So I’m very confused right now. I love my husband and he is a great father, provider, and partner. I also love my best friend. We are both 24F and have been friends since kindergarten. She has always called me on my bullshit and I’ve do done the same for her.
For about 3 years I was a SAHM and husband made sure all of our bills were paid. Recently like 6 months ago I decided to get back to work. I did this for my own mental health. I just felt it was time to get back in the work force. I work part time in the evening after husband gets home. About 25 hours a week.
My first couple paychecks come in and I asked husband if I could help pay some bills this month. He downright refused. He told me just use my little bit of money (about 400 a week) for taking the kids out for fun activities during the day and pay for my own pampering. (I have always got spray tans, salon appointments, and nails pretty regularly). That sounded fine to me and thanked him even though he reassured me he loves providing for his family. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about changing the cleaning schedule or anything. In my head if he still pays all the bills then I should still do a majority or the chores and not add onto his plate. (He does some cleaning but with me being a SAHM yes for a long time I’ve done most of it).
I never really explain our finances to my best friend. We talk about mom stuff or friend stuff. Well somehow last week it came up and she asked how I liked paying bills for the first time in awhile. I told her our arrangement and that I’m responsible for my pampering and paying for fun activities days with the kids. She was pretty shocked about this and told me I’m playing into the toxic misogyny and that husband just wants it to be harder for me to get out on the real world without him. I told her I disagree and if he was trying to keep me in one place he wouldn’t give me such opportunities to save my own money.
What does Reddit think? Am I making a mistake by not pitching in for bills? Is this what toxic misogyny is? Is my best friend reading too deep into this? Thank you in advance for any opinions!
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Backup of the post’s body: So I’m very confused right now. I love my husband and he is a great father, provider, and partner. I also love my best friend. We are both 24F and have been friends since kindergarten. She has always called me on my bullshit and I’ve do done the same for her.
For about 3 years I was a SAHM and husband made sure all of our bills were paid. Recently like 6 months ago I decided to get back to work. I did this for my own mental health. I just felt it was time to get back in the work force. I work part time in the evening after husband gets home. About 25 hours a week.
My first couple paychecks come in and I asked husband if I could help pay some bills this month. He downright refused. He told me just use my little bit of money (about 400 a week) for taking the kids out for fun activities during the day and pay for my own pampering. (I have always got spray tans, salon appointments, and nails pretty regularly). That sounded fine to me and thanked him even though he reassured me he loves providing for his family. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about changing the cleaning schedule or anything. In my head if he still pays all the bills then I should still do a majority or the chores and not add onto his plate. (He does some cleaning but with me being a SAHM yes for a long time I’ve done most of it).
I never really explain our finances to my best friend. We talk about mom stuff or friend stuff. Well somehow last week it came up and she asked how I liked paying bills for the first time in awhile. I told her our arrangement and that I’m responsible for my pampering and paying for fun activities days with the kids. She was pretty shocked about this and told me I’m playing into the toxic misogyny and that husband just wants it to be harder for me to get out on the real world without him. I told her I disagree and if he was trying to keep me in one place he wouldn’t give me such opportunities to save my own money.
What does Reddit think? Am I making a mistake by not pitching in for bills? Is this what toxic misogyny is? Is my best friend reading too deep into this? Thank you in advance for any opinions!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
That’s not misogyny, that’s security. Your bestie’s just bitter.
Smells like a hater to me. Tell your friend you appreciate the concern but your marriage/finances aren’t up for discussion. Ever.
You could just save a lot of your income and build a tidy nest egg, which would make your life infinitely easier if you ever needed to get out. Your friend isn’t very smart in general, is she?
Quick question, what does your friend do for a living?
She’s just jealous.
Nothing is toxic about this. If you are able to save some money it’s actually the opposite. Plus he seems sweet. My husband feels the same. I adore that that’s what he wants and makes him happy too for the extra income. Also, pampering appointments coming from your check helps the overall household bills be lighter. No idea what she is on about. The fact that things are running so smoothly for you? Great bestie…🙄
She’s overreacting. Maybe clarify that your money doesn’t HAVE to be spent on those things, like you can still save money if you want. Those are just options your husband has said he would rather you spend the money you are making on vs household bills.
Just be prepared that she might not accept. I may be way off here, but there could be some jealousy on your friend’s behalf.
First, “toxic misogyny” implies there’s such a thing as nontoxic misogyny so already your friend doesn’t know what she’s saying. Second, anything for the kids is a bill even if it’s fun stuff that you also enjoy as a family. Third, unless your husband is taking your paychecks and depositing them into accounts you can’t access, then he isn’t making anything hard for you.
Your friend is misinterpreting a bunch of TikToks.
I smell jealousy… keep doing you and if she gets worse then that’s not a friend
Other woman HATE when you are able to stay home and not work. And they hate when you work but only have to pay for your pampering. Basically other woman hate what they don’t have and are afraid to admit they want.
Big time jealously and hater energy. Your husband is treating you with love and respect and providing you with security and she can’t stand it. Congrats to you on your awesome life and future!
Unless you were actively planning on leaving him, her argument that he’s making it harder for you to leave is ABSURD. And unless he’s telling you that your place is to be a SAHM, then he isn’t enforcing toxic masculinity. There is nothing toxic about a man being the breadwinner just because it’s been historically normal, it only becomes toxic when he forces you as a couple to fit certain roles.
