he decides to quit. This isn’t how normal people drink and it’s the prelude to more serious forms of abuse. You’re willing to go part of that road with him, but if he doesn’t decide to quit there will be a moment where you also can not follow him.
There is all kinds of horrible shit waiting for him if he doesn’t decide to quit, and not quitting will have all kinds of costs, things he didn’t even think of.
Maybe he is one of those types of people who drinks like this but then cuts back to one or two on Sundays or something. If that’s the case now’s the time to do it!
Having to quit a behavior like this and never fucking do it again can be scary. It’s actually really, really common. So common in fact that there are a variety of support groups. Some support groups like AA aim for total abstinence, others like SMART recovery focus on self directed goals. Goals like never fucking doing it again. My guess is though that if he is regularly making an ass out of himself it’s time to give total abstinence a try.
After all, if there’s something in that bottle that is worth that much it’s going to start taking more and more.
r/stopdrinking is great, discord has a variety of support groups, and of course, a therapist is insanely helpful.
OP I would also look for support groups on reddit and discord, I think r/alanon is for friends and relatives on here.
He’s an alcoholic. He may not think so but his drinking meets that general threshold. If there is one things addicts cannot do, it is resolve their addiction by themself. He needs to come to terms with it and enlist the help and resources needed to rein it in. Ultimately he has to make this decision, not you. Conversely, it is your decision if you choose to continue tolerating it.
Promising it won’t happen again will never work without a plan. Many-a-marriages have failed over substance abuse, specifically alcohol. Yours could easily become a statistic if he doesn’t get his shit together.
He’s an alcoholic. I’m sorry.
I hope you find strength with AlAnon or therapy. It’s helpful to talk to people who have been there with family members.
And, for the future, it’s just: he can’t be ‘conscious’ of his drinking. He binge drinks at events. He just will. You can choose a lot of responses to that including not bringing him to social events at all, but you can’t shut your eyes and deny it and deal with this again and again and pretend it will be different.
I find talking at the beginning of the event works well, that way it’s fresh in the mind and you can set indirect boundaries when sober that hopefully stay with you when you venture into the 5-6 drinks mark
I think that… He has a drinking problem. He’s shifting the blame on you because he doesn’t want to accept responsibility and admit he has a problem. You’re not at fault. He’s fighting you to be able to get so drunk that he needs help getting home, this is addiction.
If I were you I’d read up online on alcoholism and especially on what family members of an alcoholic should (or shouldn’t) do. I would want to be as well informed and prepped as I can be for future arguments… You’ll have to be tough so I wish strength to you.