Admittedly, I do have a drinking issue that I have been working on… am I 100% successful all of the time? No. But I do keep on trying. Anyways, my parents picked me up from my apartment when they noticed I was slurring words on the phone.
Now they’re trying to strong arm me and say “either go to treatment or stay with us,” and I’ve been to treatment. It doesn’t stick. I do however attend AA and meet with a therapist.
They say if I don’t do the two above options they’re out of my life.
Well, I own a business, pay for an office, pay for my apartment, car, electric, food… everything. It’s not like they pay my bills. I can understand their worry but until I have real world exposure every option they’ve brought up is temporary.
How do I just up and leave without them telling me I’m out of their life?
I’ve been at their house for two weeks now and it’s killing me that I’m paying for an empty apartment ($2100/mo)
I’m trying to do all of the things. But living under their roof is no longer term solution. All it does is buy them a nice night of sleep at the expense of my mental health. I’m not actually progressing.
I posed to them “what am I to do if this is an issue and you both die?”
I feel like I need to learn the tools, make the mistakes & do it all on my own with the help of AA, not the help of being coddled by mommy and daddy.
Oh the worst part is I’ve been conned into paying for every meal while I’ve been here. My chores are to pay for the food, cook & clean.
Fuck, just thinking about it makes me want to drink.
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It seems like your best option here is to quit drinking.
The answer to your question is that they can not force you to live with them. What they can do is cut you out of their lives.
Are they more important to you than alcohol? Get into therapy. Call one of your parents every time you start wanting a drink and don’t hang up until the feeling has passed. Get a hobby to take your mind off of it.
Contact the police and tell them that you’re being held against your will, they will come and charge your parents with kidnapping and put them into prison
If they want to cut you off, then let them. Maybe if they stop pressing you, and treating you like a baby, you won’t NEED to drink! They have to let you try on your own, and if you fail, then you fail.
Your comment about “just thinking about it makes you want to drink again” is weak AF. That isn’t THEM…it’s YOU!
Simply say to yourself “I need to beat this, and drinking is not the answer”. Try HARD to find something else to occupy your time, and DO. THAT. THING.
You can’t stay under your Parents’ thumb though, so if they don’t want to talk to you, then so be it, but it’s stupid to pay for an apartment that you aren’t living in, and also pay for shit at THEIR house too! Come on…MAN UP!
LEAVE, go to YOUR house, and put a plan together that proves that you are an ADULT! They can’t make you do anything!
Good luck!
I’m a lot older. Over the years, I rarely drink, never in excess. My one brother is an alcoholic. He holds down employment, and was successful until about 4 years ago. He’s on wide #3, with kids with her. The patterns are the usual neglect and abusive behaviors drinking leads to. There were 3 major events where he stopped being allowed to be around my child without me there. This isn’t just me.
He refused to include me, and tried insisting they stay over with their cousin. Nope.
He doesn’t see that he has a problem, because he has a successful career and money.
About 3 years ago the changes to his brain were becoming a problem. He was fired from his lucrative job. He got another job. But no where near where he has been.
He was very handsome (seriously was), but the changes in his thinking affected his choices further.
He actually looks a lot like Homer Simpson now. People comment on it behind his back. I had thought it was just me thinking it, because his behavior is so ugly.
I’ve had nothing to do with him for 4 years personally. Outside of social media posts.
The only thing that can get someone to give up addiction is losing something else they want more.
Do you prefer alcohol and coming to real terms with it, over your parents?
You can say it however you want. My brother has chosen alcohol over family, 2 wives, his kids, an employer. He makes it sound like he has no problem. The closer a person is to him, it becomes impossible to ignore.
>How do I just up and leave without them telling me I’m out of their life?
You don’t. You can stay with them, you can check yourself in for treatment, or you can leave and let them go their own way. Those are your 3 options but it is your call.
>I’ve been at their house for two weeks now and it’s killing me that I’m paying for an empty apartment ($2100/mo)
Sunk cost fallacy. You’re paying that either way.
>I posed to them “what am I to do if this is an issue and you both die?”
You’re an alcoholic orphan either way. They can’t force you to do anything, the most they can do is pressure you. But at least they can go to their graves knowing they tried to use the tiny amount of leverage they do have.
>I feel like I need to learn the tools, make the mistakes & do it all on my own with the help of AA, not the help of being coddled by mommy and daddy.
Then leave. Don’t ask them to watch you destroy yourself; that’s too much to ask of any parent. But try to leave a door open for the future. I suspect you are going to need it.
Go to rehab.
You can’t control them, you can only control you.