Your friend is being pretty ridiculous. If he wanted to control you and force you into a traditional role, would he have “let” you get a job in the first place? It sounds like financially you didn’t need the job, so him backing you up on your decision to get back to work for your mental health seems the opposite of controlling.
And your financial contribution doesn’t become null and void just because you aren’t specifically using it for bills. You are contributing to making your kids happy without taking as much of a financial hit, and that’s worth plenty. You can save, and in the event you guys have an unexpectedly large emergency expense, you’ve contributed to the savings that will help immensely.
If having a job is helping your mental health, not hurting your ability to spend time with your family and keep up on household chores and whatnot, then what’s the problem? Where is the toxicity she mentioned coming from? It sounds like you have a good balance with your husband in terms of employment, finances, and childcare. It doesn’t matter which specific expenses you contribute to as long as you are contributing to the overall well being of yourself and your family.
Your life didn’t suddenly become The Handmaid’s Tale because you got your kids lunch instead of paying the water bill.
If your arrangement works for you, then it’s fine.
Having said that, with two grown kids and 26 years of happy marriage, SAVE YOUR MONEY. Sure spend on your kids and yourself but squirrel as much as you can away until you have Fuck Off Money. Enough money that you can fuck off into the sunset at a moments notice. How much is that? At a minimum first/last+one month rent and living expenses for you and the kids. You cannot imagine the peace of mind you will gain in negotiating the trials of marriage when you have that tucked away.
NTA. You just use your money for the fun stuff for the family. Basically his income can be for bills and stats quo. Your money can be more of the fun money. You can also save some for yourself obviously but you can put money towards family vacations where you husband come together look at costs and your money can be put towards upgrading accommodations and restaurants. That might be something he would agree too and you can feel like your actually pulling your weight to help with bills by putting money in for plane tickets and the hotel.
You friend doesn’t sound like a friend at all, she sounds like a tiktok-addled moron.
As a feminist I have never used the term “being too woke” but like… come on.
the world isn’t black and white a lot of family’s have different dynamics. Your bestie might be watching too much TV.
If you’re working then your husband is doing nothing to keep you broke and at home. You’ve got your own money.
Your friend is a moron.
Reddit thinks your “bestie” is jelly.
My husband pays all of our bills + maintains vehicles / yard / animals / bathrooms / dishes.
My salary is for the kids, socializing, community service, etc I do all other household chores.
Same boat as you and I 500% appreciate that my husband enjoys providing for us. I feel very fortunate. In 18 yrs, he has never missed a day of bringing fresh coffee to my bedside.
Our family is not “toxic” — we are partners. ❤️
Your friend is just jealous. I however would add a few more chores to his list as you are now working all day as a mum AND doing 25 hours of paid work plus coming home to do more cleaning.
Doesn’t have to be a lot just maybe your most hated chore or something that would be physically easier done by him if he’s stronger than you etc
For me I make changing the bedding the man’s job when I have one cause I’m short and have weak arms and getting a king sized quilt into a cover is MY MOST HATED JOB OF ALL TIME.
I think your friend doesn’t think highly of your husband, OP.
This isn’t misogyny. It’s your family decision on how to handle finances. People throw words like misogyny into way too many things.
You’ve got an arrangement that suits both you and your mate. It’s nobody else’s business.
I feel like everyone has missed the point that OP is still doing all the housework, exactly like she did when she was ‘only’ a housewife.
OP’s reasoning is that because her husband “pays the bills” she does all the housework. If OP loves doing housework and would choose to do extra with her free time if she could, then this is fine. Otherwise, the housework should now be split between OP and husband because both of them are working.
I imagine that it is this aspect that has led the friend to call the situation toxic. If a husband and wife both work, but only the wife does all the housework with no help from her husband, that appears unfair and abusive.
That fact that OP spends her money on fun things for the family makes no difference to how housework should be shared out.
Nope nothing wrong with that at all
Your friend is an idiot and sounds like a typical Redditor
You have it good and she’s sore about it, you’re not playing into anything.
It sounds like you have a functional marriage where you have equal voice in how finances are spent. I’m unsure how that’s toxic or misogynistic.
Single women keep women single.
Your friend is JEALOUS! You have a good man and she doesn’t. Plus her little quip about “paying bills for the first time in awhile.” WTF? That’s her being petty and jealous and not calling you on your bullshit at all.
If your husband wanted to trap you, he wouldn’t want you working at all.
Your friend is jealous that you guys are happy in your marriage. Your hubby is a keeper nta
Your friend doesn’t understand that words have meanings, and is using inflammatory language to be a hater.
Your husband isn’t financially abusing you. He’s not keeping you from working. He’s not taking your paychecks to control how and what you spend.
You’re in a situation that would be considered pretty ideal for a lot of folks. You can work and keep your money to save up for a rainy day, or, you could throw your money up a wild bull’s ass if you wanted to. It’s YOUR money.
Your friend is a hater and if you decide to keep her around, put her on an information diet. She’s going to keep picking at this if you don’t nip it in the bud now.
She asked you sarcastically how do you like paying bills 😏 and when yiu explained it she got jealous!
