I’m sure many others have been in the same situation as me but I am really struggling with what to do here and would love some guidance.
I (36M) have been with my wife (33F) for 10 years, and we have a 2.5 year old daughter and 5 month old son. Our daughter has a very strong preference for me, and always has, which is obviously hard on my wife. She is also an extremely high energy and stubborn kid so engaging with her takes a lot of energy and mental strength. Since our son has been born, we’ve basically ended up splitting duties – i mostly look after our daughter and my wife looks after our son. I work full time and spend my time after work playing with our daughter before putting her to sleep. She doesn’t sleep well so i’m up multiple times throughout the night (my wife sleeps in a separate room with our son). We have just finished renovating our house, and we split household duties evenly – i cook and she cleans. The combination of working, sleep depravation, parenting and house work has left me pretty burnt out and drained, and she has noticed this and is sad that our relationship isn’t what it was. I’m the first to admit that sometimes I can be kind of grumpy, overwhelmed and emotionally drained, and therefore struggle to meaningfully engage with my wife like we used before the second kid was born. We very rarely have any time with just the two of us and we have ended up in a “roommate” situation – which has left her feeling lonely and upset. She says that at the moment her needs aren’t being met (which I totally get), and that she can’t be in a relationship like this forever, but i’m really struggling to find the energy switch gears.
I’m hoping that things get easier as our kids get older, but I think she needs to see a change right now. I’m looking for advice from other people who have been in similar situations – how did you get through this period? What changes should I try to make to improve things?
Comments
Why are you not parenting as a group? Why are the kids being separated by who “takes care” of them?
Parenting is a joint responsibility, you should’ve known this and accepted this before you had kids. Did you just assume it would work itself out? Like cmon.
This whole post you’re using your kids personalities as an excuse to why you can’t just be a dad? Play, enforce rules, etc. as a group. You and your wife should be working together for both kids.
Read up on some parenting knowledge or go to some classes or something. Clearly you were uneducated prior to having a kid.
Once you can leave the kids with a babysitter you need to actually do that and take an evening off. You’re like this because you literally are not getting any breaks.
Schedule date nights. Get a babysitter you trust and go out. Get a lock on your bedroom door, kid movies downstairs. Get a hotel if you can get family to take them from time to time.
It gets better as they get older but you also have to work at maintaining relationships or surprise it’s gone once the kids are older.
This is totally normal when you have two young kids. Find time any time when they are not needing you to connect for 15 mins a day if needed just to check in and give each other some time together. You are going to be tired, grumpy and this is the hard part. If you don’t stay working on the relationship it will cause issues. Ask her what her needs are so you can reach them. Also let her speak to what is not going well and see if you can do anything to help with that.
It sounds like you need to be making time for each other, sure it’s hard; but finding a way to do it will keep you together in the long run.
Use a family or a friend to babysit and talk to out and do whatever you want, end up in a hotel and get to it!
People forgot that being a parent isn’t the only thing in your life, you need to find ways to make time to be yourself.
If taking care of your daughter’s too draining, then you need to organize a way for you to not do that right when you get home from work.
Doesn’t matter the age of a child, there is always “some way” for y’all to be alone together. Like put the kids in a room with toys and leave them for half an hour.
The 2.5 year old needs to go to preschool. Wife needs a job. FTFY.
Hi! Not a man, but we have four kids and I can definitely relate. I can also attest that this phase is NOT forever (think “the days are long but the years are short”).
At 2.5 years old your daughter should not be that much of a burden at night (but it happens!). Schedule a doctor’s appointment for her to discuss with proper sleep training methods because your rest is a priority. You cannot begin to meet other people’s needs until yours are met.
Something my husband and I do is a MINIMUM of one night a week we put the kids to bed and we have a cup of tea and cuddle on the couch. Watching your favorite show or movie is good, but talking is even better! Or take turns giving each other a massage. If we have an important topic (like specific needs) we’ll give each other a heads up so no one feels ambushed.
Almost DAILY we like to hang out while the other one showers or shower together and we’ll take turns discussing 3 things that happened to us that day and how they made us feel. The key is to just listen and validate each other, not fix anything negative, maybe have a laugh together!
Kids or not, your relationship was bound to evolve as people change with time and experiences. Just take small steps and ALWAYS give each other a little kiss before either of you leaves the house. I’m rooting for you two!
Sleep in the same bed as your wife. Train your kids to sleep in their bed/crib.
You’re ‘in the fog’ right now because of the youngest. That’s temporary.
This part WILL pass, I promise you. (We have 7 kids.)
