I (28F) am very lonely and lacking community in life. I feel guilty saying this because I have some very good friends that I know I can rely on and can reach out to for help if I really need it. I know I am loved and people would miss me if I was gone. But I also feel like no one would notice for days if I was gone, save for if I didn’t show up to work. While I have some very good friends, I have no “circle,” and I am none of my friends’ first or second or near top priority. I want to emphasize I am very grateful for the relationships I do have. But I’m very isolated.
I enjoy my own company and in general enjoy being alone and doing things alone, but I’m alone too often. I work fully remote, and I can easily go days or weeks without seeing anyone or talking to anyone outside of going to a store or buying a coffee. As such I’m really attached to my phone and texting conversations with the friends I do have, and I think being on my phone too much is also emphasizing my loneliness.
A lot of my hobbies are solo hobbies (I crochet, do ceramics, bake, lift weights. I play a pickup team sport but it’s just in the summer so I have a ways to go til then) and I’m caught in a bit of a depressive loop where I don’t feel like I have much energy or the self esteem to make friends. I’m overwhelmingly sensitive right now. It hits me HARD when plans fall through or I feel left out or people say let’s hang out more, I miss you, and I try and it never happens. I understand people have busy lives and it’s not personal. I feel really pathetic and sad and I don’t know how to communicate that to the people I do have in my life because I don’t want to burden them with my lack of social life.
I’m trying, I really am. But honestly, I feel like I do a good job of making myself happy and being on my own. But after waking up alone, sitting on my computer at work alone, doing my hobbies alone, and then going home to bed alone, I’m just so sad. It’s 9pm on a Saturday and I’ve been out all day running errands, working on my art, going to the gym, just to make sure I don’t rot inside, but now I have to go home alone and I’m just so sad. I could go to a bar and have a drink alone but I wouldn’t be any fun and wouldn’t invite any good energy.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve been so lonely and sad and depressed for the past 3 years or so and I thought something would have to give and I’d feel better by now. I’ve made so many changes, picked up new hobbies and moved neighborhoods and done therapy and I just still feel stuck. I’ve been looking for volunteer work but many of my applications are still pending.
I guess I am looking for advice but also encouragement. This doesn’t feel normal to be feeling this way for so long. I know loneliness is common but I’ve been fighting this and trying to improve this for so long, and that does not feel normal.
Comments
Hello.
You sound like you have a nice balance between your ability to recharge (be alone, with your own company and your hobbies) and your friend network.
Perhaps what is really missing is a sense of meaning. I might suggest you think about reaching out in your community to people in need which you can find easily through community networks. For example, you could reach out to the library and read during story hour to little kids. Or you could reach out to a nursing home and see if you can befriend a couple of the residents who don’t have visitors frequently. Or connect with social justice agencies in your community to see if you can find a connection there.
There’s so much aching need in the world that can be solved if one person decides to step into the need. Try to figure out what you’re interested in…. Maybe teach other people how to crochet…. And try to get engaged in your community in a way that gives back.
I’m hoping that you might find your way.
Are you open to adopting a dog or volunteering for an animal rescue group?
Years ago, I was introduced to “puppy raising” for a guide dog school. It changed my life and gave me skills I never would’ve thought possible. 24 years later, I have 2 of my own dogs and a wonderful circle of friends with the common bond of our love of dogs.
Social hobbies like volunteering will expand your circle of supportive friends. Choose you cause. There are others in need you could help.