She is green with envy! Don’t fall for her bs and I bet you she brings it up again! What works in your marriage is no one’s business!
This isn’t misogyny. This isn’t anti-feminism because you are choosing to do what you want to do with your time. This is teamwork and this is having a partner. Don’t discuss finances with this friend (who isn’t being a friend, they are being judgey)
Your money may be earmarked for certain things, but it’s still pooled into the family finances. It’s still a contribution.
I think your friend isn’t very nice and doesn’t really know what she’s talking about.
I don’t understand. Your husband sounds like a real gentleman. He is letting you save your money, and that would actually help you if you were to leave. She’s a hater.
I dont think “toxic misogyny” means what your friend thinks it means.
You are free to use your $ as you like that’s super awesome ! Put some aside for yourself in a secure place to save for something.
Be joyful your SO is not controlling, and it seems you have great communication and equality when you offered to help now that you have some income.
Your friend seems way off on this maybe she doesn’t understand what she is talking about
Sounds like your friend is possibly jealous.
i fully agree that your husband is making it easier for you to leave if you ever feel that it’s necessary.
you’re re-establishing yourself in the work force, and you have access to and control over your entire paycheck. those are two things a man who wants to make a woman dependent on him would never do.
i’m a SAHM myself, and the tradlifers and conservative extremists are so vile and misogynistic that people assume that any relationship with a SAHM/working dad dynamic is toxic, and that’s not the case. your friend is wrong, but it could be a misconception and not jealousy.
this is your best friend, she obviously cares about you and jumped the gun a bit. i think the two of you need to talk about this more, but she needs to really listen to what you’re saying and be open to changing her mind. i don’t really see a healthy way forward without that.
good luck!
Ignore the friend.
As long as you’re happy, who cares what anyone else thinks??
This is the opposite of toxic, this is how healthy people and relationships go, because you communicated. You wanted to pitch in where you could now, he said you know what, bill aren’t an issue for me, why don’t you do fun things with our kids so they have a well rounded life, and take care of yourself. This is ideal 👌
Your friend is wrong about this and your split of finances and how you allocate them is normal for a lot of families.
I will strongly advise you though to have a safety net fund. You may trust your husband but you never really know if things may go south. You need to have money allocated aside in case things go badly. I didn’t and I’m paying dearly for that mistake. Being a SAHM is a HUGE risk for the woman and there are ZERO protections for you in family court if he decides to fuck you over.
She’s reading too deep into this, sounds like she’s looking for a negative angle. You and hubby agreed to this, theirs nothing there to show he’s trying to pull anything on you here. If you feel a little bad about what she said, make a savings account and put a little in it each pay check
Couples choose how to organize their bills in different ways.
I would not call anything you’re doing misogyny.
As a middle-aged, former SAHM, here are some of my views about maintaining an egalitarian split when one parent sacrifices career levels and earning status to become a caregiver.
When one parent sacrifices earnings and career time to be a caregiver, they are making an equal contribution to the household. Thus, all funds belong to the family unit as a whole. It’s not his money because he earns it. You shouldn’t have to “ask” how to spend it. You should both decide together how the family money should be allocated. You are contributing to his career, because he doesn’t have to take sick days or pay childcare. If you have separate finances, then the earning partner should be paying the caregiving partner a salary for caring for the kids/household.
Caring for young children is a full time job in and of itself, equal to the job the working outside the home parent is doing, and just as important to the well-being of the family. Household chores shouldn’t be split based on who is bringing home the most money. The SAH parent may do more of the chores as they’re home and able to do them around the children, but both parents are still responsible for household chores and child caregiving duties when they’re home. This doesn’t mean it will be 50/50, and there are a lot of ways to come to a distribution both parties are happy with. Continuing to do all the chores just because you don’t make as much money is not really an equitable split. You have the same amount of chores, but 25 hours less in the week to do them.
Things spent on the family or the kids is not personal spending. Ideally, both partners should have the same budgeted amount for personal spending. It can fluctuate a bit, like if you both agree one partner should get a bigger thing one month and the other the next. You should both know what the budget is and how things are allocated. You should both have an equal say in how the household, savings, and personal spending is allocated. Again, ALL the money you both make is BOTH of yours. Your contribution is not worth less than your husband’s, because you are contributing caregiving labor. By you also working outside the home part time, the overall funds increase, so there is likely more money for personal spending. But your husband should not be “giving” you the money or “allowing” you to keep the money you earn. The language you use matters.
Both partners should have access to all the accounts, know all the passwords, etc. All finances should be entirely transparent. You should be planning retirement funds for BOTH of you. We chose to fully fund my husband’s 401 K and put more in it because his company matches, with the understanding that that was BOTH of our retirement fund. In my state, I would be entitled to half that retirement account if we split, and I was the beneficiary if anything happened to him. Check your own local laws and consider setting up your own retirement account.
Just some things to think about.
Don’t think she’s right on this. You not having to ask him for money gives you more freedom.
Only thing I disagree with is that you should do more because you’re not contributing to bills. If it’s his choice to have it that way it’s not unreasonable for him to contribute more now that you’re no longer a SAHM full time. However if it’s not too much of a burden for you, and you’re happy, there’s no reason to change things.