Start doing little things for each other during the day. “What can I do to help you today?” Goes a long way. Let little things go. Who cares if the dishes don’t get done until morning. Let the laundry pile it. It’s okay.
When trying to be perfect parents with a perfect house all the time is when we started to get stressed out. No one can do it all and something has to give. Let it be the little things, like picking up. (Not saying let your house get gross.)
It’s also okay to tell your kids that this is Mom and Dad’s time to be together and they need to go play by themselves for a bit. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves. You’re not a bad parent if you don’t entertain them 24/7.
When our kids were smaller, we would feed them a very early dinner, especially on a weekend, then put the kids to bed early. Then we would have a nice dinner later. Like a date, but at home.
My mom’s best advice for me was don’t fit your life around the babies, make their lives conform to yours.
I’m proud that you are both clearly overwhelmed, but you are still communicating. That is a big step in not growing resentful.
Hey, it sounds like overall you’re doing great! Keep it up, Dad!
My recommendation – get a sleep coach. There are some amazing ones out there that will get your little girl sleeping through the night within a week or less. There is no need to suffer needlessly. Good sleep is one of the best gifts we can give our kids, and it doesn’t come naturally to all people/kids.
I’m over here a success story – went from waking up 3-6x a night to my kid sleeping 11-12hrs through the night. It. changes. everything.
>Since our son has been born, we’ve basically ended up splitting duties – i mostly look after our daughter and my wife looks after our son.
Red flag. Both of them are your (the couple’s) children. While his needs may center on mom, especially if she is breastfeeding, you need to take an active role in caring for him in any area where you can. She doesn’t need to just let you handle the “high energy and stubborn” daughter. She has to be able to parent both kids, as do you, and it can’t be a “your responsibility” or “her responsibility” solution. This will lead to resentment, not just between the two of you, but the kids too when they pick up on it.
>my wife sleeps in a separate room with our son
Nope. You married her, not the kids; the two of you need to get back into the same bed and the kids need to sleep through the night. At 2.5, your daughter shouldn’t be waking up at night, and doing so shouldn’t automatically result in daddy coming in. As soon as your son is sleeping through, he needs to be able to go back to sleep without rocking, patting, etc.
>The combination of working, sleep depravation, parenting and house work… pretty burnt out and drained… relationship isn’t what it was… kind of grumpy, overwhelmed and emotionally drained… struggle to meaningfully engage…
Again, you’ve divided and failed to conquer and it has taken a toll on both of you. Tell her it’s time to act like a married couple again. You’re on the path to raising little tyrants who realize they set the tone and the schedule, and as servants, you’re never going to connect.
You’re doing a good job. Being a good parent is a big sacrifice.
Every relationship is different but me and my partner went through exactly what you describe.
Eventually the kids become semi independant and things improve (around age 4) – But you need to accept that you are primarily parents in the meantime. No amount of date nights and romantic gestures will dull this reality lol.
Have a good talk with your wife about how you can make more room for your relationship. Approach the problem as a team — that in itself is a bonding activity
Making room for your relationship could mean a lot of things:
Some of these are going to be tough since your youngest is so small. But they will get easier over time. Still, it’s worth talking about this with her and being on the same page about trying to prioritize your relationship.
Be honest with her about your feelings but be careful not to say anything hurtful in the moment due to stress/being tired, them being young and extra needy is temporary, eventually both of them won’t want to spend much time with either of you.
Maybe try to not always sleep in different rooms so you two can have some you time, even if it’s just cuddling.
Another thing that helps is if you have any friends that can help while you’re both still at the house if leaving them alone with a babysitter isn’t an option.
P.S. talk with a pediatrician about options/possible solutions for your daughter if she’s constantly getting up at night and not sleeping well, you might be training her to get up at night and act out so she gets what she wants (attention/you).
Can you afford to get someone to clean once a week to give you both a break?
Personally, I wouldn’t recommend giving significantly more time or attention to one child over the other. It may feel practical in the short term, especially with young children, but over time it can create resentment and rivalry between siblings. It also risks sending unintentional messages like one child being seen as “special” or favored which can shape how they form relationships later in life. A child who grows up feeling isolated by a parent’s exclusive attention might struggle to recognize or expect healthy, reciprocal love in adulthood.
It’s so important that both you and your wife build strong, individual bonds with both of your children. I’ve been in a similar place- there was a period when I was struggling with my mental health, and during that time, my partner spent much more time with our daughter. But I got help (through therapy), and I made it a priority to really engage with her on her terms. We bonded through things like playing Barbies, Minecraft, painting- whatever helped us connect.
