To set the scene, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have a 6 month old together, and have lived together for 5 years. There have been a few instances where I have felt disrespected by MIL, or I felt her behaviour showed a dislike towards me. I just need some insight from people who aren’t involved in the situation.
I met his mum about 5 months into the relationship and she was pleasant enough except for getting my name wrong. (I have a very simple name, not sure how this happened).
We didn’t have much of a relationship apart from the occasional birthday dinner for my partner and his family members, as well as 2 Christmases. She never really took much of an interest in me as a person or getting to know me.
We announced the pregnancy and she asked me to call her, during which she said she’s here if we need anything and “accidents happen” referring to my planned baby as an accident. I was so taken aback I didn’t even acknowledge this comment, although looking back I’m quite hurt by it.
I only saw her once during my pregnancy and she only messaged me twice to ask how it was going. When we had our first scan, my partner sent her a picture of the screen as the hospital didn’t print copies. She messaged me a photo of my scan and asked me why I did not get any hard copies, and said I need to get one for her on my next scan. I told her that they don’t print them, and then she messaged my partner to ask him to get her a hard copy. It was just strange because I had already told her that wasn’t possible but she felt the need to go around me to double check?
Prior to the pregnancy announcement, she lived over 2 hours away, and after finding out I was pregnant she moved into a flat 15 minutes away without even asking if that was okay/what we wanted. It felt like she was only interested in us now that we had a baby on the way, and it felt like a lack of boundaries to not even check if that was what we wanted.
She blindsided me by asking me randomly to postpone my baby shower until she returned from her holiday. She went about for my entire third trimester and was insistent that I should reschedule the event 3 months later so that she could attend. I told her I was not going to do this because I would be too heavily pregnant to enjoy the event, and she sent me passive aggressive messages.
She also repeatedly asked to meet my family (knowing I’m NC with most of them due to previous abuse), and sent me an eye roll emoji when I said that my extended family were unavailable on the short notice date she had selected.
When my baby was born by emergency c section, we were held in hospital for about a week. The day we got home she messaged my partner asking when she could come over. When he said we weren’t having any visitors yet, she called him to guilt trip him into allowing her round. He told her I needed to heal from my c section and she said “I’ve seen worse” but could not specify what ‘worse’ was – this made me feel like an actual incubator who’s recovery was a non issue. She then called me the next day and I held my ground, stating we would let her know when we were ready for visitors. A couple days later, she messaged me saying she wants to come over on the Saturday, I relented because I felt pressured, even though I was nowhere near ready for visitors.
I feel like this is getting quite long already, so I’ll quickly list the rest.
– didn’t wish me a happy first Mother’s Day but wished my partner a happy first Father’s Day
– kissed my baby 5 times (in one go) and then told me “if she did it”, when I was the one who saw her
– didn’t wish me happy birthday, even though she knew when my birthday was
– gave her another chance and mentioned my birthday trip twice, she was absolutely silent both times
– generally speaks to me very little whenever we are around each other
To wrap this up, there have been other smaller things that she has done to make me feel ‘othered’ or unliked by her. I have spoken to my partner multiple times about this and he insists she does like me because she occasionally asks him about me. I want an objective opinion on whether I’m reading too much into this or whether she really does not like me. Potentially some advice on how to move forward would be nice as well?
I’m supposed to be going on a group trip with her next year for 2 weeks and I haven’t decided whether I want to go or not because of this.
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Do NOT go on a two-week trip with this person.
Two weeks is too long to travel with people who treat you poorly and stomp on boundaries. Do yourself a favor and don’t go. She sounds awful
Nope, no way should you go on the group trip. It’s all gonna be her friends, pre-primed with her opinions of you, and no way to escape, especially with a one-year-old. They are going to be rotten to you and all over the baby.
You already know you have a husband problem, right?
To me it sounds like you deserve to go on a vacation that will actually be enjoyable. Not one you have to navigate and be emotionally drained the entire time for. At the end of the day if someone is making no effort to get to know you, be your friend, or show you a crumb of kindness – why stretch yourself to do the same for them?
Also your partner’s reasoning is such BS. I’m sure everyone has asked about someone they either don’t really care about, or actively dislikes, just to keep the conversation going at some point. In my opinion there’s no need to reward someone for bare minimum.
Don’t ever let her control anything about your life or your child’s life. She doesn’t give a fuck about you. She will sell you out and sabotage your marriage the very second she can think of something that she can manipulate your husband with. Trust me, my MiL is exactly like what you have described and she has literally made things up about me to try to get my husband to divorce me. I won’t be alone with her ever now so she can’t make things up. If she lied to the police, she could have your children taken away, for example. Don’t underestimate people who only care about themselves.
You’re not over reacting. She doesn’t like you and barely even notices your presence. This reads like you’re just a nuisance that’s around her, like a fly that got stuck in her home. She’s literally only tolerating your presence because you’re the incubator that brought forth her sacred grandchild (sound of angels singing in the background).
Don’t give this woman the time of day. She isn’t worrying about you or your feelings, so return the favour – don’t go on the trip, and make sure you parent how YOU want to. Don’t let her bully you into extra visits or anything you don’t want to.
She sounds like a narcissist. Manipulative and rude! I’m so sorry you have had to deal with that behavior and I truly hope your partner comes around to seeing the tactics she uses to get under your skin.
So the bar for liking someone is asking about them occasionally? Is your partner totally oblivious to events occurring around him?
No, MIL does not like you, is indeed toxic and seems to barely tolerate you. Do not go on a trip with her. You will be miserable.
Sorry, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I’ve got a passive aggressive MIL who never seems to do anything overtly horrible so no one ever sees the disrespect, at least at first.
Life is short, parenting is hard and long—I don’t know if going on even a group trip with her is a good idea unless there are other factors that can keep her from negatively affecting you. If it’s not healthy for you, it’s not healthy for your child either, because your child is dependent on you for everything, especially for care, safety and security, which would be harder to provide if she’s up to her usual antics. My MIL would disregard instructions I shared with her from my child’s pediatrician–yours may do the same. Do you even feel your child would be safe around her, especially if they’re in active toddler mode a year from now? Can you count on your partner to have your back and do what’s best for your child even if it upsets his mom or she brushes it off?