Leave. Do the best you can in your life. If they choose to stay out of your life until you quit drinking for good, that is their choice.
I was an alcoholic (29m) and I’ll be sober for 2 years in June. I’d say leave. You seem to have enough money to support yourself. You need to draw a hard line about money here. You’re wasting thousands monthly on an apartment you cannot occupy. Either your parents pay to cut that lease to save you money or you move back in. They cannot make demands without a plan to actually help you. No alcohol in the house, pay to break your lease, ECT.
You’re an adult, you can make your decisions and so can your parents. If they are not willing to work with you, I’d say cut your losses and take care of your responsibilities. If they do not want to be in your life they will leave. If they’re genuinely understanding, it’ll work out.
As for staying sober, that’s sadly on you. I cannot help that much but I can encourage you to attend meetings, rehab if you need it and find a support network that can help when you genuinely need it.
Look, man, your parents love you and are trying to keep you healthy and safe. If you love drinking more than you value having parents, you know where the door is.
“How do I just up and leave without them telling me I’m out of their life?”
You up and leave and tell them you’re out of their lives. You’re an adult, they don’t have the right to force you to live with them.
Go back to your own apartment. Continue working on your sobriety. You can’t do it for them. It has to be for you. I’m sure they love you, but it seems like they can’t see that how they are handling the situation is unhealthy. Good luck!
Ok, I say this as the daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics.
I staged an intervention with my mum when I was 26. That day I told her that I couldn’t handle this anymore and that if she wanted any sort of relationship with me she HAD to stop drinking.
I didn’t say this because I was controlling, or because I didn’t understand how hard that is. I said this because I meant it. I couldn’t watch mg mother drink herself to death anymore. I couldnt keep picking up the pieces. I couldn’t spend any more nights sobbing into my pillow worrying about her being drunk alone.
To her eternal credit, she has never touched a drop since, ten years on, and we’re closer than ever.
I say this so you can maybe understand the desperation they’re feeling to say something like this. I’m sure I did a lot of things very wrong when trying to help my mum stop drinking, but every single one of them was done because I love her and didn’t want to lose her.
Alcohol is a thief. Listen to them, they love you and they are trying to save you from yourself. My ex was an alcoholic. He destroyed our company, our home, our marriage. Our children are adults, they have both had to get sober for health reasons. Their dad passed away last year and no one knew for weeks. What a nice legacy for our children. Quit while you still can.
Please go to treatment.
My soon to be ex husband suffers from a mental health disorder as well as addiction, and he was baker acted yesterday. His alcohol consumption has been so high that he was admitted to the ER for 24 hours before they could even take him to the mental health area. He’s being medicated for withdrawal.
Many addicts can not help themselves, they need professional help. GET THE HELP.
Are you sure it wouldn’t be better for them to cut themselves out of your life? It sounds like they are taking advantages of you, and you seem to be becoming aware of that. I wouldn’t be surprised at all to learn that you’re drinking not to deal with this B.S., so deal with the B.S., it will make the sobriety easier.
If AA isn’t doing it for you, look into MAT. The Sinclair Method is a highly effective modality for treating alcohol addiction with a cheap, generic, well studied and safe medication.
You are an adult. You don’t want to lose your place.
You know what will really kill you, not getting sober. 2k is nothing compared to the cost of treatment. Just stay and get sober and atop whining.
As a dear friend of mine told me years ago, alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they can face their problems and take action to correct it. She had hit rock bottom and had been in AA for a few years. She was doing very well. She was bright and a good worker. But everyone has their own rock bottom. You’re still young, and you very much need to quit drinking. Your folks don’t want to see you going through the downhill slide that alcoholism is. For their own well-being, they will need to cut you off if you don’t take action to get better. Who can blame them? It’s their mental health that your behavior is impacting. You can do what you want. You can move out. You can go back to your apartment. But you can’t be an alcoholic and have your parents suffer from it. They should probably go to Al-Anon and learn how to deal with your problems from their perspective. You do what you want. But don’t come on here and complain that you can’t move out because you can. You just can’t maintain a close relationship with your parents if you do. And that’s a choice only you can make.
Did your parents actually say they’ll cut out of their life?
As someone in your parents’ position, it’s heartbreaking and super stressful to see your child destroying his future with alcohol. I also went through threats, bribes, ER visits and whatever else I could think of, but eventually admitted that it was all futile until my son (24) decides he actually wants to quit drinking. I just hope he survives until then. That doesn’t make me worry any less, though, and the feeling of being powerless to fix things is pretty awful.
