About ten years ago I was added to a Whatsapp group chat with a bunch of men who are friends with my deceased husband. The chat was started to plan a reunion trip they wanted to take and they invited me to meet them. Everyone lives in different pockets of the world. I didnāt make the trip but after that trip they stayed in touch via the chat and forgot I was in it. Every month or two the chat will kick off and the jokes will fly. Itās interesting to be a fly on the wall. Iāve never heard anything particularly juicy, itās mostly ālocker roomā talk and bawdy sometimes misogynistic memes and jokes. Itās just interesting as a woman to be on the inside of an all male chat. Itās also oddly comforting to be a part of something my husband once was and to hear the occasional funny story about him. Iām afraid to āleave the chatā now for fear of being discovered! AITA? š
Comments
I don’t think so.
Nah, NTA. Look, these guys might unknowingly give you some small comfort & connection to your late hubby. As long as you’re cool seeing the unfiltered guy talk, stay in. Plus, it’s like you’re on some super secret undercover mission lmao. Hang in there, spy-lady!
They know you’re there š
Well I thought this confession was going to be , āI went on a camping trip as the only woman with all malesā¦.ā š
Youāre not the AH. Itās fine to stay and listen.
Yeah, they donāt mind that youāre there
If you were āaddedā they know youāre there.
I am not sure if there is a way to turn this off in group chat, but at some point in 10 years I would check who has read/seen my message… Maybe they know you are in the group(?)…
Iām in a chat group with exactly this situation. Our buddies widow is still in the chat. She doesnāt say much, sheās always been very quiet to the point when he was alive he called her Mute and so do we.
Every year on their anniversary and the week of his death we start with the funny stories about him and extra dumb jokes. We also take turns sending her the homemade coffee sweeteners he used to make for her when he was home off the road. Itās been five years since he passed.
Anyway the point is we want you there and we miss our friend.
They know youāre there. They just hope that youāre comforted somehow. Men are awkward when it comes to showing emotion but they feel it. They accepted your husband and by proxy they now accept you.
Letting them know how much the chat has helped you can also do some good for them. You are missing a husband and they are missing a friend, they can at least have some comfort that they are able to help you in some way.
Psh they know. Keep it for emergency if you ever need help.
For them part of your hubby is in the chat, for you part of him is also there.
They know, you know, itās a win/win.
You owe it to them to jump in with something your husband would have said!
They definitely know you’re still there. Just because you don’t say anything, it doesn’t mean that the group admin is not periodically monitoring the list of users.
Donāt leave the chat, they would of kicked you if they didnāt want you there
Youāre not there by accident ā¤ļø solid group of men. I bet your husband was a really good guy
They know youāre there. Enjoy it.
So I don’t know how Whatsapp works necessarily but….
They know you are there. Whether they know you are actually reading the stuff is another question. I don’t know if there is muting (aside from leaving) or if there are read notifications on Whatsapp.Ā
I have a group chat with the boys, and several of them don’t interact with it anymore. Every once in a while, we drop some bait to see if we get a response, just to see if they are just lurking.
I was always more comfortable with female friends starting in high school. Iām 55M. Our study group in hs was 4-5 girls and me. We always went to the girlās house whose mom was a nurse and worked nights. She would rarely be home. As a guy, this was an incredible education and sometimes I thought it was just because it was high schoolers. Nope, when mom was home, she chimed right in and was about the same. Only word we werenāt allowed to use was queef. Everything else was on the table.
Sorry for your loss. Hope you still get comfort being in the group.
At least they aren’t sharing national security secrets and plans to attack foreign countries.
I was included in a group chat with several mothers of middle school girls for a specific event. They forgot I was on it and I was a fly on the wall for months. One time they were planning something for the girls and I forgot I was accidentally still in their chat group and I responded. The constant back and forth immediately halted. One of them responded several hours later addressing me specifically saying they were changing plans and they would let me know if they planned something else. I was devastated for my daughter but glad I knew the truth to protect her. Mean ladies raise mean children. Thankfully they all went to different high schools the following year.
Stay in it, if they ever discover you just tell them the same thing you told us, they’ll understand.
Of mabey they know and the occasional kick up is thier way if remembering your husband and letting you know they still think of him.
I’m sure they’re aware you are there and just trying to give you a level of comfort they know you need
Thatās funny my wife has been in my groups discord chat for years and we had no idea until about a year ago š
I’m in a group chat with my husband and his friends. Thankfully, they are nerds. They just talk about sci-fi and wrestling. I’m from a different generation, that locker room talk stuff is thankfully long gone.
I lost my husband 4 years ago, and I would love to have that connection to him. Consider yourself blessed, and never leave that chat!
Being part of and getting to see into his world that he canāt be here to share with you is a unique experience.
If you feel guilty, come clean on a night you know most will be there and tell them how the experience has brought you a sense of peace and a feeling of closeness to him through them. Iām sure they wouldnāt mind having you. And they may want to know whatās happened to their fallen brother.
Youāre N T A
I had a somewhat opposite experience. A few
years back I was in a bridesmaids group chat where all bridesmaids and the bride knew each other from work, and I was an old university friend of the bride. We would chat about the wedding logistics there, but after the wedding one of the bridesmaids missed her flight home and ended up hooking up with groomās brother or relative of some sort, and following him to his apartment in the capital and staying there. They all started discussing this with juicy details. At some point of the discussion, the bride removed me from the chat without saying a word to me privately.
