Parents disapproving marriage

Me 36M and partner 34F got engaged and getting ready to marry in 3 months. We have been together for almost 5 years now.

3 years back we had a fall out due to her behaviour during a family gathering with family friend from overseas. She pulled a long face and was unhappy during the dinner especially during the time i was speaking to 16 year old female who was the family friends daughter. I was speaking to her as a friendly gesture about her experience with her vacation here so far. My partner apparently had trust issues with me that time as it was the ‘early stages’ of the relationship. My parents noticed her behaviour and just took note of it. We patched back after the incident after she told me she would change.

Since then she went through my phone without asking me and questioned me about the only the females that I have messaged who were either my friends for many years or colleagues at work that I have normal conversations with. Then, in the last year that had gradually reduced.

My partner stayed with me my parents place for 1 week and often wakes up at 10 which made my parents felt that she doesn’t work that much. During that they also felt that she doesn’t clean after herself. My mom told her about it and since then my partner avoided visiting my parents whenever possible.

During the time we lived together (5mins drive from my parents), whenever I drove past my parents house – maybe 2 to 3x a month to drop dinner off she would find excuses not to go in to say hello. My parents did not complain to me but always asked where is she. I often told them she is on the phone with a client etc. My family didnt explicitly told me if I should tell her to at least come say hi.

Cohabiting with her has been relatively okay. She does the cooking and I did most of the cleaning and the other house work. She WFH but her work seem to be similar to a part time hours and usually wakes up at 10 or 11. I do full time hours work in the hospital. I haven’t had any relationship troubles with her and get along well with her family. I like her kind patient and bubbly personality, I know that she looks after her family and she does show a lot of care for them.

In the recent last 3 months, we have been getting ready for the marriage due in 3 months, we had a family meeting between hers and mine, organised venues etc. Initially the family didnt request wedding dowry then subsequently after my partner said to her parents that we went Dutch with bills they changed their mind and said dowry is now required for cultural tradition (90 to 95% of all of the expenses were paid by me though). My parents acceded to their request anyway.

About 1 week ago, my mom requested a time to go visit her parents to give the dowry and jewellery in person but was told that bank transfer is sufficient. She insisted on meeting face to face as a respect but was met with resistance. She then bought dinner for us and she drove by to my place to drop it off. Again my mom broach the subject of needing to meet her parents and my partner told her they are really busy etc could not meet. My partner then pulled a long face and sighed twice in front of her and took a few steps back. That triggered my mom and she immediately took off and went home. My mom waited for an apology from her but none came. My partner didn’t think that she would be this angry, I have asked her to apologise but she felt she had not done any wrong.

After 5 days, my mom has decided to withdraw her support for this marriage. She felt disrespected by the constant rejection to meet up to give the dowry in person as well as the attitude that my partner given. My family is now against it and has started to pour their own observations out (mainly negative experiences). I asked why they have not told me so she could have time to improve on those. They response were ‘these are things that are expected in the 30s’ e.g. an apology to my mom does not need to be told by someone else etc.

I called her family to discuss the matter and they immediately tried to speak to my mom. Now conversations are only held over the phone. After all that, my partner apologised to my family yesterday, my mom accepted her apology but said that the scar in the relationship is irreconcilable and she remains firm against the marriage saying that if she has not changed in the last 3 years, she would not change after marriage and ending in a divorce is the worst outcome. My mom told me should I choose to marry her, then the family would not include me.

I am very torn between her and my family. She promised she would change this time but it is very difficult being pressured over a short period of time. Her family are concern given her age and wanting me to make decision asap.

I am still unable to give up the relationship at the same time I am also aware of the points my family are making. I would appreciate some perspective in this situation. Thank you.

TLDR: partner passive aggressive attitude and her family resistance for my mom to personally deliver dowry by hand have crossed the breaking point and led to rejection to our marriage. My mom felt the disrespect and remains firm with her decision.