Maybe you should suggest that your parents go to an Al-anon meeting. I haven’t been, but I know they preach “I didn’t cause this and I can’t fix it” which might help them come to terms with the fact that they can’t just do something to make their child all better. Like I said, it won’t make them feel any better about things, but it might make them feel more resigned to whatever happens instead of desperate for a solution. This isn’t easy, because it will feel like they’re giving up on you when in fact they obviously love you.
Even though treatment hasn’t worked before. Please try again. Drinking has serious consequences on your health and your life. Have you talked to your parents about coming up with some kind of an action plan for you moving forward? Have you found an organization that might be able to give you guidance? Of a sponsor or counselor? If they are that concerned, I encourage you to listen. Things can spin out of control if you’re not careful. And I say this because I’ve seen it. Good luck, and don’t burn bridges with your parents.
>How do I just up and leave without them telling me I’m out of their life?
You don’t. Because what you are asking is “how do I do what I want and also control the behavior of others at the same time?” You can not control what other people do. If you are mentally healthier and less likely to drink in your own apartment than in their home, you can go to your own apartment. Just do so. It’s really that simple.
What you can not do is force anyone else to watch you destroy your life while in active addiction. And if you aren’t completely sober, you are in active addiction. It sounds like your parents have simply reached the end of their ability to cope with your alcoholism. Where either you prove your sobriety by being sober under the same roof as them, or they’re done watching you do this to yourself. They came and got you because they don’t want to watch you destroy your life and kill yourself. Leave if you need to leave. But do so accepting that you absolutely can not control whether or not that means your parents wash their hands of you. If they’re done, they’re done.
Well, you know what you need to do, go.
Anytime people get you ultimatums like that, the relationship is not healthy and it is over.
Where is your AA sponsor in all of this?
You are 24, the only thing that is stopping you is fear of your parents, they can’t stop you. Grow up
How many days do you have?
Just leave! You’re an adult, they can’t control you.
Walk away. They can’t hold you hostage. You know you have a problem and you’re working on it. Them threatening you will only set you back. Go home to your house, if they cut you off then so be it since they’re not helping anyway. Keep getting help but do it away from them. Their controlling attitude will not help you, it’s impossible to be forced to better yourself. Go home.
My perspective comes from having two loved ones with addiction problems. The toll it takes on everyone is really hard to describe. Both the addict and their loved ones struggle.
There’s no easy answer. Your recovery will not happen under the current circumstances. Not every program works, and some people need to try different approaches to find the one that clicks for long term recovery. You need space to figure out how to manage your life and addiction in a way that sets you up for long term success.
But at the same time, your parents are allowed to have their boundaries. I imagine there’s been a lot of heart ache and fighting around the issue. If they’re not already they need to be doing their own therapy or group work such as Alanon or Smart Recovery for families.
I’m assuming they want you to do in patient? Would they accept out patient treatment? Are there alternatives to the program you tried before? SMART often works better for people that struggled with a traditional 12 step style program. There’s also the programs that incorporate medication assisted treatment if you haven’t looked into those yet.
Good luck. I hope you find what you need.
Your instincts are right. They are part of the reason that you are an alcoholic. That type of constant hovering will make anybody need to medicate. So I really do believe that you will do better away from them, on your own, with the help of AA and or other counseling. Just go. You’re an adult if they want to press issues they can call the police to try to bring you back, and the police will laugh
You pay your own bills? Then what’s stopping you? It gets them a nice nights sleep? What about you? They only have the power over that you give them. Don’t give them power, and move out.
Either it works for you, or it doesn’t, but staying with them clearly does not.
Wait, why are you paying for an apartment instead of living with your parents? That would be cheaper…
I’m 35 and still live with my mother. I have all the same bills but not the house. I do pay for and perform most of the home maintenance but it’s far cheaper than being on my own (3k to 5k vs 25k-33k a year).
You also do not seem to have a handle on your drinking. Maybe they are in the right here…
One of the most important people in my life died last fall. He was only 40, with advanced liver cirrhosis and wound up on life support after an esophageal rupture. Quit drinking now.
Move out if you want.
Paying rent for an apartment you aren’t currently staying in is not your biggest problem though.
You have a problem with alcoholism that you very obviously aren’t taking very seriously.
I’m going to shoot straight with you out of love. My best friend was an alcoholic who was 15 years sober. He started drinking again because he thought he could handle it in moderation. Less than 6 months later he was found dead in a hotel room. This guy had a million dollar home, a beautiful family, friends that loved him, everything. Do you think his parents wish they had done EVERYTHING they could to stop his behavior? I know I wish I had done more.
