33f, married for 6 years. It’s time to start trying to conceive. Husband is eager for a kid, I’m not. While I agree it’s time to start trying since we’re already in mid 30s, I’m scared how a kid will take up my whole life and identity. We both have a great life as a couple and while I agree that we should start trying, I can’t get the fear out of my head. The tough ordeal of 9 months and the next 5 years too probably. How my whole life and identity will end up being around the baby. How my husband’s majority attention will be towardsa the kid.
I just like the life I have right now (except job, which is another whole story).
We always planned on having kids, and it seems unfair towards my husband that even after 6 years, Im unable to get myself mentally ready. It’s unfair towards him. Please suggest anything which will help me overcome the fear.
Comments
Are you sure you want a kid?
Doesn’t sound like you want a kid. Put off TTC until you work out what you want. A child is all consuming and completely life altering, for the rest of your life, not just for 5-6 years. Every stage of parenthood has bits that are hard and intense, not just the baby part. If it doesn’t sound like something that will bring you joy and fulfilment, don’t do it.
Don’t have a child you don’t want for someone else.
Of course he’s eager. He’s not going through pregnancy and birth. Statistically, he’s not the one likely to do most of the childcare. If you aren’t excited and thrilled to have kids then don’t do it.
Think of it this way: you’ve been with your husband for six years. That’s the same amount of years you anticipate having a child will whoop your ass the hardest – do those six years with your husband actually feel like six years, or does it seem more like three years, if that?
Time feels daunting when you contemplate a leap of faith. But when you’re actually in it, it kind of flies by. Now, I’m not going to oversell having kids to you, infancy absolutely sucked for me. That’s the period where you really give the most of yourself, especially if you’re breastfeeding.
But that was only a year. After that, you have a toddler and they’re hilarious. And if your husband isn’t shit, you’ll find ways to both keep the things that make you you. You take turns with the kid/chores.
Like, if course you’re not going to be excited to be pregnant, give birth and have an infant. There’s literally heaps of negatives with that and the few positives are so abstract that you can’t even compute it until you’ve done it. It’s a hard sell for you, it’s an easy sell for a dude. It’s more than reasonable to have doubts about this.
Honestly, unfair to yourself and the kid to have the kid if you’re not into it.
I’d take the time to actually want it, even if that’s never.
Don’t try for a kid you don’t want
You don’t sound like you actually want a child, which is fine, but it isn’t fair to either of you for you to continue to move forward with this if it isn’t what you want.
You should talk to him. You knew it was a plan you two had in the future, but you probably figured you’d be ready when the time actually came. You’re still only 33, and adopotion could be a compromise, or your previous plan needs to change.
5 years? No, (at least) 18 with a kid being the center of your life and even longer considering the concern, emotional energy, etc. It doesn’t stop, really. For example, I’m 62, my mom is 84, and she is still there for me, expresses concern, talks to me regularly, etc.
To me, it sounds like having a kid isn’t something you really want to do. Is that the case? If so, that’s perfectly fine. You just need to tell your spouse how you feel.
You can say no to having a child. It is your body. If you feel that you may want a child, then you need to talk to a therapist or psychologist to figure out what you want as a next step as well as couples counseling to help discuss the feelings you have with your husband, Reddit is not going to help much with this.
Is this really “fear” or is it that you just really don’t want to have a kid? It sounds as though you feel parenthood is an inevitability rather than a choice.
The reason why your husband is eager is because he knows he gets the benefit without doing any of the work. It’s like a child wanting a puppy. Having concerns about how a baby will take up your life and identity is very valid when women are still seen as the sole careers of children even today. It’s part of the reason why I refuse to have them.
Ask yourself if you’d be happy being a single parent, and if the answer is no you need to sit down with your SO and discuss your expectations with him. Of course there’s no guarantee he’ll do those expectations when baby is here but it’s up to you to decide if that’s the risk you want to take.
Don’t talk yourself into bringing a sentiment creature into existence unless you are 100% ready.
I chose to get pregnant even though I never wanted to be pregnant, because the choice isn’t there for women.
However, I was really ready to sacrifice the first 5 years of the child’s life to misery. That’s the thing you do to get what you want in the end. If you feel like already you’re not into it, just wait a few more years. Putting aside fertility issues you can try in a few years.
Now that I’m pregnant I could not have predicted the ways the hormones make me think, and I’m not interested in the way the post-partum hormones will affect me. It’s more than just the labour and misery, it’s how these things affect your body and therefore your outlook. Again, there is no predicting.
I also had a very easy pregnancy, if I had some kind of gestational illness I would have severely regretted it.
I would not say to write it off completely, I would just say park the idea for a few years, but do bear in mind that you have to pull the plug at a certain point if you do want at least one child.
Find a couples therapist and talk it through there. Or get yourself a therapist and try and figure out what you really want, though it sounds like you don’t really want one. Do you not want one at all, or just not right now?
