Live edits :
Update – 7:30 pm – my older kid (10, with autism, adhd, and cerebral palsy) is having his first bedtime tantrum in many many months. In fact I think the last time they threw a strip this bad was the last time she stayed at the house.
Big freaking surprise.
Update 1:45 – hubby took her to an event with both our sons. It’s a four hour thing, and I’ll likely walk over and grab our older son in about an hour and a half, since it’s not his event.
Originally thought it was a one day and done deal, but turns out it’s both today AND tomorrow. I’m chuffed because now I get to leave the house with full reason and just hide away for the day!
I was dreading tomorrow since I couldn’t just hide while hubbys childhood friend and wife were here, and I was going to be forced to have to play happy family (since unlike her, I keep my shit to myself – whereas I know her and BiLs family have spread shit).
12:40 I went straight into a shower about five minutes after they arrived. Took my time. It was a nice LONGGG shower. Finally got dressed and came downstairs about forty minutes later?
She tried not to make eye contact but eventually said hello as did I. Then I went straight to hubby and informed him I have to edit photos (which I do, but they could have waited).
Hubby is now prepping for friends to come for lunch tomorrow, and I am totally hands off. I told him I would not be helping when he invited her.
He needs to hurry because one of our kids has an event this afternoon that he agreed to attend. To which he will most def be bringing his mother to.
So yup.
Original post :
Yes I know this is a husband issue as well. But we only see her 2-4 times a year and I otherwise don’t interact with her at all.
So OldStNope, my public piety performance MIL just arrived (literally as I was typing the title..). In April we found out she gave away the gifts I gave her that were for her to give our kids. Post is in my history if you want to look. Basically she’s on a fixed income and I had softened towards her after fil passed away. Last fall, I gave her two coding robots and two boxes of mag tiles – one of each to be split between our kids and bil’s kids. Basically 300$ of gifts for each set of grandkids. I have the extras for bil’s kids because I hate inequity and knew it wouldn’t be fair if she gave a huge gift to our kids and not theirs. Was supposed to be for Xmas.
It never happened. Kids got small gifts instead and she told hubby she was uncomfortable giving it to the kids since it came from me (except she happily accepted it months before).
Come April, she gave older son a bday gift. Again, NOT THE GIFTS I GAVE HER.
Very next day? Yup she gave the gifts to the bil’s kids! THE VERY NEXT DAY!!!
Find out she gave the other half of the gifts to strangers to us (her pastors kids).
A few weeks ago she emailed an apology. Blamed the whole “mixup” on her meds.
Except she has always favored the other grandkids in everything. So even if she’s muddled due to meds, it just shows her innate favoritism coming out even when she cannot think. Literally her first reaction is to give to them. Even once told me years ago that if they moved away, she’d had to move with them to be “close to her grandbabies”. But that means even further from our kids. Ok. Noted. Bias confirmed.
Hubby though accepted her apology email. And has now invited her over for two nights.
And I’m sitting here in my dark bedroom, still haven’t said hello or greeted them, and am going to be playing the “avoid mil at all costs” game because 1- my anxiety is through the roof. I even took an edible gummy which I never do. And 2- because I’m honestly afraid I’m going to lose my shit and she will be able to play the victim to all her family and friends.
Fucked if I do. Fucked if I don’t.
Calgon take me away.
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Other posts from /u/CadenceQuandry:
DH furious Mil once again shows favoritism to the other grandkids. My kids once again get the dregs., 3 months ago
Just a BEC moment with OldStNope, 5 months ago
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Honestly? I’d do the same, stay in my room, keep my distance, and let my husband deal with his mom. No point giving her ammo to play victim. Sometimes the best move is just strategic silence.
Sounds like you plan to let your husband entertain/cook for her. Good idea.
Hopefully that gummy will smooth out your frazzled nerves a bit. Maybe just have some good snacks like carbs and orange juice on hand. Sometimes they’re stronger than a person expects. Hoping this hellish MIL visit goes quickly and not too painfully for you. Remember to breathe.