Alcohol addiction is a demon that will do anything to convince you that it’s ok to drink sometimes, that you have it under control, that it’s ok…
Your parents are trying to save your life and you’re on here posting hoping people will justify your behavior so you can feel ok about it.
Your parents are threatening to cut you off because it’s the only card they have left to play and that means they are scared shitless you are going to die – maybe not tomorrow but some day.
You have been to rehab and “it didn’t work”, and apparently AA is not working for you either. You need to come to terms with this, man. You need to never ever pick up another drink again for the rest of your life. your addiction will do everything it can to try and convince you to drink, and justify that in any way. You need to realize that you never ever have to drink again. There is nothing but your addiction making you drink. Get that into your head and commit to it and make that your religion because otherwise you are headed down a lonely, destructive path.
Wishing you all the best, my friend! Your parents love you. I hope some day you can acknowledge that they are doing everything they’re doing out of love for you, even if your addiction hates it right now.
Stop drinking, being numb is just temporary. Learn to live with and regulate your emotions. You possibly need a therapist or psychologist to fix whatever issues you have. I suggest you simply stop. Before you need medications and have seizures trying to get clean. You can also die of liver issues too. You don’t need to go into detail, but if you are drinking when not social you have a problem. If you are drinking to vomit or excess or blackout, you have a problem. You can match energy and catch vibes without drinking. The older you get, the harder it gets to quit.
The apartment, move into it and never keep alcohol in the building. That way you at least won’t be tempted. Order all the non alcoholic drinks when out. Claim that coke is rum and coke . Lie that lemonade is vodka. This way you can match energy of people around you. It’s okay to be bored, just find things to do other than drinking. Go join a dance class, hiking group, find a new place to visit each week. Do volunteering at a soup kitchen. Anything to keep busy and not just reach for the alcohol. Suddenly you get so busy you don’t have time to waste drinking.
OP, you should do what’s best for you. If that means moving out to live independently, while still going to AA and your therapist, then so be it. Explain to your parents why you’re deciding to do what you’re doing, and then it’s up to them if they want to be pig headed idiots, or stay in your life.
I’m not understanding how you are going to AA and still drinking. Do you have a sponsor? What does your therapist have to say about the situation? How often do you actually spend 45-50 mins talking with the therapist?
Do you have a history of mental illness or attempted suicide? Has your drinking lead to you making a public spectacle of yourself to the point that your parents were embarrassed?
Something seems off about this story. If you are taking care of a business, paying your own bills, and you were at home when you were drinking to the point of slurring your words, your parents sound controlling. I’m not saying they shouldn’t encourage you to stop drinking, but it’s not their beast to control, that has to come from you. They should be supportive not demanding or threatening.
And nobody is successful 100% of the time, but the ones who succeed get up and keep trying, like you’re doing.
If you want to leave, leave, you’re grown. They are not helping you by detaining you.
You should tell your parents that you’re old enough to take care of yourself. I get it that they’re worrying about you. They should trust you enough to handle yourself.
Move
You‘re 24 but acting like you‘re 4. You‘re an adult, do what you want.
You are 24. WHY would you care what your parents allow or don’T allow?
“Fuck, just thinking about it makes me want to drink.” .. Move back to your own place, and block their numbers. THAT might help a lot.
Your parents are under no obligation to put up with your alcoholic behavior.
Go to treatment, and YOU stick. It’s not the treatment that’s not sticking. It’s you not sticking with treatment and demanding sobriety from yourself and needed support from the systems clearly available to you.
If you’re looking for excuses to continue to drink that your parents will buy, you’re likely out of luck.
You either want to get sober, or you want to drink until you screw up your life and lose access to your family. To get sober, you’ll need to stick with treatment.
The choice is yours entirely.
Just fucking quit drinking. You clearly still wanted to continue your alcoholism and that is why AA or rehab were not helpful for you. YOU have to make the decision to never touch another drop again. Choose sobriety. Think about the pros and cons. You have a medical problem, a physical addiction. Do you want to waste more money on this for the rest of your life? Is alcohol worth losing friends, family and your health? Why are picking an addiction over everything else?
If you can stay sober for three days, it will be cleared out of your body and you will not have a physical dependence anymore. If you are a daily drinker, seek medical help for the detox. After the three days, you are free from it. Plan this so you can take time off from everything – you will need at least a week of rest. You will no longer have a physical addiction and it becomes a choice- mind over matter. You need to rebuild your daily habits and never touch the stuff again and that includes no alcohol in your mouthwash. I chose to quit finally and am days away from ten years sober. I don’t go to AA or relive my guilt or war stories. I moved on and just treat it like a deathly allergy. You can make this choice. You can do it.