It stung a little because these bridesmaids were not even nice to the bride. A couple of days before that, on our way to the church ceremony, my husband and I drove the bridesmaids there and they badmouthed the bride the entire 20-minute ride. I didnāt mention anything to the bride as I didnāt want to ruin her day.
Don’t worry about being discovered, they know you’re there. You’re helping them hold on to the memory of him, as much as they’re helping you hold on.
is it supposed to be cute and funny that your husbands friends all hate women and that your husband obviously did too?š grown ass men btw
I was always envious of male group chats. Guys are able to keep in touch over the most mindless and crass memes and chatter. Itās not like that with all female chatsā¦. Or maybe itās just me missing out.
NGL this is kinda sweet? Like you’re getting stories about your husband and they’re not saying anything truly awful. Keep lurking girl.
Girl, you’re getting the unfiltered male experience AND honoring your husband’s memory. That’s actually kind of beautiful.
I’m not in a group chat, but my late husband’s 2 good friends(we all live in different states) never forget about me. It’s been 12 years and they still make sure to wish me a happy mother’s day. It’s such a small gesture, but it’s a big deal to me.
LEAVE before itās too late!
Nah,Ā NTA. Its kind of awesome. š
Aww. They miss him so they want you there. They know. They just trust you because they trusted him.
NTA. If anything they are slightly for being misogynistic, though, albeit theyre just being silly and i suspect are probably not a danger to the world!
My wife would probably come beat my ass in the grave for the jokes we all make etc
Have they mentioned anything about airstrikes in Yemen?
Me over here shedding a couple of tears reading through the commentsš„²š
Youāre not the AHā¦ but you are the FBI. Ten years deep and they still donāt know š
I love it! Never leave if it brings you comfort. Its not your fault they forgot you were there š
I got no friends so my eyes are always burning
Uh this title dude..
Clickbait
If they have forgotten you are there, and you make no effort to remind them, then the situation isnāt your fault, but I think staying in it while knowing this is a form of privacy violation. But I will forgive you for it on the provision that you find a way to remove yourself from the group, pronto.
There are very few spaces remaining where men can congregate with other men and are free to be open and be themselves and sometimes say extremely offensive and inappropriate things that are funny precisely because everyone in the group knows he doesnāt actually think that way. WhatsApp group chats are one of those spaces.
I would be horrified if I were to find out that a woman I know (or any woman really) had read some of the stuff Iāve written in that chat. And in addition to that, and at the same time, I would be angry that you had violated my privacy. Plus you yourself might be offended by some of the stuff Iāve written, but you shouldnāt have been reading it in the first place.
Doesnāt sound like it would do our friendship any good, does it?
You know what you need to do.
A lot of comments here about how menās chat is over memes and jokes. There are a few of those, but there is a lot of support for life changes, like helping with moves, heartbreak, financial stability, etc. , planning meet ups, . Friend group of 12 for 30+ years.
You are NOT! From one widow to another, this is super cool and you should stay.
NTA – the opposite in fact. Iād bet a chunk of $$ that they know youāre there, want you there, and consider you an organic part of the whole. Donāt leave.
The fact that you were invited to the ārealā chat is telling – youāre an accepted part of the pack. Not to be sexist, but as a woman you bring an element of light and beauty we are missing. Thereās also a bond there, an intimacy of shared loss, and your presence brings solace and peace. Your loss would be grieved, probably not lightly. You canāt leave.
Sounds like the type of group that would be there if you were ever in trouble or need and thatās a comfort for any human to be part of. I imagine if it came to it the majority would be making emergency travel plans if one of them was in need, and doubly so for you.
This is one of the nicest posts and responses Iāve seen ever. You are not TA. Stay in the chat group.
Have to say the responses to this post make me feel very hopeful. As long as we can feel the sweetness of this post and the responses, thereās hope for us all.
This brought tears to my eyes!
Yāall folks proved today that there is still hope for humanity. š
Aww this is do wholesome . This is my first comment ever on here , Iām a lurker but couldnāt scroll past this
Id be willing to bet that they’re all aware you’re there. Just roll with it!
I got added to my friendās momās group chat where they were trying to schedule a brunch. My friend was on some kind of shared phone data plan or something with their family, and all of their contacts synched up. so when their mom made the group chat, she accidentally typed my name (which was close to her actual friendās name) which added me instead. I thought it was a scam at first, until the bottomless mimosas got mentioned, then I joined in and said āyall got the wrong person, but Iām down for mimosas!ā. They laughed it off, but then I never got a follow up text about brunch so I was a bit sad
So Glad The Group Chat Keeps Their Story PG-13 Rated.
Iām a widow this hits the mark. Thank you š
My best friend’s widow is in my D&D discord chat. Occasionally she’ll log on and try to listen in. We always joke about there being a spy in our midst.Ā
I needed a story like this right now thank you. This is just amazing, I wouldn’t leave it either. I wonder if I were in the same spot if it would make me feel closer to my husband in a way. š¤·āāļø
This is beautiful honestly. Love it. I have. A group chat with my guy friends, and they can be gross and perverse but Iām sure my wife would love it if I died.
NTA. I think it’s kinda sweet.
User name checks out.
Stay in the chat!
Dont leave
Seeing who is in a groupschat is always 1 tiny click away and you don’t jusy “forget” when you banter. They 100% are okay with you being there and part of it.