My question: is my husband’s effort too little, too late?
Context: we’ve been together a total of 10 years, married for 3. My (30F) husband (34M) has lost all zest for life, I feel like I’m living mine tangentially to him. He says no to me to virtually anything I suggest we do together that I want to do, with the reasoning being that he’s just not interested in doing that activity (hiking, walking, working out, playing with the dog at the park, running errands with me). He used to, so idk what happened there. We fought and fought over the fact that he doesn’t want to do things with me that I like and now he begrudgingly does those things sometimes and I can tell he’s having a horrible time and is so bored.
Getting him to help with housework has been so much fighting, that’s a years long debate where he just says we have different opinions on what is “dirty”.
We fight while on trips too, when we should be having a nice time and relaxing, because we can’t agree on what we should do. We fight and bicker over so much it leaves me wondering what do we agree on and what do we both want? Is he just ok going to work, playing video games, and coaching youth sports? That’s his only recreational activity which takes up a majority of his time for around 4 months out of the year. Getting him to come along for virtually anything, is a chore and a fight.
I have told him this so much very clearly and straightforward, and he promises to do better and try more and he will do it for a little while and then go back to how things were. When I point this out he just says I need to remind him and he’ll oblige, but I don’t want to be obliged? I’d like him to do things for me and with me because he loves me and wants me to be happy, like I do for him? I support him through all his games and the sports season, I have tried his hobbies and even supported his video game playing as a way to wind down. I feel like I give and I give and I have run out.
I feel like I am dragging him through this life and I’m fed up. So I left last weekend to stay at a friend’s house; and he is so apologetic now and remorseful, but I feel like I’m too far gone out of love with him. He sobbed and begged and I felt nothing when he did so. He says he’ll change and be better, but I just don’t believe him. I’ve given him so many chances and so much feedback that this isn’t working and he just had no interest in changing until I was out the door.
Am I throwing this all away?
EDIT:
Thanks everyone for your input, I have read through all comments and all are insightful and thoughtful. Some things to add:
We DID counseling, weekly for 8 months. Just to get to this point. I feel like all signs are pointing me to the direction of leaving and I’m just nervous to do so since I’ve been with him for so long and we are married. Even if he did change, I feel like I’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now for the sake of both of us I need to move on. He was so heartbroken when I spoke to him last, it pulls at my heart. But the sad thing is, all the effort he is putting in now just doesn’t affect me, I’m numb to it all now.
Comments
He sounds depressed, have either of you discussed him going to therapy?
Nah, you’re throwing away being miserable. And I promise, it’s worth it.
Sometimes relationships just run their course. You either grow together or you don’t, and this seems like you grew as a person and he just didn’t.
Here is the thing: He has been telling you he will do better and then he reverts back to how he was. You know, he knows, and I know that this is what will happen when you go back to him. If you seriously want to give it another shot, maybe marriage counseling? But, to be real with you, this happened to me and although I left because he was cheating, I nearly left twice because the promises to change never stuck.
You need to remind him to do things with you that you want to do? 🙄 It sounds like life isn’t compatible anymore. And I say that as someone who has been with my husband for 11 years now. We do have differences of clean vs. dirty, but he is always down to do something if I would like, even if it doesn’t align with his interests.
Exactly, he just had no interest in changing until you were out the door.
If he wanted to he would. If he wanted to make changes to ensure you are also happy in this relationship, he would have.
I’d try couples therapy. You can separate or divorce any time during therapy. But maybe it will turn things around.
Sounds like depression might be a factor here?
On a side note, I talked with a therapist a few years ago about how to help my “depressed” ex so he can finally have time for me and she said his depression aside, how long are you okay with your needs not being met? I keep thinking about it until this day.
Throwing what away exactly? Dragging around a miserable albatross? Fighting on vacation when you could be just enjoying yourself doing whatever the fuck you want? Nagging a grown adult to do chores?