Your friend is just jelly
Because you went back to work but are still doing the majority of the work at home?
I don’t understand this otherwise.
No, yr friend is wrong. Yr husband is giving you freedom to keep your money & create a savings for yourself. If anything it gives you more long term security having some cash to stash.
Also, don’t forgot that while your husband works & pays bills, house labor is still labor. All the cleaning & things you reference doing around the house are actually very valuable, Highly skilled. Just bc those moments aren’t paidnlabor doesn’t make it any less valuable or important
Your family’s finances are none of your friend’s business. She’s full of shit that probably actually stems from jealous.
Thats ridiculous. You not paying bills actually gives you the chance to save, which I would recommend you do a bit just so you have some emergency money (not even in case of you splitting up, it’s just a good idea that everyone has a rainy day fund).
Also, if this is working for you and your partner, then that’s awesome and is all that matters. Your friend is welcome to her opinion, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree, or even hear about it.
Tell her she’s reinforcing toxic misandry and to get real quick if she wants to maintain her friendship with you.
Do you know how much the bills are? Do you know how much money he makes? Do you know how much is your family checking account? Do you know how much you’ve saved for retirement? If you don’t know this is toxic, if you do it’s not.
Sounds like your bestie is not only unmarried but single. Ignore her
Someone’s jealous. If he was financially abusing you she’d have a point but this is kind of the opposite of that.
I think if both you and your husband are comfortable with this arrangement, your friend’s opinion on it doesn’t really matter.
You are CHOOSING to agree to these terms, right? You’re not being forced? Isn’t that feminism? The right to exercise CHOICE?!
Toxic misogyny is different than two people agreeing on how they want to make their life work. Toxic misogyny is when an abuser uses finances to trap and hurt their mate. Just because something sounds like it’s patriarchal doesn’t mean it’s toxic misogyny.
She sounds jealous.
My aunt and my uncle have this exact arrangement. He doesn’t have her pay any bills (unless they need a really big thing but he still won’t make her pay anything) and she paid for all of their passports and has been taking herself and their two kids on traveling all over the world growing up and any fun expenditures for the family and when my uncle can get off work, he joins too but they’ve been doing that arrangement for over 20 years and they’ve never had an issue. Both kids are grown now so she bounces between jobs when she’s bored.
Sounds like bestie is mad jealous (and so am I 🤣🤣)
Enjoy it!
Nah you are fine. Those fun activities for the kids is vital for their wellbeing. Keep doing you.
You should also be saving. In fact your husband should have been putting equal amounts into a retirement plan for you.
Blowing all your money on pampering will keep you stuck if you need to leave. It sounds like your friend is looking out for you.
How does it make it harder? If anything your arrangement would make it easier to stash some money away just for you. Your set up sounds like it works for both of you and you both feel like it’s balanced; your friend sounds like she might be a teensy bit jealous.
Ugh. Women like your friend have a messed up view of what feminism means.
Equality doesn’t mean that we have to completely eschew all things that were traditionally considered feminine. It means that no matter our gender and no matter our choices everybody is equal. It doesn’t matter if we’re working full time or being a full time homemaker, if we’re fixing cars or feeding babies, it’s not what we’re doing that defines our worth, it’s our intrinsic value as human beings. And this is true for everyone regardless of gender.
As long as you are living your life the way you choose to live it, rather than being forced into a role against your will, then there’s no misogyny.
Women didn’t give their lives for us to gain the right to our own autonomy only to hand it over to another set of people that want to decide what we can and can’t do, even if they are the same gender as us!
Please make sure you are saving some of your earnings in a separate account.
I think married couples can decide for themselves how money is spent.
My husband’s salary (passed away 2013) covered our bills 100% including regular savings.
My salary was banked 50% and the rest went towards vacations, the occasional splurge; new furniture or extras.
Your friend needs to be served a large glass of STFU , because it’s none of her business.
Your friend is jealous.
Your husband rocks.
My husband is a feminist and this is exactly what he would tell me to do with money I make. He would let me contribute if I wanted but he wants me to have my own money. I’ve always spent our money (when we were one income) however I wanted but now that I’m making some of my own he wants me to have anything I want for myself or the kids. Your friend is blowing this way out of proportion and mistaking your husband’s love and respect for you as misogyny. Tell her to go touch grass and leave her opinions to herself.
Ignore her. If you’re happy, don’t let a hater make you unhappy.
You could (and should) save some of your paycheck and put it into an emergency fund. This would actually allow you to have a safety net if you did find yourself in an abusive situation and needed to leave. I’m not saying your husband is like that but it’s something everyone should have.
Your friend sounds jealous and judgmental. Your family finances are not her business. As long as you and your husband are happy that’s all that matters.
Your hubby sounds adorable! Someone is showing her envy.
How on earth does “allowing” (I hate using that word in relation to adults, but here we are) you to keep your wages and him still paying for everything he was paying for anyway, make it harder for you to stand on your own 2 feet? You have over 1000 a month in basically fun money, that you can use on yourself or build into a sweet little nestegg for if you ever suddenly need it.
Sounds to me like she’s jealous of your set up and the fact that you actually seem to have a decent husband and partner. Either that, she’s found some cool new words on the Internet and is throwing them around without actually knowing what they mean, coz…
As long as you have $ saved each paycheck in an emergency fund separate from everything else, I’ve no criticism.
