Please help. MIL worries so much that everything her adult children do are the main focus of her life. She freaks out and tantrums until she gets her way and they bend to her will or they just hide it until it’s done. We decided not to tell her when husband needed to have emergency surgery because it’s outpatient and the risk was so low it seemed unnecessary for her to freak and possibly fly out here for a routine thing that was done in one day and now he’s back home and life goes on.
One of them called the hospital when I didn’t convince him to call them fast enough once he woke up from surgery, and I’m sure they blame me for that and the illness even though it’s extremely common and had nothing to do with me. When I followed-up that we were home, she insisted on coming to visit us even though he’d canceled her last visit and flew out to see them at their home because it was too much for our marriage to handle at that time and we just wanted to live in peace. Our therapist agreed. After a long day of ER and insurance stress, his family shows they’re clearly blaming me for his not wanting to speak to them even though I tried. She called and said when you’re a mother, you’ll understand that even through my stress that gives my kids anxiety, I still deserve to know things in real time and not just once it’s over.
We weren’t speaking for a year before this happened and the first time we talk, she says this and asks if she can come stay with us for 36 hours and help nurse him to health and check on her son because she’s scared and rattled because of all of this. I said yes. She hurried me off the phone and told me to take care of myself and that she knows I’ve worked hard to do well by him and care for him.
Even though he kept begging me for rest and peace, I woke him up (!!!) because I just couldn’t handle going through this alone and said, your mom is coming. And he said why 🤨. I said because she said so and I’ll understand some day.
I have no idea what to think or feel. I am shocked and I still haven’t figured out whether our distance from his family is permanent or not. He texted his brother for help yesterday morning and he told him to drink some herbal thing and take a nap and he’d be okay. Few hours later we’re at the ER. This means brother actually delayed medical care even though he’s in med school and we also found out he told the family so I then had to spend the day making them feel better and updating them while also doing everything else like calling his boss and mine to make sure they’re good with us being overly cautious and just taking a few days to spend together giving him TLC and working remotely. Plus all the other drama and even taking Zoom calls and filling out reports from the ER.
But that wasn’t enough because they should’ve known it all, and fast. Please help. I’m mad in love for my husband and he feels the same and we have therapy soon but in the meantime I’m lost and I do feel like trash I didn’t tell her pre-surgery. I just couldn’t handle being made to feel responsible for her feelings too on top of ours and everything else. Part of me wants to say “yes” so she can see how happy we are, how cute our home is, how lovely our friends, etc., but then I also had already made the decision to not care what others think of me or the need to “prove” anything. We’re happy, he’s happy, he’s not being held hostage. We just wanted normal respect and boundaries; it’s gotten out of hand because she can’t let any of us breathe.
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I am responsible for managing my own anxiety. Me. Not my kids. Me. If MIL can’t manage her anxiety on her own she needs a therapist and maybe some medicine. You guys bowing to her every whim and wish is not managing her anxiety. Your husband should call her and tell her the visit is off and he will call when he is able. If your kids keep big things like this from you it’s because there is a reason. You need to stop this behavior now because if you have children it will bleed onto them too. Look into the ring theory. All stress should go outward, the people in the center of the ring shouldn’t be comforting the people on the outside of the ring. You will need to be firm with what and when you are willing to give information. Good luck!
I think you and your husband need to decide from this point on what y’all will do if this situation ever arises again in relation to sharing his health information with her. Then he needs to tell her what he expects you to do next time. Has he told her that he no longer needs her to “take care” of him? That’s why he married you! It took my husband getting a little mean, MULTIPLE TIMES with his mom to reinforce that if she didn’t back off he would go NC. Thankfully we live 10 hours away which helps but as you well know, distance doesn’t stop them.
It sounds like you are struggling to maintain boundaries and an info diet, while also taking responsibility for the emotions and feelings of others. Which is not your job.
You knew she would cause nothing but unneeded stress regarding the surgery, so you did not want her informed. Yet somehow, she did know. And now is causing stress.
In the future, you need to STOP telling them things. Not before surgery, not during surgery, not after surgery. They don’t need to know anything about his medical decisions. You aren’t calling friends and announcing this to them. You tell family when you need their support. But your MIL isn’t offering support. She is needing support. So she doesn’t get to be in the supportive inner circle. She finds out things on a “need to know” basis, well after she could cause problems.
I have several doctors in the family. They are useful when something is going on that you don’t know what kind of doctor you should see. When you want a referral to a best-in-field doctor for a tough case. NOT when you want general medical advice, especially outside of their specialty. My family members won’t even offer it, they will instead say “go see a dermatologist/orthopedist/urologist” whatever. You don’t need your BIL for general medical advice, and now you know he is repeating your medical info to the family. So he is out of the inner circle.