If you have to literally walk out and/or break up/serve divorce papers for a man to finally start scrambling to make a change…I think the man is not worth keeping. A man who loves you and cares for you, that man listens to you and makes adjustments along the way, not when everything falls apart for him. He was content letting you live in “permanent state of tolerable unhappiness” (look it up).
He really is a walking textbook example of weaponized incompetence. He “doesn’t see mess”, he has “different standard of cleanliness”, he “helps” with housework, you need to “remind him” to do basic household tasks, you have to “tell him what you want” in regards to basic fucking relationship needs as if he were a 5 year old raised by wolves. Even if he does have depression, depression does not cause weaponized incompetence, being a selfish asshole is the root cause.
You say your husband has lost all zest for life. You are saying the quiet part out loud. I’m sorry, but at this point, this isn’t about you right now. Put your romantic part of the relationship on hold, and help him. Men can recoil when they’re going through something and it sounds like he is going through major depression. I would try and get him therapy and support. Just because you didn’t feel anything when he begged for you back, doesn’t mean this marriage is over. You could have just felt some pity for him in that moment. Give it time and get him help.
And could this eventually mean this is over, if time goes on and you try to support him and help him and he doesn’t get well? Of course. But I think the bottom line is, he is in need of serious help.
You guys started dating when you were 20. You have no identity outside of your relationship. You’ve never lived alone as an adult.
This is your framework for what a relationship is and it does not sound fulfilling.
It does sound like he’s depressed. But, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t want to spend it with you with shared interests.
Before just throwing it all away, it might be worth it to see if he is depressed or has some other mental health issues going on. Yes, people’s personalities can change, and yes, relationships can run their course, but it’d be silly to not look into mental health first.
As others have said, he could be depressed. Get him evaluated and treated.
The housework / cleanliness misalignment is a separate issue
I felt exhausted for you just reading your experience. I have a friend who has the same type of husband and it’s just really sad. You shouldn’t need to beg your partner to want to spend time with you.
My husband is significantly busier than me but he makes time for me and our kids. He’s working upper/middle management and doing his MBA but he still makes time. He still plays video games too and helps cook dinner and laundry and all the things.
He hasn’t done recreational stuff with me though. He just doesn’t have time. But the difference I think is that I see his effort. He’s not making excuses. I know he can’t make time out of thin air. I do push him to be more active and get better sleep and he wants to but is just juggling a lot. But he’s still present.
Only you know whether it’s worth giving him a second shot though. Maybe you can while being separated? Go to couples counselling and set boundaries for what needs to change. But don’t go back until you can truly see he’s changed. But it sounds like you’re even too tired for that, and I can’t blame you. What you’ve been through is so mentally exhausting.
You question if your husband’s efforts are too little too late but I don’t see any report of his efforts to begin with?
You made a vow to work through anything, do those vows not mean anything anymore?
While I agree with the comments saying your husband might be depressed, I don’t agree that getting him into therapy is your problem. You’ve made him aware of how he’s affecting you, and he should be proactive about working on solutions for that together and alone. The dynamic you have with him right now is like mother and child – and it will stay that way if you take responsibility for him acting like an adult in an adult relationship.
If there’s any part of you that feels like there is something worth salvaging then I would suggest couples counselling – but if you have fallen out of love, don’t believe him, and don’t trust him, then know that this will be an extremely difficult hurdle to get over and it will require a lot of effort from both of you. If you don’t feel like you’ll get that from him, decide about how much more of your energy you’re willing to spend on this.
Gosh I could have written this about 10 years ago. Even the gaming and cleaning. Married 20 years and I felt like I was dragging him through life. Begging him to be a part of it. He was never happy, always depressed. I started to just do what I wanted to do without him. First I was camping, hiking etc with the kids. I would ask him if he wanted to go. Always a no so I just went by myself and the kids. Sometimes with friends. I always made it clear his no didn’t mean I wasn’t going to do it. Then I decided on divorce Mostly because I had tried for 20 years to help with his “ happiness “. I can to the conclusion that it wasn’t my job to make him happy and I only had one life and I wanted to get out and explore this world. After the divorce his dating profile says he is looking for someone to hike and go out with. I just laughed. My kids says he is stuck in his house waiting for someone to make him happy. I wish better for him but his happiness was never my problem to fix. I just got out of his way to find it better. Now me, I’m thriving. Love my life. I go on trip solo, with friends and my partner. I love life. This weekend my grown kids, partner and friends went crystal digging in a mine in Arkansas. Wore ourselves out. Had a blast. Something my ex would never do and if he did it would be kicking and screaming.
