When we found out our oldest son (we have 5 children total) and daughter-in-law were expecting we were so excited. But before their child was born we became concerned that we might not get to be involved they way we’d hope. We each had wonderful grandparent relationships with our GP’s. It became clearer when our granddaughter was born, that her mom was extremely protective. She rarely allows anyone but her own mother to hold or interact with our GD. Our GD is now 18 months. We live within 15 miles of our son and daughter but have never been allowed to babysit or even come visit her at their house. I’m not exaggerating when I calculate that my husband and I have not held our GD more than 30 minutes total between us in K—-‘s entire 18 months. We are both educated. I’m a teacher and my husband was an elementary teacher for two years. We both raised children as single parents and they all turned out healthy and decent people. We’ve never used drugs, drink infrequently, are responsible, and a avoid giving unsolicited advice to our 5 adult children so we are at a loss for why we are treated like strangers rather than her GPs. My husband and I have shared many tearful conversations about this. He’s talked to our son but is not very direct and didn’t end up with any answers. I’m actually afraid that if we ask them directly that she will cut us out completely and we will never be able to build a relationship with our GD. Any advice?
Our son and daughter-in-law won’t let us build a relationship with their 18 month old child. Is this normal parent protectiveness?
r/Advice
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It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t build bridges by kicking down doors. Approach gently or risk being cut off completely. Show unwavering patience and love because forcing the issue now will only drive them further away.
Ask her if you’ve done anything to make her uncomfortable, and follow up with how you can ease her anxiety? Be an ally. Invite them to stuff, start planning little activities and adventures, “oh hey, let’s go to the zoo this weekend, which day can I pick you guys up?”
Does she not like you guys for some reason?
Have you always been close to your son?
It is possible that this is her manipulating your son.
Your son may feel the same way but too scared to express himself.
Back off and do not pressure them. I understand that you want a close relationship, but that is up to the parents, rightly or wrongly.
Be polite, don’t complain, don’t pressure.
Send friendly check-in messages a couple times a week. Don’t call or email more than that or it WILL look like pressure regardless of your intentions.
Do not ask why you are not seeing the baby or argue your points, even though they are good ones.
Tell them ONE TIME that you are always available to help with child care if they need it, or to give the parents a day off. ONCE ONLY.
Hopefully they will warm up when she stops being afraid you will act entitled, be pushy or interfere with child care. Asking repeatedly or trying to get your so to lean on her are VERY bad ideas. Regardless of your intentions, she will see it as you acting entitled and demanding.
Have you ever offended her, even unintentionally, or shown up when you were not personally invited? People can hold a grudge over the silliest, stupidest things. You don’t seem like the type, so I am just asking, not accusing.
She is probably just a possessive, clingy mom. Keep inviting them to family occasions. Act normal. Say NOTHING like “oh, I wish we got to see Little Sugarbuns more often.” Nothing that she can pounce on!
I hope she warms up and backs down. You seem like you would be great grandparents, and I hope that happens soon.
People have given some really good advice and I think it’s important to remember that your daughter-in-law is not your child. You don’t know what life experiences she has had and are not entitled to her trauma.
There might be a really good reason that she is overprotective. Again you’re not entitled to know why. All you can do is be supportive.
Is it possible you have more psychological issues than you’re willing to admit to?
I’m confused about your relationship with your son. You say your DIL is not allowing you to interact with your grandchild. You say she is very protective. You say your husband had a rather indirect conversation with your son about the situation.
Why haven’t you spoken to your son about your desire to have a relationship with your granddaughter? You need to approach him with openness and curiosity about why you haven’t been able to spend time with her.
You seem to blame this breach on the DIL, where does your son fit into the picture?
I suspect the other grandmother may be pressuring the mom, out of her own insecurity? or has inflicted such trauma upon the mom, she is terrified of what any other person of that generation may do? It can’t be changed. Offer once a month to take the three of them out to eat, or a zoo, or meet for a picnic? Make the offer a week ahead , for a weekend afternoon, and just accept their answer. Don’t make crazy offers, just normal, quiet fun simple things. Maybe offer to take them shopping for clothes for the baby at an upscale shop? Just keep offering. But be quietly consistent.
There needs to be some sort of conversation with your son about this. And just ask if there is anything that you guys have done to make them both feel uncomfortable. If he asks why, explain that you’re wanting to be more involved in their lives. I wouldn’t make it about the DIL and her actions. Make it more about how you want to be involved. Your DIL isn’t family to you, and he should be respecting her wishes. But I do feel like there should be some communication regarding the topic. People don’t just randomly not allow access to children for no reason. There’s either something you’re missing, or something going on behind the scenes.
What you are doing isn’t working so change your actions. Be persistently helpful. Ask often ‘how can we help?’ You’ve got work with the mom and follow her lead. Drop off a meal so they don’t have to cook one night a week.
Having you around should always make their life easier.
But if they don’t start involving you, you might as well talk to your son together and ask him how he sees the future with you guys involved with your grand daughter.
I’d humbly suggest maintaining your distance, as difficult as that may be.
If I understand your post correctly, it sounds like your daughter-in-law’s own mother is playing a decisive role here.
Do you have any reason to suspect that that might indeed be the case?
And if so, can you speculate on what might be motivating the other grandparent?
Your son may be as in the dark as you are.
Thank you.
Are your husband and you vaccinated (TDAP/Covid/MMR)?
I think you need to have a good look at what you have said/done to make them feel this way. This post is full of missing reasons…