Say hello, go out for as long as you can and then stay in your room. Tell Denise husband you were giving them time together. Gentle hug from this older lady
What I find absolutely incredible is that MIL gave away the gifts, you and husband paid for, that were supposed to be given to your children, to other children – and your husband still wants MIL to visit and be with your children. It would be NC for me with MIL for doing this. Tell your husband he is an absolute failure as a father and husband.
Can you go away for the two nights with your children. Sorry but your DH doesn’t get to forgive and invite MIL over alone. This is not a good look in a DH
I am on some pretty heavy duty meds, including morphine. I recognise that I sometimes get muddled so I have various things set up so I don’t make any mistakes. If she can clarify that her meds make her a bit ditzy but isn’t doing anything to mitigate that, then she is simply using it as an excuse, because you can’t 100% prove it either way. I have notifications on my phone, whiteboards in every room, plus sticky notes and notebooks.
Like your MIL I am also on a fixed income of disability benefits. I buy gifts at whatever time of year I have more surplus – e.g during the summer my electric bill is lower so I make a start on Christmas presents. I also have a set amount that I spend on each person per year. No one expects a lot from me because they know my situation. It really does sound like your MIL is using whatever excuse she can come up with for the disparity and favouritism of the other grandchildren.
Good luck for the next few days, hope you manage to get through it with your sanity mostly intact.
Yeah, you and the kids have plans for the weekend so go out and do them leaving your husband with his mother so “they can catch up”.
I am confused though, by why would you send gifts to your mother who would then have to transport them back to your house to give to your kids. It would make more sense to wrap them, hide them, and then when she showed up, bring them out for “her” to give them to your kids. Or explain that grandma had them shipped directly to your house so they wouldn’t get lost in her travels.
Good for you for acknowledging that your husband isn’t her chosen child. Has he always been the scapegoat? The scapegoat’s children will always become the scapegoat grandchildren.
I would have told my husband he is welcome to accept her apology but that doesn’t mean I will. Also, if he wants her to stay the night, he needs to pay for you and your kids to stay somewhere else. Your peace is more important than her.
She owes you $150 for the gifts she gave to her pastors kids. No excuses. Funny how she remembered the gift for your BIL’,s kids though, I’d bill her for those too.
Reads like a shiny spined success story to me. DH invited her, DH wrangles her while you don’t. Enjoy your photo editing! Perhaps she’ll get the discomfort vibe and cut her intrusion into your home short by leaving after lunch tomorrow.
(I commented earlier but it double-posted and then deleted).
This is petty. Maybe a little diabolical.
OP, if you are also friends with the friends, text them privately and invite them to meet at your house as planned but go out to eat instead. Get a reservation for just you, the LOs, and friends. When they show up, you take the LOs and head out. “Bye, DH and MIL! Enjoy your alone time. We’ll be back later.”
When they ask what about them, “Oh, MIL, you are DH’s guest, and we already had plans for today. Byee!”
Maybe DH will learn he should have asked you before he invited MIL, and MIL will not get to sit there holding court and soaking up attention from DH and [friends] while you are on the sidelines miserable and stewing and wasting your weekend.
Go enjoy and relax. Let the LO’s have fun instead of being stuck at home with their cousin’s grandma.
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OldStEffOffYesterday STOLE from you and your kids to play the hero with other kids. Like, omfg how could your hubby not enforce consequences for this? She is Hot Garbage 🗑 I’m so sorry an evil worm has entered your home with your hubby’s permission.
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Favoritism in families is poison. Kids pick up on it even if you try to shield them.
The edible and long shower sound like self-care moves, not avoidance. Don’t guilt yourself for that.
The edible and long shower sound like self-care moves, not avoidance. Don’t guilt yourself for that.
She gave away $600 worth of gifts you thoughtfully picked out? That’s not muddled, that’s malicious.
“Calgon take me away” made me laugh but also, I get it. Sometimes humor is the only shield left.
You’re not wrong for worrying she’ll play the victim. That’s the classic manipulator playbook.
At least you’re self-aware enough to step back instead of exploding. That’s strength, not weakness.
So MIL basically rebranded herself as “Santa for everyone except your kids.”
So MIL basically rebranded herself as “Santa for everyone except your kids.”
I remember your thread about the Xmas presents. I’m sorry you have to live with this. Sending good thoughts that the time goes quickly