Throwing what away? A husband that doesn’t care to spend time with you? That doesn’t want to show any interest in the things you like? Someone that is okay with dumping household responsibilities on you because he doesn’t want to do them? Someone you argue and bicker with constantly? I know I wouldn’t want my partner to “oblige” when I simply want to spend time together. Reading that made me feel sad for you.
I think if he was truly going to change he would have long ago because if he cared enough about your happiness he would have already taken action. Even if he was depressed it would have been on him to do something about it long ago because it sounds like this has been going on for a long time, and it sounds like he’s fine enough to do the things he wants to do for himself. 🤷🏼♀️
Put yourself first and figure out what will make you happiest long term. You only get one life and it’s not an overly long one so make the most of it. If that means leaving and finding your peace, go for it. If it means sticking it out and hoping he decides to actually put in the work, do that. I know what I’d choose. Good luck!
Girl you are only 30 just leave this man and find someone you like.
The thing is, you can’t make yourself responsible for another adult’s life. If he has depression, you can’t force him to take medications, attend therapy, and put in the work it takes to produce lasting improvements. Therapy takes a lot of time, money, and effort; it’s not like going to get a haircut and sitting there until they’ve fixed you up. Sure you can encourage him to go, but you can’t perform that effort for him, nor can you ultimately motivate him to do it for himself.
So I’d look carefully at what he’s actually doing to affect lasting change. Going to the store with you a couple of times and then stopping isn’t lasting change; it’s a cosmetic effort meant to placate you, nothing more. What habits and attitudes is he working on, what steps is he taking to improve his mental health? You can encourage him to do that, maybe help him make the first appointment, but the bulk of the work is unavoidably on the actual patient. Much as we wish we could, we can’t “fix” someone else, and until he finds the motivation to work on himself, he’s unlikely to see any real progress.
Only you can decide if this relationship is worth saving/waiting around for. I think it’s hard to tell because you won’t know until time has passed.
But all relationships have their seasons. As long as he isn’t/you don’t feel like you are being abused, focus on your stuff. It sucks that he can’t be present, but all this trying might actually be suffocating him, and it’s clearly draining you. It could also be making things worse because it’s reminding him how much he is failing at being a good husband right now.
I find a lot of people, but especially men, to be terrible as emotional regulation when they are going through a rough patch. Or identifying depression (or other emotional maladies).
So, just do your own thing without the expectation of him coming a long. Invite him once, and then just go and do it. Don’t drag him. Don’t keep pushing him. Just say “I’d love it if you can come to X”, “Hey I’m heading to X, have a good night,” “Hey, I’m back from X, it was really nice, I hope you can join me next time”. And then just move on from the convo. Call a friend, read a book, or whatever.
It reminds me of when I was in day care or dealing with an abandoned dog, sometimes the best thing is to give space, and keep coming back with no expectation for the quite kid to join, or the dog to want to take a bath.
That being said, it does suck when an adult man is refusing to communicate, and sit with himself to actually identify his problems so he can express them in a mature way. So I don’t agree with what he is doing, and it is much harder to have patience with an adult than a kid or a rescued animal.
Anyways, love is both a feeling and an action. But you also don’t have to stay, and shouldn’t feel bad for going.
Good luck.
You know your answer already, so I view this post as looking for validation. And you absolutely have it. Your feelings and needs matter. For years you have voiced them, what sounds like respectfully, and he didn’t listen or take you seriously. By continuing to give him chances, he had the opportunity to change the behaviour and he didn’t. Now you’re at a boundary point, where continuing to give him chances is a disrespect to yourself, and an abandonment of your own needs.
