Husband travels for work 4-5 days a week. I am fortunate to work from home, but I’m currently juggling two contract roles as well as our child being home for summer vacation, plus a high energy dog. He does well, but not well enough for me to stay at home, and both of my jobs demand a fair amount of time.
I feel like I’m drowning and not receiving a ton of grace. Our sex life is nonexistent and he makes a considerable amount of jabs about it. He is grumpy when he’s home because he is tired from a week of travel, and I’m exhausted from handing everything (the house, the jobs, the paperwork for school, the homework during the school year, the entertainment, the bills, and truly zero personal time).
Our LO idolizes their dad and of course I’m the bad guy because I handle the majority of the parenting. I’m becoming so resentful towards him because I want to be fun mom but I am at max capacity at all times. Whenever I try to vent to him, he treats me like a sibling and switches the conversation to him and his travels and how lonely it is…but he has zero responsibility outside of work 5 days a week.
Is there anything that can be done to fix this? Has anyone been through a situation like this and come out stronger? I see a therapist biweekly but he refuses, he says he doesn’t need therapy. I just feel so lost and sad.
Comments
If he truly has “zero responsibility” outside of working, and he just lays around all weekend while you hustle… best case scenario is marriage counseling but I don’t know how much someone who can watch their partner work and parent while sitting on their ass can change.
Can you take a couple hours off completely on the weekend?
Or can you let some of the housework slide and he can help on the weekend?
Can you play for extra help in any area?
Can you afford to send your kid to day camps? Sometimes the city/town you live in has very affordable options run at the schools or parks. It’s unreasonable to expect to do your jobs and take care of all household duties and childcare with zero help. Summer is probably almost over but look into this for next year if you haven’t.
Regarding your husband, you need to sit down and reassess the responsibilities of the household. He needs to take some of them on. You might need to do this in marriage counseling if he’s willing to go.
What is he doing to save his obviously sinking marriage? What is he doing to be a partner. You both have one oar on this boat. If you row harder when he’s slacking, you only go in circles. If he keeps poking holes in the boat, you don’t bail harder, you get your own boat.
Slow down, don’t work harder. Focus on your child (she needs care) and yourself. Match his energy on the relationship front, that’s a ball that’s not just yours to keep in the air.
If he was willing to, would you do couples therapy? Or do you just want… out at this point?
From your other comments, it sounds like he is blaming you entirely for everything and not willing to do anything to make it better. I think you know what you want to do deep down.
The fact that he is claiming that therapy does not work for him (as per your other comment) means that he is unwilling to change or try to do better.
My analogy is – you each contribute half of 100% to your relationship. If one of you is unwilling to put in the work (i.e. your husband refusing to accept his part or go to therapy), your relationship is maxing out at 50%. You BOTH need to be willing, otherwise you will not progress further – so you need to decide if you can accept your current dynamic of 50% or not.
Things to consider: Does your husband add anything to your home life right now? Will anything feel significantly harder if you were on your own? What is the relationship costing you emotionally at the moment?
How old is the child? Sign them up for an extracurricular activity and Dad can take them. Then that time is yours to do whatever you want.
I don’t know if this is an option for you, but for me cutting back to 2/3 of my work hours and hiring someone to clean the house was a game changer for my marriage.