You don’t seem to think there is any positive to becoming a mother. The fact that you are even thinking that you will have to compete with your child for your husband’s attention is interesting too.
Tell your husband the truth which is that you don’t want a child and be fair to him.
A baby will take up a lot of time, and that’s why you need to discuss the division of labour and your needs for personal time. One of the biggest changes I had to adjust to was being unable to just go somewhere. At the very least my husband had to be there with the baby or else I had to bring the baby with me. No more spontaneous trips to shop of go to the cinema. I still watched movies in the cinema, but more planned (“I want to watch movie X this Friday night. You’re okay with that?”) Tuesday evening is my knitting group evening and Friday evening is my husband’s WoW raid evening. There’s plenty if room for you, but you have to take the space.
But if you’re not looking forward to sharing your life with a little one, guide them through life, explore the world together and watch them develop into new versions of themselves, it’s going to be hard when you’re bored out of your mind going to the same playground, reading the same book, wipe their snotty nose for the hundredth time. If you’re not even a little enthusiastic, it’s going to be hard, because it’s hard work. Even with a functional partner who knows their child is 100% their responsibility 24/7 and not just 50%.
You don’t have to do this. You and your husband don’t seem compatible. If you give in to what he wants (not what you want) you’re going to be miserable.
Do not have a child for someone else. It’s okay to not want children
If you’re not eager to have a kiss, DON’T HAVE A BABY.
There are many, many good reasons not to have a baby. The only good reason TO have one is because you WANT one.
I am a mother of a healthy, happy almost-nine year-old. I love him more than life itself, would love the earth for him, he is the centre of my universe. But parenting is HARD, even with all of that love to help me out.
I’m approaching this on the assumption that you do want a child but have a lot of fear about it (understandably). If that’s the case, I was in a similar position and here is what helped:
For pregnancy and birth:
the positive birth company is full of great stories from ordinary people and how they tackled the challenges of pregnancy and birth. It’s a good counter to all the horror stories that fill the internet.
antenatal class, find one local to you and both of you join a class. Honestly the information is useful but the real gem is finding a group of you who will all be entering mat leave at the same time, it’s so much more enjoyable to go through post partum with a tribe.
For the fear of loss of identity:
A more accurate way of defining that ‘loss’ feeling some people report, would be a change. They have essentially changed their identity but change doesn’t have to mean bad things, I would personally characterise my journey as a growth of identity. I still love to do the things I used to do, and I’ve discovered many more things that I love.
pregnancy does change your brain, it’s a biological fact. At about 2 years post partum you will have your ‘normal’ brain again but, I’ve found the experience of becoming a mum enhanced it, just like going through any challenge enhances it. The person who climbs up my Everest is not the same person who comes down. Excitement, loss, elation, and digging so deep that you find a new version of yourself, will change a person… But change doesn’t mean bad.
Re-experiencing the world with a toddler is just fun. Christmas is magical again, attractions are fun, the amount of joy my toddler gets from sorting the recycling makes me almost look forward to bin night. He’s reminded me to appreciate the small things, to be curious, to take joy in the world around me and find a fun game in anything.
My relationship has changed… For the better. My husband is an amazing father. Sure we had tough times, he had to pick up a lot of slack and sleep deprivation kicked out butts. For the most part though, we grew as a team to raise this kid. We’re not perfect, but I’m proud of us. And I think we’re all the stronger for it.
All in all, having a child is a challenge. And just like doing an iron man challenge, or climbing a mountain, or whatever you do to force yourself out of your comfort zone, it’s going to change you. The trick is making sure that it changes you for the positive and that’s where ensuring you have a good support network, feeling informed, and creating an environment where you feel safe matters.
Choosing to have a baby is a very personal choice. Don’t let fear deprived you of that choice. If you choose not to have a baby, make it out of love for yourself and an awareness of what you want from life. Don’t make it out of fear.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Nobody will be mentally ready. I just stopped thinking and started to try and once I was pregnant, the fear resided and I was at peace.
It seems like you have this thought that you SHOULD have kids, because it’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do. But be honest, would that be fair to yourself, your husband and the kid to make this life altering decision even though you don’t want it? Let’s normalize people not wanting kids. It’s not everyone’s dream to be a parent and that’s okay. There’s many ways you can find purpose and fulfillment in your life that doesn’t include raising a child.
I mean…. sounds like you don’t want to have a kid? At least right now.
You’re doing a lot of justification in your post, and to be honest, all your concerns are incredibly valid.
Respectfully, I think it would honestly be worth putting things on pause, doing a lot of inner reflecting (possibly with the help of a professional), and having some very intentional discussions with your husband.
EDIT: this is the same guy who didn’t notice when you went through a SERIOUS, MONTH LONG depressive episode. If he’s not invested in you now, it’s not going to get better once you have kids, and (speaking as someone with a dad like that) he’s not going to be invested in them beyond how good fatherhood looks to other people and what they can do for him. Do not have kids with this man.
