Not sure what to do anymore!!!

Hi! I’m a frustrated first time mom who is just looking to vent since I don’t really have many people to talk to about this situation or relate to as I am the first woman in my friend group to have a baby. My mother in-law is becoming increasingly more difficult when it comes to my baby. I apologize for the length of this post ahead of time.

We will go back to when I was pregnant. The question was always “how’s my baby” after every appointment we had. Which didn’t really bother me at the time. I had jokingly said one time “oh [insert my husband’s name] is doing well today he slept well and enjoyed his breakfast, he’s strong” and her response was “I don’t care about him silly.” Once the baby was born, it continued “my baby this, my baby that” and the second we’d walk through the door or she’d come visit it’s “give me my baby.” Once she was born, my mama bear instinct kicked in and it’s really pissed me off. She’s your grandchild, not your child, relax a little bit.

When our little girl was born we were in the hospital for maybe 36 hours (baby was born at 10am on a Wednesday and we were discharged Thursday at 2pm), and we wanted nothing more than to get home as soon as possible. So, we had the hospital complete all testing as fast as the doctors and nurses could so we could get out of there. It was really busy and we were exhausted. Nurses/doctors constantly coming in to monitor my blood pressure like every two hours as I had high blood pressure during pregnancy. Baby was also born at 5lbs and was only 16 inches so they had to do a car seat test. We weren’t even sure if she was going to be big enough to bring home. It was just a very long day and a half and our main focus was getting home, so it just didn’t work out for having visitors in the hospital. In the long run, I’m kind of glad it worked out that way as I didn’t feel like I had to “host” and we got the time just the 3 of us. My parents had a cold when the baby was born so they couldn’t visit when we got home but my in-laws came over to meet her.

My mother in-law’s energy when she came into the house was horrible. She wouldn’t look us in the eyes, had barely anything to say, and didn’t even seem to be excited to see the baby. Come to find out she was upset that she didn’t get to “have her moment” as a grandparent and go to the hospital. It wasn’t even a thought to us that our parents might feel that way, we just wanted to go home as we had only slept for probably 6 hours in the last 2 days. My husband told her it wasn’t our intent to make her feel that way we just wanted to get home. She continued to press him about it to which he eventually told her it wasn’t about her.

Next issue was that we asked that no one kiss the baby as she was born in cold/flu/RSV season and herpes is a concern as 75% of my side of the family gets them. No one on my side of the family had any problem with this request, and I didn’t think it was unreasonable. However, this has been a constant issue with my mother in-law because “it’s hard” to not kiss her. My husband has had many many discussions with her, even yelled at her over this matter and she cannot accept that we don’t want people kissing her to protect her. Her safety is more important than someone’s urges to kiss her. My MIL’s argument is that she doesn’t have herpes so she should be allowed to, not thinking of other things she could carry like a cold or other illness. I figured that people would do their best to ease my new mom worries and try to make me feel comfortable but I was wrong.

Another request is that we don’t want our baby on social media. I’m very private (pretty much only active on Instagram, maybe making 1-3 posts a year usually hiking related) and my husband doesn’t even use social media. I posted one picture when the baby was born on Instagram as she’s never going to look like that again.

I promise all of this jumping around is leading the events that happened this past weekend.

About a month ago on a Saturday, we were supposed to be going to my husband’s parent’s house for dinner as they had relatives from out of state visiting and they could finally meet the baby. It was a weekend devoted to his family since the relatives were up for a cousins baby shower on that Sunday. Friday night the entire family, had hung out for a little cookout, we couldn’t attend because we had plans with my side which wasn’t a problem because we were seeing everyone the rest of the weekend. The day of (Saturday), my husbands parents let everyone know that they were not feeling well and they didn’t think dinner at their house was a good idea, so the plans shifted to another relatives house. I was feeling a little anxious about bringing the baby as everyone had been in contact with my in-laws the night before, but my husband doesn’t get the see the out of state relatives often and it was going to be outside so ultimately we decided to go. I just said I wasn’t going to be passing the baby around. Everyone attending the get together was completely supportive and I felt really good about it, as I had entered the situation feeling anxious.