It will be painful, but I think you’re doing the right thing. On the other side you’ll feel relief and you’ll be proud of yourself.
30 is still very young, get out and go find a man who actually likes you.
It’s okay to move on. You tried. Maybe once he tried as well. But you’ve matured into different people.
He just experienced a weekend of having to do everything by himself and now he’s scared of having to do more of that all the time. He will not change. You should prioritize your happiness, whether that’s alone or with someone who still enjoys life the same way you do.
Is he depressed? Sounds like he could use a boost – medication/supplements and some talk therapy so he can get back to himself. … which is who you married I’m assuming
OP I want you to experiment.
Do the things you want to do without him. Invite other people or go by yourself. Live life.
If getting him out of the house is a chore and a fight, you’re just ruining your own experience by bringing someone who won’t enjoy life with you. So don’t make it a chore and don’t fight. You don’t need his permission or company to experience joy.
Live your life, and if you find that not having him around is better, then you have your answer.
People are saying he’s depressed and to get him into therapy. So what if he’s depressed? Has he made any effort to get help in the last 20 years? Fixing him and cleaning up after his mess is literally not your job.
This sounds absolutely miserable. You’ve already checked out. Serve him papers and start actually living your life.
You are still so young and both of you have life in you!!! The marriage is in a rut and it takes both to change/get out of it!! I understand change is hard BUT you need to do the best for both.. If you truly believe both of you would benefit from a fresh start, then pull the plug… I’m much older and in the same boat—- I don’t like change but my gut is telling me divorce & living separately is best… I just want to remain respectful going thru this..
Sometimes you SHOULD throw it all away. I think this is one of those times.
He doesn’t like doing things with you or for you. He likes all the things you do for him. Of course, he’s crying. He enjoys that you make his life better while he makes your life worse.
He didn’t want to change until it impacted HIM. Hurting you over and over again wasn’t a good enough reason to change. Hearing your desperate pleas for him to step up wasn’t a good enough reason to change. You finally being ready to go is what it took for him to give a damn because that’ll impact HIS life and hurt HIS feelings.
You deserve better. Don’t waste your time on mediocrity when there’s great love to be had.
He sounds a lot like my partner who is diagnosed ADHD. I’ve been reading a lot about it and it basically sounds like they get REALLY into the things they truly find interesting but when it comes to things they don’t find interesting… it’s like painful for them to feign interest. I think that if you don’t share enough things that you BOTH find genuinely interesting …this will be a really tough relationship to continue in. Luckily in my case, my partner and I have a lot of shared hobbies that we are equally passionate about. So we spend a lot of time together having fun and being in our elements. But ya… getting him to due housework or run errands is like an endless struggle. But a struggle I am willing to engage in again and again because I am not this man’s mom and never will be lol
I don’t think it’s about him being good or bad necessarily but it does sound like you might just not be compatible. Sometimes when you’re not and you still love each other and hold on tight, it can lead to lots of conflict and polarization. That said, we don’t know you or the full context so id reflect deeply on what brought you two together in the first place. Is there anything you want to save here? If not, maybe you can split and in an ideal world even be friends. It’s not easy but either way you’re both still young and if it hasn’t been working for a long time then maybe it’s best to split.
On the other hand, if you used to have an amazing relationship but things have changed more recently eg because he’s depressed or something, then I’d consider that differently.
He’s not crying and promising to change because he loves you and wants to improve your relationship.
He’s doing it because he doesn’t want the status quo to change. If he has to suck it up and cook some meals and pretend to enjoy family life, that’s better than having to cook all of his meals and not having you there to manage the kids/household 99% of the time. A few weeks, a few months into it and he’ll be back to his old ways.
I do agree that he might be dealing with depression, but hey, that’s not your problem to solve. And you don’t have to sit and wait for him to decide to address it.
I was in a very similar relationship of 6 years. I left because of other reasons but I am so grateful that I did. I was really unhappy.
Think about it.