How is it any different if you took your paycheck and paid household bills, but then your husband gives you money for the kid activities and getting your own things? Honestly, working part time for the discretionary spending sounds like a good compromise. Win-win for everybody.
Not allowing you to work or not putting your name on property would be trying to keep you from getting out in the world. If your name is on the house and the car and you can work, you’re fine. If you’re at all worried, open your own savings account that only you access and save a little in there each month for an emergency.
Neither of us are “standard.” We do what works for us and don’t worry about how other happy couples do things. Your friend is either very misinformed or jealous. Ignore her.
Um…what? Your friend is not making any sense. You stated you always had spray tans, salon appts and your nails done. Where did she think that money came from? In the end it all comes out of the same place – the total income your household brings in. Your total income has increased since going back to work. Period. Gosh – who hurt her?
What matters is whether the arrangement works for you. She may not understand the arrangement or worry that you’re being taken advantage of. Often when the SAHP goes back to work there is a shuffle in household duties. Perhaps she feels you do too much or that your work outside of the home isn’t appreciated.
Besides that, paying for kids activities IS a bill. Those won’t pay themselves and we all want our littles to experience things we never did.
Whatever you pay for now (especially if your spending habits don’t change) will create a cushion somewhere. Unless your husband is locking you out of all the finances, your contribution has an impact on
If you’re both happy, then that’s all that matters. 25 hours still isn’t full time, so you have extra time to contribute to the household.
If she had some guy come up and start paying for everything she’d be fine with it too I’m sure
So, let me get this straight? You have a job and you get to use that money for whatever you want? All bills are paid, and there’s no pressure on you financially. This is misogyny how?
Like, if you made money, and he forced you to use it how he saw fit, then there would be a problem.
I think she’s a little jealous.
I don’t know what to say about the situation with your friend but you probably should consider contributing your salary to savings, a retirement account, and college funds for your kids. Life can change at any moment, you need to prepare for when your husband can’t provide or will need help in the future.
Whatever works for you 2 as a couple, is great. However, make sure either you or your husband, or both make you a 401K. If he dies or you 2 divorce, you are going to want money for retirement. I think it’s only misogyny if the man controls the woman and doesn’t let her work or demands that she turns over all of her paycheck to him.
Your friend has misogyny and feminism confused, first off. But regardless, how you and your husband manage your finances is not anyones business unless financial abuse is involved. Feminism gave women the CHOICE to be SAHMs or working women. And it sounds like your husband has left that choice 100% up to you. Your friend is just dead wrong.
Sounds like somebody is jealous that you get to work an amount you want to and spend the money on anytime you want! Lol
What’s toxic is your friend. I’m sorry, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your hubby, and she sounds like a man hater.
I was a SAHM for 8 years until his company closed, and he had to take a pay cut. If that hadn’t happened, I would not have gone back to work until both kids were in school.
Your friend is jealous and you should make this the last time you talk about finances with anyone outside of your spouse or a financial adviser. It’s no one’s business and everyone has something to say.
Your friend is full of shit. She’s just jealous
I’m a die hard toxic-masculinity crusader 🐻, and based upon what you’ve written, it sounds like your friend is projecting.
Your marriage sounds like it has solid communication and respectful goals. If he were controlling you, it would look different.
Granted, sometimes friends see things we miss, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.
OP, like some other people have mentioned.
Even though you’re content with the set up, you’re essentially teaching your children that even when both parents, a man and a woman, work and earn money, the housework is still a woman’s job.
Like, that’s obviously not your intent, but it’s what the kids are seeing and the message they’re going to be taking in.
Do what works for you. Why do you care what your friend thinks or even crazier, why care what reddit thinks? None of us are in the relationship bro
My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. I am a SAHM. I work part time during election season/special elections. My paycheck doesn’t pay bills. It’s just deposited into my personal checking account. We have joint accounts and personal accounts…….. We have an auto transfer amount of $500 that goes to my checking account every Thursday. I buy groceries and gas, plus wtv the kids need. I also pay their allowance from that money ($25×4).
It was $200/week for a long time. As our kids became teenagers who needed gas money, groceries got higher……. the weekly amount has increased. I usually transfer $100 to my personal savings……unless it’s Cmas time or something.
I’m a bleeding heart liberal. I have a business accounting degree. I did not set out to become a SAHM……. and my husband didn’t want me to feel trapped. So we set up our finances in a way that works FOR US. I’m very supportive of ANY partnership where both people have 100% transparency in financial decisions (even if one handles all the actual transactions). I’m the college educated accountant so I handle the mental load of budgeting and setting everything up on autopay, etc etc. My husband just wants to never have to think about money.
The only thing I’m suggesting is that you open up a personal checking account and savings account. 20% to personal savings and roll over your 401k contributions and 10% to retirement. Part of the reason I work part time during elections is because I can continue contributing to my retirement and social security quarters. Don’t freak out or anything! Just remember to think about YOU. There were lean years where I didn’t save as much as other years. Just save a little.