Since then, my husband and I have done some summer traveling with the baby. We are very adventurous and have checked many firsts off of the baby’s list. My in-laws have been traveling on weekends as well, and they’ve had on and off colds so we hadn’t been able to see them for 3 weeks due to the traveling and them being sick. Another side note: they both work full time so availability to see the baby is really only on the weekend.

Throughout the last few months there’s been the typical unsolicited “advice” from my MIL about giving the baby a pacifier or a bottle so others can have more time with her during visits. She’s even tried to keep the baby awake while visiting because “if I keep her up now she’ll sleep better for you tonight.” And I’m like that’s not really how it works with babies. Plenty of “grandmas your favorite” comments to the baby, and not giving me the baby back when I say “oh she’s crying because she’s hungry” or “let me take her to change her diaper really fast.” I’ve just felt constant judgement and pressure because I might be doing things differently. I’ve felt extremely uncomfortable in many situations as she has not respected the no kissing rule, and I didn’t have anxiety about people being around the baby until someone close to us who we expected to have our backs, didn’t. My husband has also been really supportive and had my back throughout the process. I know he’s exhausted from dealing with it as well, and I feel bad he’s kind of in the middle of it even though we agreed that we would deal with our own parents/sides of the family if anything ever came up.

Finally, I think I’ve given enough back ground for understanding of this weekend. This weekend was the family’s annual beach camping trip, my husband and I were able to go for 2 nights so on Saturday we drove the 2.5 hours to the beach and were excited for the trip as it was also going to be the first beach trip for the baby. This annual trip includes a slew of family friends who also purposely books sites at the same time so everyone can meet there and hang out for a couple days, many hadn’t met the baby yet. The second we get there it’s the typical “give me my baby” and “no need to cry now you’re with your grandma” crap. A family friend had happened to walk by their site and saw that we had arrived and stopped to say hello. I offered to let him hold the baby as he hadn’t met her yet, and he was like “no no no it’s okay” eventually I was like here and didn’t give him a choice as he loves kids. I thought it was a little strange he didn’t want to take the baby at first as I know some people just feel weird about holding other’s children, but I really didn’t think that much about it. Dinner was happening at my in-laws site that night, so all of the family friends were coming over. I was holding my baby showing her the trees and other things at the site when my MIL literally came up to us, not saying a word, and tried to grab the baby from me. Literally pulling her out of my arms like we were playing the of war. She wanted to introduce her to people when they arrived. My husband wasn’t there to witness but when he finished helping his father cook I told him what happened and he took the baby back and handed her back to me as she’s my child and I can introduce her to people. He said that was unacceptable behavior. When another family friend arrived I was almost lectured about how important “grandparent time” is with children and that the protectiveness you feel over your children fades with each child. This was someone I had never met before and was a little taken aback, but I brushed it off. It made me think that my MIL was saying things behind my back making it seem like I don’t let her see the baby and that I’m protective. Later, I told my husband about what was said to me and he agreed. He asked me how he should handle it, and I said it’s okay and that he shouldn’t mention it on the trip. I turned in early that night with the baby. It ended up taking 2 hours to get the baby to sleep because of the noise coming from the get together outside (if you’ve ever slept in a camper you know there is no sound barrier). At about 11pm people started leaving and it was getting quieter, but my in-laws and husband had to get ready for bed. In the camper there aren’t rooms it’s just a curtain in between the bed the baby and I were in and the living space so she was starting to stir a little bit with people using the bathroom and preparing for bed. But I was able to keep her sleeping by rocking her. After fighting with her for 2 hours I was really worried about her fully waking up and having to fight for another 2 hours. I didn’t sleep well, and the baby was up at 5:30 to eat. She snoozed for another 45 minutes during the feed but started to really wake up around 6:30 doing her typical morning babbles of excitement. Immediately, my MIL is behind the curtain saying she will take the baby from me so I can get more rest. I’m like “she’s fine for now, I need to change her diaper and probably feed her again, just give me a little bit.” She began poking her head behind the curtain (3 times to be exact), and I’m literally laying there in my underwear with a breast out feeding the baby. I was really annoyed and uncomfortable because I’m literally NAKED and it’s not even 7am yet. Eventually, I passed her the baby and I quickly got dressed to go sit outside with them as I don’t trust her alone with her since she has repeatedly disobeyed my rule about not kissing. She did not want to pass the baby back to me for over an hour even with the baby getting frustrated from time to time with how she was holding her. Since the baby was so off her schedule and in a new and exciting place I couldn’t tell if she needed more food (she’s a snacky eater and it was really hot so I wanted to make sure she was staying hydrated) or a nap again. She kept saying how good the baby was previous night, even though she was not there for the two hour fight to get her to sleep and the middle of the night feeds to keep her asleep, which annoyed me as well. When my husband was up we had breakfast and I said I was going to take the baby on a wake on the beach, I kind of just wanted to be away from everyone and spend time with my child.

