Me (F/23) and my partner (M/23) have been together for three years. His mum comes across as lovely and always wanting to help. This on face value seems like a normal mum / MIL type, and I have in the past felt very supported by her.
However, the past year or so I’ve noticed how overbearing she can be. Despite living on our own in a flat with her being 10 mins away, she is constantly messaging us wanting us to see her every week. If we don’t respond, she’ll either just show up at our flat wanting a catch up, or call us / text us again asking for us to see her. It got to the point where she expected us to go for dinner every week (despite me loving to cook for my partner, and our evenings after work being our down time as he works the majority of weekends). In the end, when the dinners in the week got too much, we just had to be honest and tell her it was too much.
When she came round a couple of months ago, she said to me that her son (my partner) doesn’t talk to her about things anymore (he’s an adult, plus has a partner he can confide in). She really expressed how he used to go so her with ALL his problems. She also moaned at my partner last week for not calling her enough and checking in with her.
I’m just starting to feel like she wants control over aspects of our lives. Whenever she comes to the flat, she’s always snooping around – one time she opens the fridge and was surprised that it was cleaner than hers. This week, I’ve decorated our room (painting etc) and immediately she wants to come and see it.
I want to talk to my partner about it, but really don’t want to come across as mean. I also don’t know if I’m overthinking it too much. Readers of Reddit, advice would be much appreciated.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as HeightThis8835 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe HeightThis8835 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Advice Id give is to level set her expectations. “MIL its been nice being able to have dinner once a week recently but we wanted to give you a heads up that our availability is going to be much less for around the next 6 months. We have commitments and other things we will be spending a lot of time on for a while, so lets plan on dinner once a month starting this month”
You can make things up if she presses for details but less is more. Id also talk up that you two are also making a concerted effort to spend quality time together and as such youve got a busy social calendar for the forseeable future.
I’m getting the feeling that she’s very jealous you. She’s trying to make herself important so her son still needs her. It’s probably best to set some boundaries now, like dinner one every 2-3 weeks, you and your partner only answer the texts that really need a response/ or only answer when you really feel like chatting with her. Speaking from experience this type of mil will get worse as your relationship gets more serious. Better to put a stop to it now rather than 5 years from now when she’s much worse.
Reading that she’s upset he doesn’t talk with her as much anymore really bothers me. My mil said to me as we (me and bf at the time) were moving things into our first place together “he doesn’t talk to me anymore because you’re around” exactly like you said yeah because he has a partner now.
You aren’t overreacting but I do think your partner needs to talk to his mom and set some boundaries with her. If he isn’t willing or able to do that you’ll need to set boundaries with him
I think she just misses her relationship that she had with your son. Maybe encourage him to spend more time with her!