Sounds like you guys are winning at life and your friend is bitter
Don’t just spend you money, save and invest (for now, a mutual fund that focuses on dividend paying stocks which you will auto-reinvest). Over the years, you (as my wife) will wake up one day to earning $80K/year in dividends — at which point you are indeed free in the world (my wife now earns over $250K/year in dividends). We had a very similar deal. You tell me whether I’ve made it hard for my wife to get out in the real world without me.
If your husband isn’t beating you, sounds like she might be either jealous or too ideological. You’ll be fine, just save that money
She sounds jealous lol.
I think your friend is trying to create the problem where there isn’t one. What’s going on Is working for your family and you have a loving marriage and good children… your friend is not really being a good friend.. sometimes there is a big difference between somebody’s opinion and the truth. Shes giving HER opinion and its wrong
There are so many women that use that word and can’t even tell you what it means. Your friend is absolutely 100% that person.
She’s jealous. It’s the “toxic” part that’s getting me… when is misogyny ever nontoxic??
Save a little bit for the future, for yourself.
If anything, you’re in a safer, more financially independent position now that you’re working and not a SAHM. So I’m not sure that understand your friend’s point? Perhaps she’s envious that you have fun money? God knows, very weird!
Your friend doesn’t have a clue
It’s none of her business, and she sounds jealous.
It’s none of my business either, but I strongly encourage you to put a portion of each paycheck in your own savings account. It’s a good idea to get in the habit of saving and to have a rainy day fund.
Your friend is too precious. Sounds like to me you have enough gumption to take care of yourself and kids if your husband became intolerable. She’s just regurgitating boilerplate that doesn’t apply here. Just call her on her BS.
You’re right, and her logic sucks. You and your husband feel the division is fair, and of course you can revisit things when the kid(s) are more independent, but your dynamic isn’t unusual or misogynist.
It would be unusual and misogynist if he were expecting you to pay your share and also do the housework and childcare because you’re a woman, either explicitly or tacitly. That’s not the case here, that’s just how you do things. Feminists are supposed to want everyone to have autonomy and choice – well, both of you have autonomy and choice, and this is what you’ve chosen to do.
She needs to reexamine her values and what her actual issue is with you and with SAHMs. Telling SAHMs they’re feeding toxic patriarchy for being SAHMs is toxic patriarchy.
Your fried is no friend and id stop telling her anything personal
Your husband and your arrangement sounds pretty perfect-he clearly respects all that you do as a SAHM, which is unfortunately way too often not the case. Your friends sounds like she might be a little bit jealous, which is making her lean hard towards her feelings that you’re a victim of a misogynistic partner.
I think your friend is very wrong here.
How on earth would you paying bills make it EASIER for you to get out into the world if, say, the marriage soured and you wanted to leave? Your husband is telling you that your money is yours to do with as you please. It doesn’t sound like he’s asking for an accounting to make sure you’re spending ALL of it on pampering yourself and doing fun things with the kids.
If he actually wanted to keep you under his thumb, he’d be making you pay bills AND pay for your own things AND pay for activities with the kids. He’d ensure that you don’t have any money to save. What he’s doing seems like the opposite of misogyny.
One of my best friends has a pretty traditional marriage. The husband makes the money, she homeschools their son, does all the cooking, most of the domestic things. He works his ass off because he has FAR greater earning potential than her. She grew up in a traditional family, so domestic things are what she knows and where her strengths lie. She works a little, but nothing compared to her husband. They AGREED to this dynamic. I would never want it for my own self, but it’s what works for them. The money he earns is THEIR money, in joint accounts, and they make spending decisions together. People could say this is misogynistic, but they literally mutually have decided this is what their ideal setup is.
I think your friend is jealous, to be honest.
Sounds like you have a loving marriage with equality in full force! Your “friend” is underestimating your contributions! The fact he told you to use money you earned outside your home for yourself and the kids is so sweet! You guys obviously have a beautiful partnership and your “friends” words make me think she’s jealous of your marriage…
You have a loving and supportive husband.
You have a jealous and bitter friend.
I think your best friend is being ridiculous. She might be your best friend, but is she if she’s speaking poorly of the situation you and your husband decided on?
There is zero wrong with having traditional roles, as long as everyone is on board. If you’re happy, he is happy, and your marriage is good – other ppls opinions don’t matter.
Traditional roles are not for everyone, and that’s fine too. If he was toxic, he wouldn’t let you work or have your own income. I’ve seen toxic trad roles, yours – from all you’ve stated – doesn’t sound like that all.
There’s nothing wrong with the way you have things set up, especially if it works for you. That being said, I think you should make sure your names are equally on all the bills though so if something were to ever happen to your husband, or your marriage, you would have credit that’s being established in your name as well. That’s one of the biggest issues for stay at home mom’s if they ever have to go back full-time in the workforce.
And quite frankly, it’s none of your friends business.
If your husband was hellbent on making it harder for you to “get out into the real world without him” like your friend said, why is he ok with you taking any job, full or part time, to begin with?
Lol he would actively be AGAINST you making your own money
You not paying bills is fine. That’s y’all’s agreement. Just put your money aside for when you need it.
Not using your credit in a marriage can and will damage your credit score (ask em how I know). So keep your car in your name or something to keep your credit current.
Him not helping with chores I don’t agree with. Even if he is paying the household bills you are still working and he can absolutely help with some chores while you are working. Chores aren’t a you or me thing, they are a whole house contributes thing. So he should contribute.