Edit: My ex turned out to be narcisstic. Do you think that your husband may have some narcisstic traits? That it’s not depression but manipulation?
Is he addicted to something like porn or video games? Either hes depressed or hes getting his enjoyment from something else. Spending a lot of time alone for example. Time to snoop!
why do you think he’s doing what he’s doing?
The only thing that scared him into begging you was the prospect of his neat content life with all his needs taken care of being tossed out the window.
Dump him.
he sounds depressed and like he needs therapy. have you discussed this?
You’re not throwing anything away, he is and he did. He decided to be complacent and stagnate and was content to let you drag him around so long as it would mean he’s not alone for the rest of his life and he would have been happy to do it if you hadn’t left to stay with your friend. You’re not getting your needs met, he’s not willing to contribute to your household, your happiness or even his own, don’t let him drag you through another 10 years of being miserable.
He’s throwing it away by refusing to be part of a partnership. So yall don’t do errands or hobbies together. Just split the bills and you carry the housework while he either plays games or coaches. You are roommates with the bonus of him not having to clean up.
If you want kids, your future will either be you solo parenting on top of this and him reminding you to be grateful bc this is what you asked for, or you finally breaking it off mid thirties and then running down the clock of fertility.
You gave him so many chances. You emptied yourself out until you had nothing left to give. Get a divorce lawyer and free yourself. Be happy.
This man is apathetic and unwavering.
Either he needs therapy or lots and lots of sex. I say that, with seriousness and sarcasm, because if he had sex more, generally men are not complacent.
The guy is struggling with something, and it isn’t you. But you are making it about you.
You can’t really change people, I’m guessing he was pretty similar when you met and got married and had kids? People tend to move more inward and more homebody as time goes on and kids get involved. You’re hoping that he changes and becomes more active and engaged in the world, but he is likely quite happy just working and playing video games and coaching youth sports. To him, that is a life that is just fine and dandy. To you, that is a life you hate and feel depressed to live.
Millions of women have gone through this, especially with the video games. I don’t understand how people call video games a hobby, it’s just a distraction like watching TV, there is nothing that makes it more valuable than that.
In some ways, this really isn’t his fault. He just is who he is and is happy with it, you’ve decided that you want more out of life and no one can really blame you for that, either. For some people, they are totally happy with a homebody life and he should be with someone who matches his interests, same as you.
He’s not going to change and you seem to already know that. So you just have to make your choice.
I’m in the same situation with an exception that I have a kid with him. I don’t see any future for us and I’m stuck.
He thought you were at a “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”.
He never saw a problem with how he was behaving, that’s why he never changed. And he never believed that his relationship was on the line. He could make a few half hearted attempts at fulfilling your asks for a week or two, but he was never committed to changing himself, not for you.
If you’re not interested in trying to reignite this relationship, you don’t have to give him any further chances. If you do feel you might regret not giving him one last chance, tell him explicitly that you need to see him guiding the repair work. He might want to start reaching out to couple’s counselors, for instance, or to do some self-work and book himself a therapy session to see why he’s lost interest in activities he used to enjoy (could be a sign of depression). You need to see his active interest in change and active steps towards change. Without those, well, words are easy for him to say. Followthrough is harder.
Any chance he’s depressed? Has he seen a doctor?
Honestly you should have seen my disgusted face reading your post. He doesn’t even want to participate in his own life, let alone yours. He sounds fully okay with just going through the day to day doing nothing at all but work, game, coach, repeat. I honestly couldn’t stand being with someone so boring.
My boyfriend will even join me for tasks he doesn’t enjoy (thrifting, clothes shopping, getting my hair done) literally just to spend more time with me. He doesn’t care what we’re doing, just that he’s hanging out with me.
Your husband doesn’t even want to go walk your pet which is also bizarre to me.
Honestly if I were you I’d probably be preparing for divorce. That sounds like an absolutely miserable way to spend the rest of your life.
You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why spend it with someone who has told you over and over again that he refuses to change?
Hey,
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. It’s not your fault. You haven’t failed.
Good luck.