i feel terribly disgusting for this but its bothering me a lot.
a while ago i broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend because i found upsetting pictures on his phone ( nudes and screenshots of random girls ) and recorded the proof and sent it to my friends. i have since not looked back at the evidence but my mind has been fixated on these specific nudes of this one girl and i started thinking about them when i would masturbate. her and him have a history so i became massively infuated with the photos and with her as a result. it would hurt me til i felt sick but i kept doing it and i have no clue why.
anyway i recently went back to the video i took of those photos to look at and masturbated. i used to feel guilty when i merely thought about them while masturbating but i just felt strangely relieved this time. so i’m pretty sure i did it to subconsciously try to gain control back, or perhaps its because i had a past with porn addiction, or both, but rn i can’t help but feel disgusted and confused with myself for this, like i’m less of a woman. i just feel like an immoral pervert. usually a woman would cut a guy off for this and move on but it’s been months and it still somehow turns me on and disgusts me at the same time, i’m having the worst cognitive dissonance
writing this because i can’t find anyone online who has experienced/experiences the same thing(i’ve always coped with jealousy and cheating in this way) and i feel super alone on this especially as a woman