I do not believe any of this would be classified as toxic or misogynistic as it is an agreement between you two. You aren’t forced.
Sounds like someone’s jealous that you get to keep your own money instead of having to pay into bills.
Good lord that is a massive damn reach, did she stretch beforehand? Sheesh 😳
What a sweet man you have! This is total crap and your friend is throwing around a word she clearly doesn’t understand, pretending to be a
feminist so she can sound sound superior. Marriages are partnerships, if your husband was saying you can’t work, or your paycheck belongs to him that would be misogynistic
What you have here is someone showing love.
This is a partnership. Sounds totally healthy to me.
she’s jealous you’re in a normal relationship with a loving partner that cares about you
I think your arrangement is fine as long as you understand your finances and have discussions about money goals, saving, retirement, etc.
I think your best friend needs to mind her own business. Your husband is supportive and kind by suggesting you use the money to do fun things with the kids and pampering things for yourself. Only someone who wants to sow discord would suggest he’s the villain here. Tell her you are happy with the arrangement and it’s not up for discussion. Lay a boundary with her or this will keep coming up.
Your friend is not going to help your marriage.
There’s always a division of labor. If the 2 of you are happy with yours, do not let a hater get in the way
There’s not really enough context here. I mean, unless your friend has other reasons to believe that your husband would want to trap you in your marriage so you’re helplessly dependent on him, I can’t imagine why she would say something like this to you if she was a true friend and she wasn’t jealous. Or could she be struggling with something herself and maybe projecting onto you?
She’s not jealous. She’s scared for you. What happens if your husband dies? What if he gets injured and can no longer provide for you? What if he becomes abusive. She’s not hating, she’s seen what men do to women and she’s scared you could end up like that. In a position where you’re financially dependent on him and can’t get away in case something happens. You say he’s a good husband and so do many other women, even the ones getting beat by their husbands. Ask her what’s she’s worried us going to happen to you. Get her to talk with you about all the possibilities because they can happen. It came off as crass because you’re wearing rose colored glasses and thinking “It’s not happening to me so why should I care?” Well it can happen to you, so prepare yourself.
I’d say that’s between the spouses. What works for you may not work for others.
I think that’s kind of awesome that he just wants you to spend it on yourself or the kids. Plus you’re getting work experience. I fail to see your friends issue.
I would save some of your money though.
You’ve been unpaid for your labor for so long. It’s always good to have a nest egg in case things go wrong.
No, this is called financial planning. This is what healthy couples do.
So when I worked at a bank, I’d have women come in after a divorce or being widowed who had no idea how to pay bills, like how to access the payment portals, or even what their monthly expenses were. I had a lady come in and ask me how to balance a checkbook (I told her it’s all online now but that stressed her out even more, so we both learned how to balance a checkbook that day).
The heartbreakers were the ones who came in and found out they were completely broke, and with no real way of joining the workforce again.
Anyway, there’s nothing un-feminist about one spouse or the other paying all the bills. You’re each contributing equally to the family (I’d argue being a stay at home partner is so much harder than working- I’ve been in both positions and god damn is working easier). It’s also great that you’re able to have your own money for a rainy day fund. Literally everyone should have that. I would just say try to stay aware of the bills, etc.
Don’t discuss your marriage with your friends. Especially unmarried ones. This is between you and your husband. I think this is a good set up. It’s very similar to the one I had in my marriage.
I have been in the same boat as you before. SAHM for a few years, then got the opportunity to return to work like 11-25 hrs a week at $19hr. It was mainly for me to just go out of the house. My husband was working from home and was comfortable working and being a dad at the same time, so that I could work. He did not let me pay for any bills, he said to use the money for myself and the kids or whatever I wanted. It was honestly the best! In no way did any of my family or friends ever bring up anything negative. People were happy for me. It’s like I got to have cake and it eat too. I almost felt guilty. We currently cannot do that anymore, and I’m home full time because he’s back in the office with weird hours. But I’m so glad to do it because this is the kind of non toxic husband I have!! He always has my best interest. Sounds like you have a great one too
If you’re both happy; then it’s not toxic. It’s only toxic if you didn’t have a choice. He suggested, you agreed, and your household finances are used in a way that makes everyone happy. You’re both consenting adults and not pushing an unrealistic tradwife lifestyle on anyone
Best Friend’s outlook goes back to the beginning of second-wave feminism, and Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. The theme was that housewifery was at best a gilded cage, unsatisfying for just about all women. So a career and financial independence were necessary to keep the cage unlocked.
Best Friend sees your new job as a step towards that goal. And when you told her that Husband still pays all the bills, and you’re just earning a little fun money, she worries that you’ve given back the progress you’ve made – at least symbolically. And that you’ve become a little too comfortable depending entirely on Husband for your own good.
Best Friend only wants what SHE considers best for you. This shouldn’t cause a rift in your friendship, unless you’re as deep into ideology as she.
Granted, ideology is turning friends into enemies more than ever these days. But rn Best Friend is seeing Husband as the enemy – not you. His idea about your income being just fun money is her idea of toxic misogyny. Keeping you fully dependent, at least in outlook, if not in fact. Keeping the cage locked.
