hello I’m a 16yo boy. and I couldn’t really find a place for this question. I hope it’s allowed here
my mum owns a successful business with multiple locations, my dad isn’t around much as he works shifts with odd hours.
basically. my mum uses her phone a lot.
constantly. think stereotypical depiction of genZ in media and that’s it.
she does use it for work, meaning she is berated constantly by clients and employees.
but even when she isn’t working, she’s using Facebook or texting.
we live in a fairly big house with the living room and my bedroom two floors apart. I often come down to see her, and I stand in the doorway, waiting for her to look up. but all she looks at is her phone, and then when I turn to leave, she’ll finally say something. but when I respond, she’ll just be texting or scrolling and doesn’t respond back. sometimes, she asks how I am up to three times without listening to the answer.
she can’t talk and type simultaneously, so a good portion of my life is waiting to be spoken back at. I feel like an npc sometimes just waiting around.
in psychology, I studied the stress response in babies when a mother makes a blank face at them. and this is exactly what it feels like. I just want to punch her. how can you just look at Facebook when I’m standing right there trying to talk about something? I like to think I’m an interesting person, I read a lot and play multiple instruments, and I’m fairly educated on various matters. I just want my mum to talk to me like a normal person. I know she’s very busy but I don’t know why she won’t interact with me
this is really embarrassing to admit, but I’m angry and hurt and would like some advice. sorry for the length, I just needed to rant and hopefully get some help
edit: there’s so many comments so thank you all. taking the time out of your day to help me is really kind of you lot. cheers đź—Ł
Comments
Text her
This was like my life in the 90s except my parents were glued to Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
Have you tried using your words instead of standing there playing some game where you want her to speak first and then getting resentful?
“Hey, mom, I’d like to talk to you, could you put your phone down so we can have a conversation, please?”
“Mom I feel like you don’t listen to me when you’re on your phone, can we do phone-free dinners so we can talk to each other?”
Step one is telling her this outright
You have every right to be hurt and angry. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sucks when our parents don’t notice us or don’t even seem to care. My mom worked three jobs growing up and was an alcoholic. I am 35 now and it still hurts how little time or effort she put in. I know it was partially due to needed to work but also the alcohol. Hang in there. You could try to have a conversation with her and express yourself but I don’t know your dynamics with her and how perceptive she would be. Hugs to you from another mom. ❤️
Get on her Facebook and ask hey I miss you where are you so her friends can see it. Shame goes far.
Mom here. Take this post and put it in her Facebook messenger.
You deserve better.
I’m not perfect, I used to have a personal rule to never take my phone out with my child there. As a working parent that’s basically 6-8AM before daycare/school, and 6-8PM for dinner and bed. Now this method fell apart during Covid and due to circumstances has not bounced back. Working on it now.
Thank you for the reminder, please do share this post with her and encourage her to learn time management. Not only are they failing you as parents, they’re not being good role models.
Any parent would DIE to have their teenager take an interest in spending time with them.
Alternately, get a Facebook account and start posting everything you’d want her to see there (you can set it as only visible to her)…maybe she catches it then.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Just tell them. “Hey I want us to talk and stuff without anyone being on their phones.”
I’d ask: Mom, do you ever wonder what happens to kids that grow up with parents that were too busy to engage with or prioritize their children? Do you think they up in therapy or on drugs or something?
Maybe she’d get it.
She is obviously unaware of her actions and what it is doing to you. For your mum, her “down time” and de-stress time is to scroll. I’m not excusing her behaviour – I’m simply stating a reason for her behaviour. Don’t be angry with her. Anger doesn’t serve you or her. Instead of standing there waiting for her acknowledgement why not sit down next to her and start taking and start by telling her how you feel? You have to take some personal responsibility too in every situation. Don’t be a “victim.” If you want a desired outcome, be proactive in making it happen.
As a parent, tell them they’re being shitty parents.
I have to ask bc it sounds like a very odd dynamic it. What ethnicity is your family?
I don’t have any advice myself, but I would like to congratulate you on your awareness. I feel like being glued to devices like this is now something that impacts all generations. Being your age and able to not only recognize this, but to put it into works and seek a solution speaks volume for your maturity and awareness of the world around you.
there is a little share button below your post use it to show her this post with all of its comments, maybe she will “hear” it when she reads it on her phone
> I’m angry and hurt
As you should be. You should send this to her or actually tell her if you think she’ll listen. This isn’t your fault or even hers really. Phones are intentionally addictive. They are purpose built to hijack our brains.