Honestly, part of the challenge for me was realizing that she thinks a lot like her dad, so he naturally “got” her in a way I didn’t at first. I had to take a step back and accept that she processes the world differently than I do and that’s okay. That shift in mindset made a big difference.
If your wife is open to it, therapy can be a game-changer. It helped me learn grounding techniques and develop the tools I needed to be a more present, emotionally balanced parent. It could be a supportive space for her to work through her own stress or overwhelm.
Also, I’d strongly suggest redefining how you divide your time with your kids. There shouldn’t be an obvious “favorite” for each parent. Both children deserve meaningful relationships with both of you.
Lastly, make sure you’re both getting time to recharge- not just separately, but together too. You can easily lose yourselves in the intensity of parenting young kids. Making space for yourselves as individuals and as a couple is not selfish, it’s essential.
Two immediate thoughts.
Your daughter is too old to have irregular sleep. I’m sure the new baby has thrown her off. That said, it sounds like she is training your sleep when it should be the other way around.
Share more duties with the other child. You should have two joint jobs instead of two separate ones.
33M and married 12 years to my wife(32F).
You are listening to your wife’s needs and open to them. You guys are cooperating and getting through the days (even if just barely!). There are a lot of green flags in what you wrote.
You are in the hardest phase of parenting.
There are people here being negative and invalidating, which I would recommend ignoring. You are in the thick of it, and its only going to get easier! Especially after the first two years of your youngest. My two oldest play together, which helps a lot.
Your relationship will recover imho, if only based on your receptiveness to her feelings and desire to fix it. Right now, you guys need to find a routine that works for the long haul. Do you have any family or community in the area you can trust with the kids for a while (few hours at a time)?
When you and the wife were good, in what contexts did you enjoy spending time together? For example, my wife and I always enjoy long car trips where we can talk and plan our future. Its incredibly restorative.
Do you tell her you appreciate her? How often? At least 3-6 times a day, sincerely of course, in this season would be a safe general range.
Do you do anything just for her? Clean her car, buy her a treat from the store, the old-fashioned dozen roses, etc? Anything to let her know that you see her, you love her, its just a rough time right now.
Do you know her love language? Talk to ChatGPT about the Five Love Languages. Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, and quality time.
> I’m the first to admit that sometimes I can be kind of grumpy, overwhelmed and emotionally drained
You are self aware of your shortcomings, which is a great sign! What are the triggers for those behaviors? Do you need 15 minutes to decompress after work? Do the kids need to be put in bed earlier?
How long does it take to put the baby down to sleep? If its a huge effort, check out “The Happy Sleeper”. This book will change your lives if bedtime is a disaster. It sounds like your daughter is struggling to self-soothe at night, which this book also addresses.
Do you guy and your wife spend time at night together? My wife(32F) and I(33M) have couch time after bedtime. We are both on the couch, watching a show or on our phones, mentally spent but physically together. In this season, its the best we can do (my kids are ages 8, 5, and 1).
Your wife sharing with you that she feels sad is a really great thing. That means she misses you and wants to be with you. What’s bad about that? You just need help (which you are getting partly by posting this!), and things will work out. Keep communicating with your wife, love her (love is a verb, not a feeling!), and you guys will make it through.
Also, can’t recommend ear plugs enough. I got noise cancelling airpods because of our second lol
I’d recommend trying couples counseling and just opening up and talking to your partner about your honest feelings. Earlier is better. I wish I had someone telling me this advice just a few months ago. For real, it’s worth trying if you haven’t already. In my opinion
I bet she would be SO happy if you found a babysitter for you guys.
Like, don’t make her do it.
Ask your colleagues if they have kids who would babysit. Or even if one of your colleagues has a parent – (younger) grandmas are great too.
I have 2 sons, 19 and 15, and am happily married 21 years. It’s very tough on a relationship when they are young. You almost get into survival mode. It’s helpful to understand that a marriage isn’t a straight line. There are ups and downs, times when you will be able to spend more time together and times when you’ll spend less. Know that the cycle will right itself, and this is important, as long as you approach it as a team. When either of you starts focusing on what’s only in it for them then the relationship is in trouble. A few things you can do:
Do not separate the kids after work with one of you being with one and the other with the other. This is family time. Your daughter may very well prefer you, possibly as a result of mom having to spend more time during the day with your son or her being the one to have to say “no” all day when you aren’t there, but she doesn’t dictate what the family does. Make sure the things you do are as a family.
Please, god, get a sitter periodically so you can have time for yourselves. There are 4 Saturday’s a month (or Sundays). 1 is for family time, one is for mom and dad time (with a sitter for the kids) one is for mom (when dad watches the kids) and one is for dad (when mom watches the kids).