She’s jealous.
What this sounds like is a healthy partnership with an agreed-upon sharing of workload, and chores. And just because he’s the main breadwinner doesn’t automatically mean it’s misogynistic. In this case it looks like a healthy agreement.
I think your friend meant to say she is envious. Probably an honest mistake.
I think it’s none of her business how you guys manage your finances
Your friend is wrong. Nothing toxic about it. She’s jealous. In fact it’s the opposite of misogyny. He’s having you spend your earnings on whatever you want.
Your money or your husband’s money. It doesn’t matter which pays for bills, things for the kids, or for your self care. It would be paid for either way. Where that money technically comes from is just a shell game. What you two are doing is using the dollar amount of your income as the budget for specific spending. You are contributing to bills by paying for things that his income would otherwise pay for.
Your friend is wrong and over reactive, actively looking for issues. She’s got a jaded view of relationships. Don’t let her mess with your happy marriage. I’m a stay at home mom and rely completely on my husband for income. He reassures me that we are equal because I contribute to our family in many other ways. Your marriage and how your partnership works is none of her business if you and your husband love and respect each other.
I think that your friend is trying to come from a place of love and fear for you, but she’s unfortunately misinformed on something in the situation
Either she doesn’t understand what you’re saying the set up is, or she’s misinterpreting some of the things she’s read/heard, or just being hypervigilant in general and trying to predict a pattern that just isn’t there.
The fact that she specifically said “toxic misogyny” makes me think it’s that shes misinterpreting some TikTok videos where people talk about their toxic situations with misogyny, or that therapists talk about
The biggest thing for her to understand is that situational nuance is important and the detail that you do have complete access and control over the money you make is the pillar that makes this different from someone trying to control you or make it hard for you to leave.
I mean, if you felt unsafe you’d even be able to easily save to leave, vs if all your money was going towards bills!!!
Tldr; I think she’s trying to come from a place of love and worry but I don’t think she’s right
If it works for your family, and you are secure, it is not really her business. I mean, it is fine for her to express herself, but if you disagree she shouldn’t keep pressing the point. Even if she is right, you have to come to that conclusion for yourself, not because your bestie tells you your husband is exploiting you.
I think both of your money should be used for the household. (also: You should also know exactly how his money is being distributed, because you are equally responsible for the household.) Of course you should both have personal money to spend as you wish. You should also both have savings, and household savings, etc. What does he plan to do with the money he is saving on not paying for your spray tans and manicures? in summary: if you guys weren’t saving with 1 income, you should be putting most of your $400 away, in my opinion.
Your friend is jealous and is trying to create doubt and mistrust in your marriage. Careful, she will get bolder. It’s best to walk away or keep her at arms reach.
I think your friend is jealous.
Your friend is nuts.
She doesn’t even know what it means.
No she is very wrong. It’s great he is telling you to go enjoy time with the kids and he will still pay for everything. I also think it’s very fair that you pay for your pampering at this time. He had no issue to cover it when you were home but his way he can put more towards bills or investments
Well…
Your husband does sound dismissive of your attempt to contribute financially to the household…
One could argue, that these past.years hes retained the financial power by being the sole breadwinner, and now he keeps it by this stunt…
It may not be his motive – but it seems the way its percieved by your friend…
Toxic misogny?? Nope.. but the roles are set in your marriage – he provides money and you take care of kids and home… and your attempt.to change this has been averted by him… with your acceptance…
OP – if youre comfortable.with this traditional division of roles in your hous and marriage, good for you… but dont kid yourself – hubby is very comfortable being the breadwinner with all that carries re: implied power over the relationship..
I predict that you will recieve pushback from.him should you ever attemp to work full time.. and should you at any point out-earn him, there WILL be trouble.. because thats not ‘how its supposed to be’…
“If it ain’t broke -don’t fix it!
Misogyny is NOT someone living within traditional gender roles, it is someone being FORCED to live within them.
Feminism means having the right to choose to be a stay at home mum, to have the man be the provider, or to have any other roles / responsibilities/ arrangements within your own family (that aren’t harmful to others but that should go without saying). It also means the right to choose not to do those things, like your friend. If you don’t get to choose what you want to do then we’re back into oppression all over again.
You have a wonderful husband! Your bestie is not your bestie. Bad friend. Do not speak or involve yourself with her.
Is your marriage working for you and your partner? If yes, then it’s none of anyone else’s business.
I think your bestie is just wrong. It’s not up to her to decide how a household unit spends or splits expenses. That’s up to the household unit. She should fix her boundaries and keep her opinions on your household finances to herself unless you are explicitly asking for advice.
My partner and I both work, and have no kids. I usually work evenings, him mornings/days. At my job, I clean a lot. I mean, I clean a whole bar by myself usually. And I’m usually making the most, and paying the most in our bills. So he cleans at home. I almost never have to lift a finger. It naturally fell into this.
Every relationship has its own rhythm. I think you’ve found yours!
It sounds like your friend may be jealous that your husband makes such a good living that your salary can go toward luxuries. Don’t listen to her “toxic misogyny” nonsense, and never talk about finances with her again.
I think real misogyny would be if your husband pressured you not to work because “a woman’s place is in the home.”
Your husband sounds lovely, and your friend jealous.