This info diet is the most important part, and it is on you and your husband. You are not going to change her behavior. You have to change YOURS.
Beyond that, her anxiety, her emotions, her tears – they are hers. Not yours. She wants to transfer responsibility for her emotions onto you. YOU have to be the one to reject that burden. You cannot solve her anxiety, fix what is broken in her. You just cannot. So don’t let her make you believe you are responsible for making her happy. You didn’t make vows to her. You made them to your husband. You don’t live your life with her. You live it with your husband. Your responsibility, your commitments, are to your home. Don’t set yourself on fire, just to please the un-pleasable. Who aren’t even part of your day to day life. YOU have to break out of this. SHE won’t stop doing what she is doing, saying what she is saying. YOU have to have the backbone to say “I’m sorry you are upset, but DH and I are focused on doing what is best for our family now. Good bye.”
Your MIL weaponized concern and care to disguise her high need for control and domination.
You are not obligated or required to tell them anything, to prove anything to his family, and uou are married… you do not need their approval or for them to like you.
If she is trying to bulldoze you in a vulnerable position, block her number. She can try to come out… dont open the door. She has exactly as much power over you as you give her.
Their messages are pixels. They dont actually hurt you. You hurt yourself by denying your worth and doubting your place as #1 in your husbands life. His family is enmeshed and none of them are trustworthy if they all live in fear of your MILs tantrums. What is the worst she can do? Scream? Cry? Are you in physical danger?
Something I thought about late.. if EVERYONE is willing to tolerate your MILs behavior, why wouldn’t they tolerate yours? She makes their life a nightmare, you are just living your own. They will try to placate her but if you refuse to participate in the blame and toxic emotional abuse, they will all eventually get over it and move on. These people are afraid to stand up to your MIL because she isnt reasonable and she is stubborn. Be a brick wall and they will tire themselves out.
I highly suggest individual therapy if you’re not already in it. You cant be responsible for other people’s behaviors, feelings, or expectations. You are responsible for yours and you’re letting yourself down.
Ask yourself: based on how everyone behaves, if they never change, what involvement do you want to allow then in your life? Not what would you ideally like, what is actually possible?
Be yourself. Take care of you and your husband. Start blocking numbers if they harass you.
I really feel for you and your husband! This behavior is so familiar to me. We also chose not to tell MIL that her son was having surgery. She knew it would happen at some point and had insisted we call once we knew, but once it was actually scheduled, we did not inform her. It was a relatively serious surgery, he was having part of his lung removed, and would be in the hospital for a week afterwards. The absolute last thing he wanted was his mother there. He didn’t feel like he’d recover well with her hovering and I didn’t want her stressing me or our small children out. She did not have a track record of being of any help at all through DH’s ordeal, which had been ongoing for 2 years at that point. Even when I desperately needed her help, she would bolt the second she saw her son in pain, tell me I had things well in hand, and she would leave me juggling 15 million things alone. I learned how to do it all without relying on anyone and it was better that way for noth Dh and I. So DH made it through his surgery great, hospital stay went well, and just as we were packing up to leave the hospital, he called his mom and told her it was all done and he was ok. Instead of being relieved or happy for him and us, she flipped out and started yelling at him. She was mad she didn’t get to know, mad she didn’t get to inform all her relatives and get lots of attention for HIS ordeal, and that was it. She hung up on him and didn’t contact us again for months. She never once asked about his recovery. For the facade of worry and the expressed desire of needing to be there for her son, she didn’t actually care about him at all. She cared only that she wasn’t centered in the health upheaval of another person. We made the right decision in not telling her. And I think you made the right decision too. Don’t let your MIL twist things and make you view it differently. You were right to honor your nervous system and that of your mates.
You and your husband are a team. Create your own bubble and block out the noise. You can only focus on each other, especially with something critical like a medical emergency that has a lot of moving parts to juggle. Save your energy and brain power for taking care of the immediate things day by day. Sharing information with her is only adding stress to the two of you. Nobody else needs to weigh in on your decisions. Don’t let her big feelings make you question yourself.
I have a mother with untreated anxiety who firmly believes that worrying equals caring. Which means the burden is on my sibling and me to make her feel better, and since we don’t play along she gets upset. That’s on her to manage her emotions, and I have told her so bluntly many times. Since she’s not going to change, my sibling and I unofficially tag team who gets to deal with her. I struggle more because I’m not so zen and I keep expecting her to improve and adapt and actually follow through when she says she will do anything for me. My sibling is more accepting and realistic and has to help me rein in my frustration at our mom’s anxiety.
Glad to hear you have therapy lined up and that you already feel otherwise happy in your life with your husband. You already have the foundation and the tools in place, now it’s just a matter of working out a new normal for yourselves. Good luck!