You can both get through it if you stick together.
Here is my take. You need to
Make each other the priority some how. Put the kids down for a nap, get a sitter or friend to stay with the kids for a couple of hours minimum once a week. Check in with each other and then focus on the kids.
Find time every day be it coffee together in the morning, washing dishes after dinner, or even folding laundry together. Just look for and take any small opportunity you can get.
I known it’s a difficult thing to do but it will help strengthen the relationship.
The best thing you can do is to love your wife (and she you) first. Make it clear to your children that you are a unit in everything.
Of course you love your children but if your relationship with your wife doesn’t come first everything can come apart from there.
She’s told you her needs aren’t being met, so now it’s your turn to think about and then tell her how she can help you meet her needs. Presumably you’d already be doing it if you were able, right?
One parent should be able to handle both kids for an evening to give the other a break. This goes for both of you. Babysitters are great, but date night shouldn’t be the only time each of you gets to rest a hot minute.
What has your wife done to spice things up? She’s on maternity leave. When you come home from work, you do 50% of the housework and child rearing, and she still thinks you’re not doing enough. That’s not really fair to expect you to do all that and single handedly revive your romantic relationship.
Like others have said, work on the sleep issue with your daughter and move back into the same bed as your wife. Unlearn the habit of you take one kid, and she takes the other. Get a sitter and plan a date night. Bang her in the car on your way home.
Number one issue is sleeping in different beds… you guys need to connect at night and maintain that anchor. Sleeping in different beds rarely works in strong relationships. Couples NEED that physical intimacy of simple touch to keep that connection.
If your son is old enough to sleep alone she needs to stop sleeping in his room because it’s going to cause bigger issues down the road…
That whole step in its self is going to be a massive undertaking…
As a man with a partner with 4 kids ages ranging from 10-3, it gets better. Kinda have to prioritize yourselves at times. The kids will be ok no matter what, I’m sure you two will make sure of that. But take time to decompress together and separately. It’ll help. Kids and adulting sucks lol.
Fix your sleep hygiene. Your oldest should be hands off for 10’12 hours night after night and your youngest is about to start needing that structure. Precious Little Sleep is a great resource to teach you how to do this.
It works nice but you need to purposefully swap kids sometimes to allow bonding the other way.
You and your wife are feeling overloaded because you are overloaded. You’re at the point that my wife and i are just coming out of. Communicate clearer than you feel you need to. Tell her that things are hard right now but it’s temporary and there’s no one else you’d rather be going through this beautiful struggle with than her. Tell yourself that too. Over the next few months as you get sleep hygiene figured out and newborn gets further out of the 4th trimester, make time for each other to decompress, just watch a movie together after kids are in bed, things that don’t require much commitment. Then get back to dating each other.
You’re in what I believe to be the hardest stage of starting a family, and so is your wife. It’s you and her vs struggles, not you vs her. Just keep going.
Transitioning to independent sleep to sleep in the same bed as your wife would help a lot
Similar situation here, but we are a little older (42m here, wife is 36), been together 11 years with a 2.3 year old daughter and nearly 4 month old son. My daughter prefers me to cuddle before bed and my wife takes care of my son more since she is breastfeeding him. You and I have a lot of similarities!
Anyhow, in my research about this, it is important to sleep in the same bed as her, if you can. Find a way. Also, make sure you have SOME one on one time together every day, whether it is 10 minutes to talk about your day or watch a show together. Also plan for time away from the kids. We have a friend with a toddler whose parents can watch her kid while she babysits ours. Our toddler plays well by herself with toys and we have a rolling bassinet that the baby can be put down, so we just plan a date night to leave a little bit before the kids need to be asleep, so the babysitter is really only dealing with the kids for an hour or two MAX. We don’t go out as often as we should, but there were no major issues when our friend watched our kid or when my sister and her boyfriend did. You CAN have them babysat at this age!
As for my wife’s jealousy over my toddler daughter preferring me for cuddling, I give them space when it is her turn to do the night time routine. I may quietly sit across from them or on the other side of the room, which seems to be good enough for my toddler and she doesn’t yell for me. I also pointed out to my wife that there will be times when my daughter is older that she will likely prefer HER over me, it will ebb and flow with both of them. Would it be better for us to get jealous of the other and become resentful each time it happens? Or would it be better to just let each parent have their moment in the sunshine? As parents, we really cannot always control if the kids have a favorite from time to time. But we can try to balance it out, so I want her to have more one-on-one time with our daughter and I want more one-on-one time with my infant son.
Keep searching for solutions! I sure as heck don’t have it all figured out, but we’ll get there! You’re doing great!