I have a 5 week old and everything you have described is accurate of having a child. Don’t have kids unless you’re sure you want them wholeheartedly. I love my son and essentially my whole life right now revolvs around him. That’s the deal.
I’ve never wanted one even though my husband assumed we’d have one. We’ve been together for twenty years and will not be having one. I can’t imagine being talked into something that all consuming unless I had an all consuming need to do it. 🤷🏼♀️ “Men want kids the way kids want puppies,” is TOO REAL. (He is well aware of this and we have talked about it, this isn’t a conflict.)
Don’t have kids if your heart isn’t into it. It’s an incredibly demanding (although rewarding) job.
No child deserves to be unwanted and you cannot hide your regret 100% of the time. Don’t have children for other people or because it’s a societal norm.
It’s very easy for men to have and want children. There’s effectively no risk to them. For women, it’s our lives on the line. Childbirth is not infrequently deadly. It is frequently permanently debilitating in myriad ways that women suffer quietly with.
You are not ready for this if you are questioning.
To toss on the anecdote pile, my mother was fairly apathetic about wanting children and it was fairly obvious by the time I was ~8. We don’t talk anymore.
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. Maybe freeze your eggs. The world is on fire anyway.
https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/Qwxe3IkkWR
Please don’t have a baby. It’s okay to not want one.
Don’t have a child if you don’t want a child. It will literally be the worse decision for you, but the absolute worst for the child. They don’t just grow to be independent at 5 by the way.
Also be aware however if you told your husband you wanted kids before you got married, this might end your marriage so be prepared for that.
It sounds like you might prefer to be childfree.
Having a child is not something you need to talk yourself into. Having kids is not a requirement of grown up life.
If the sentiment for or against having a baby isn’t a resounding “Hell yes!!”, then it’s a no. It’s okay not to want one, but you need to be honest with him. Either way, the life you have now is going to change.
Do you want children?
Children require tremendous sacrifice. Your fears are legit.
But for people that want kids, it’s worth it. For others it’s not.
Your fears are valid. Children will rock your world, change your identity to your core and turn your whole world upside down.
If you’re not into it, it could get bad quickly. If you’re having to talk yourself into having kids, then maybe it’s not the path for you.
This really is something you should talk to a therapist about. There are both upsides and downsides to motherhood but your life and yourself and your relationship will certainly change in big ways. You need to work through your feelings and figure out if having a kid is actually right for you, not brush your concerns aside and have one because you feel pressured.
It honestly sounds like you don’t want kids, and you shouldn’t have them just because your husband does. You say it seems unfair to him… what about what’s fair for you)
You don’t have to have a child you’re not ready for.
Your reasons are why I decided not to have kids.
Did you ever want kids before?
I will just put in my experience herez because everybody seems to be telling you not to have a kid you don’t want.
I have always loved kids. I was the second momma to my siblings. In any gathering I used to endup taking care of somebody’s kid.
But, once I started my job, got married and settled into life, I was scared to have a kid. I remembered how my mother’s life was completely dedicated to making sure we had a good future (she had a good career, but it was hectic). I know I don’t have the strength in me to do the same sacrifices my mother did for me. I knew that it would all be on me once the baby comes. Some of these doubts and fears sprouted from how our ‘settled’ life responsibility shares had been distributed in the household. I couldn’t imagine taking on anymore. I couldn’t imagine my husband being able to take on any more responsibility either.
But then, we had an unexpected loss (I have PCOS, so I never thought I could get pregnant without assistance and this happened 4 years of marriage, where we never deliberately tried a contraception!). I have no idea what happened, but I suddenly got a hope that even I could get pregnant and started seeing a fertility specialist.
My husband started “showing up”. He had a lot to learn biology-wise. And for the first time, I was sure, he is learning what he was getting into. He knew the pain I’m going through. (Scans were quite painful for me). I realised how something so simple for him is not so easy for me. With our doctor’s guidance, we conceived 2 months after our loss. To be honest, I realised how much he wanted this (boosted his confidence in himself, he had always wanted a kid as well) only when I saw him telling everyone about the news.
He knows what a woman’s body goes through. He knows what to expect every week of the pregnancy. He knows what I should be eating or not eating. Overall, he’s as involved in the pregnancy as much as I am going through it. Because of the nature of his work, I know, the responsibilities we are going to share as parents are going to be different. But in a this or that situation, I now know that my husband is ready to be a stay at home dad as well. We talked about all these things.
Honestly, his change is what removed my doubts and fears. I had always wanted to be a mother. But I started doubting whether I want to be a mother to a child with this particular man. Now I’m sure I want to.
How long have you felt this way or known you don’t want kids?
You posted within the last year that you had a major depressive episode and your husband was completely unaware, until he wasn’t.
For 3 days.
After which, your depression ceased to exist to him.
I worry about you having a child when you don’t want to, in any case, but especially with a partner who is this unattentive (or deliberately and conveniently obtuse) to how you are.