When I got back after about 45 minutes, yet again my MIL was not speaking to anyone or looking at us in the eyes. I guess while I was gone my husband mentioned that I was lectured by one of her friends about grandparent time and how I am overprotective, and that she needs to ask to take the baby not just rip her out of my arms. This opened up a can of worms apparently. My MIL said she never said anything behind my back besides the fact I “don’t want people holding my baby.” Which she got from me not passing her around a few weeks ago when they had been in contact with all of the out of state relatives when they were sick. So it makes sense why no one was asking to hold her while camping because she briefed them, even though it was wildly over exaggerated. I don’t mind people holding her and interacting with her, as long as they aren’t sick. She also said that we never invite her over to see the baby and that it had been 3 weeks since she saw her (they were sick for 2 weeks and they traveled for a weekend and we were also traveling for a week during those 3 weeks she’s referencing). She said that she “cried in bed for 8 hours straight” when we didn’t “let” her come to the hospital to meet the baby. My parenting is “unnatural” because I don’t want people holding the baby, again not true. She also said that she can’t have her “moment” because we don’t want her posting pictures of our child online. My husband argued with her because he’s very no bull****. Ultimately telling her that it’s not about her and that this isn’t her child. He also said if she feels like the only way to have her grandma moment is by posting the baby online she’s going to continue to be unhappy. So the rest of the day she didn’t speak to me and we decided to not stay another night.

Overall, I’m just tired of it. It’s exhausting trying to deal with someone who only cares about themself. And I feel horrible for my husband who is constantly policing it. I feel like a lot of the weight is on his shoulders as she never mentions anything to my face leaving discussions to only them. He said he’s sorry and embarrassed by her behavior towards me. I’m just at the point where I don’t want this energy around my child. I hate that she has made my postpartum journey about her and not considered my feelings. I’m a new mom where my only intent is to keep my child safe. I’m not not allowing you to kiss my child as a form of control. The fact that she has broken my trust and tried to sneak the baby into other rooms to kiss her has completely made me anxious every time I have to see her. I feel like I can’t trust someone who I whole heartedly thought would be supportive of me (as we had no issues ever before I had a baby). It bothers me she’s grossly exaggerating things to other people to make me look bad. I also think it’s sad that she feels like she can’t have her moment as a grandmother because she isn’t getting the approval/attention online. I also find it disrespectful that she tries to bypass me by always getting my husband alone to talk about our parenting decisions, probably hoping to sway him to her side. I feel like my joy and journey greatly shifted because of the lack of respect towards our boundaries for our child. I feel so uncomfortable around her and didn’t have anxiety about the baby being around people until my trust was broken by someone who I thought would be there for me. The only one ruining her grandparent moment is herself.

Any advice/thoughts or similar experiences?