Hello Everyone. I, 39F, am seeking advice regarding my 2 year relationship with my 43M boyfriend. We both have children from previous relationships. I have 2 daughters, 20F & 15F. My 20 year old daughter is in college out of state, and my 15 year old daughter lives with us 50% of the time.
A little backround before I met my current boyfriend: I was married in the past, but got divorced 6 years ago with my daughter’s father. I lived on my own for a while, with my daughters, until I met my current boyfriend.
My boyfriend also has 2 children from 2 previous relationships. He has a 5M son and a 10F daughter.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now and things have changed dramatically. We’ve been fighting constantly, and neither him, nor I am happy, but I just feel stuck. I feel very attached and anxious letting him go, but I also understandnd that maybe this isn’t the best relationship for me.
I feel like I’ve given a lot of my love, time, and effort to both him and his children. His children are with us half of the time and when they are with us, that’s all I do is tend to his children and do things as a family with him and his children. My daughter is with us 3 days out of the week, and I don’t see the same efforts from him with my daughter. I understand she is a teenager, but I feel like she’s left out a lot because when his kids are over, it’s all about them, and my daughter is just in her bedroom. He doesn’t try to bond with her, and doesn’t make an effort to include her.
There are many issues that have not been resolved in our relationship. I’ve never felt comfortable with the fact that he is close with his ex’s. He keeps in contact with one of his children’s mothers, and the other he puts so much energy into fighting with her.
This has been a problem for me because there has been many instances where I feel like certain boundaries are being crossed, and he values his ex’s opinions over mine.
The most recent argument we had, that ended in our 5th breakup, was because he went to pick up his daughter at his ex’s and stayed and had drinks with her and her husband. Also, wants her son that she shares with her husband to spend the night at our house on Friday, which I had a problem with.
I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that my boyfriend has his ex so present in his life. I feel like he’s pushed my boundaries, as I’ve expressed that I’m uncomfortable with certain things.
Every time I bring up an issue that I have, it always gets turned back on me. Or he will play victim and I’ll feel bad, or he’ll make me feel like I’m crazy!
On top of these issues, I have a problem with his drinking, as it is very excessive. He drinks every night. We are having intimacy issues and I’m not sure if it has to do with the drinking or something else. But he blames me for why we are having intimacy problems, because he feels like I pressure him.
I do deal with insecurities when it comes to our relationship at times because in the beginnning, when we moved in together, he cheated on me. So sometimes I am suspcious and untrusting. He’s apologized for it, and as far as I know, there hasn’t been any issues since.
There is a bachelor party coming up for his friend in Dominican Republic. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him going, and he broke up with me. So I decided to be understanding and let him go because he didn’t care how I felt either way and I didn’t want to lose him.
He says I’m immature because I have issues with the boundaries he has with his ex’s. He says I’m immature. He says he feels pressured. He told me that this isn’t working out and he will talk to our Landlord to give them the move out date when I give him the OK.
At this point, I just feel lost. I don’t know whether to keep trying or just move on. I feel like he isn’t meeting me half way, and doesn’t want to. I feel him being very cold and uncaring. I overheard him talking about enjoying his summer, with his single 40-something year old friend.
What would you do in my situation? Is it time to move on from this or is it worth repairing?
TL:DR living with a man with two little kids, my kids are grown already and seems like he prioritizes everyone else but me. I feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.