On paper I’m doing fine, but I threatened a crackhead today

this past year has been really rough and i’ve been having moments of pure anger or rage.
include the abortion thing, the ex thing, the grinding, the work, the need to be exceptional.

it started small with me talking back to people who were rude to my coworkers. it felt good because i rationalized it as standing up for others.

looked tough too.

but recently a crackhead came to my job and was talking crazy and unhinged. i took offense because people know when they’re talking crazy. they know they’re making people uncomfortable.

but this guy was different. my gut told me he was potentially dangerous.
he was reenacting a suicide scene from Full Metal Jacket and made a fake gun with his fingers, pointed it at me, and said “BOOM.”

I felt disrespected

so i put my finger to his face and said “hold on.”
i went to the back, got my gun out of my bookbag, and tucked it in my waistband. came back out and continued the interaction.

but sitting there, i felt the tables turn.
i felt suddenly, righteously angry.

his lips were moving but i was spaced out staring into his eyes with a fake smile. im thinking this guy is a fool, he goes around and inflicts himself on others, by engaging with him in a polite manner he’s subverting my kindness and making me out to be an idiot,

he thinks im scared of him.

he asked me something. I’m not gonna repeat it, but it was demeaning to women and it made me irrationally angry.
so i said, stone cold:
“i’ll bounce your head off the fucking concrete.”

and stared into his eyes repeating “ill kill you” in my mind like i was trying to telepathically communicate it to him.

he looked surprised, proving he knew what he was doing.
he looked angry for a second, then stood up and said he was going to call the police on me.

i stood up too and got right in his face and said:
“my whole family’s on the police force. they don’t give a fuck what i do to you.”

he looked angry and scared but backed down and left while mumbling something.
i put my gun away since i don’t have a concealed carry license and thats illegal, besides he never even knew I had it.

i’ve kinda felt weird since.
even though i truly believe i was justified, i can’t help but feel like me ending up in prison is a foregone conclusion.

they say they’ll SA you in there but id literally just fight till the death. i want to be succesful but i truly would throw it away over the smallest thing to prove a point.

i think its called death drive.

idk im pretty normal outside of this, like i feel totally in control mentally and am quite succesful, i have a lot to be proud of.

but im just not, i dont really care that much. its like on paper its all there. and id never feel sorry for myself. i just am really angry inside and i hate that, but id never let it ruin me and I think that makes me even more angry.

all my problems are kinda common sense solutions. people like me, but im just so apathetic towards it all. like yea let me live the perfect life, the average life, be a fuck up (not really), whatever.

i think the truth is im not that deep

and i threatened a crackhead today

and it wasn’t that deep.

it’s just a thing that happened.

any good books on feeling purpose?