Wow that must be frustrating and lonely at the same time. I grew up with a wonderful mother, her lack of attention was simply due to how tired she was from work, but I never once felt she didn’t take interest in us. So I can’t imagine how you must feel, though I’ve been there plenty of times with my sister, whom you just described. She’s not just like that with me and the rest of my fam, but she’s got 3 children (the oldest is ten) and I watch her do this a lot with them. So maybe my words are from someone unbiased in an in-between position. I love my sister, I know she’s a good person, I know she loves her kids very much. But I also can predict my niece typing what you typed one day. And it hurts me to watch, almost as much as it must hurt you and her to feel. On that note, there might be someone in your family who loves you and notices this and sees your hurt. I know that doesn’t fix it, but I hope it’s comforting to know people see that stuff .
I don’t have a solution for you, but one day..
One day she’ll realize how much time she missed with you. In the meantime, try to not let her ignorance of you and enslavement to the screen make you bitter against her… Continue to be the wonderful kid that you are and do not stop loving her past her flaws. And every now and then, do not be afraid to explicitly tell her: “mom. I’m here. I love you and I miss you so much bc I feel you are so far away. “
I might be off about this, but:
I have a hunch you’re downplaying the gravity of the situation. It’s very possible your mom is mentally ill, and your mom is a toxic influence on you, and the best thing you can do is just move out as soon as possible. Minimize contact with her, live your own life, and just experience the day-to-day, out in the world of the sane and the normal. Eventually, you will acclamate to existing in a non-toxic society, and your perspective will adapt to something healthy.
Hey man, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better. Your mom can claim that you’re ungrateful all she wants, but at the end of the day it is simply not true. She is selfish. She brought you into this world with the implicit promise that she would love you, raise you, nurture you, and care for you like the gift that you are. Despite your requests that she take accountability for the life she brought into this world she is content to allow you to wallow in her neglect. And let me be clear- this is neglect. Yes, you may have a roof over your head, food on your plate, and a bed to sleep in, but those are the necessities for survival. To keep you alive. They do not encompass all of your needs. When was the last time she hugged you? When was the last time she had a kind word for you? She has sustained you as if you are a house plant barely clinging to life. She has not nurtured you. And for that, I am very sorry.
I haven’t spoken to my own mother in 8 years. This is how she treated me too.
Video call her…everytime you need some talking time with her.
My father does the same thing. Obviously, it’s different for everybody but the solution for me was to find some really good friends. They listen whenever I need to vent about him (or anything) and I know they love me for who I am, so that helps a lot. Hang tight.
You have every right to be angry and hurt.
Since her phone is how to get her attention, text her and tell her you would like to talk to her phone free. When you get her, tell her that you understand she is working hard to make a good life for you, but you would enjoy some phone free time with her, even if it needs to be scheduled.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m glad to hear you’re already in therapy. There’s an expression, “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.” What it means is, your mom is working her ass off, and whenever she has downtime she gets lost in her phone. You can’t change her, so you’re hurting yourself trying to get her to change.
You’re clearly a smart and sensitive person, and your mom is missing the opportunity to spend time with you. That’s her loss. You’re growing up, and there are things you can learn about yourself that will help you for the rest of your life. Do you know what makes you happy, are there activities that fulfill you? Art, athletics, martial arts, gardening, cooking, playing the drums… How about volunteering to help people (food pantry, animal shelters, teaching little kids to read). There are a million ways for you to fill your time, so that the fact that your mom has checked out, isn’t so painful.
I hope you have a wonderful life. There are a bunch of us here on your side, and we’re rooting for you.
That really sucks and I’m sorry you are being ignored. I think some other folks have made some good suggestions and talking with your therapist is a great idea because you already know each other and they probably have a good sense of what’s going on in your life. The only thing I would add is to model good behavior for your mom. That just means treat her how you would like to be treated. “Hey mom, I feel like I’m not being heard when your attention is on your phone and I’d really like it if we could look at each other and talk.” Be patient and gentle and let her know what you need. It’s ridiculous that you’re the child asking to be parented but for whatever reason your mom is checked out as a mom. You sound like a mature person and I’m rooting for you. Hugs.
I’m so sorry you’re being neglected and ignored by your own mother. This is probably breaking your heart. Please think about getting yourself a therapist, as this is a really hurtful thing for any person to experience. Check out r/emotionalneglect for other folks who’ve dealt with similar situations. It helped me out a ton a couple years ago as I was processing my own emotional neglect as a kid.
honestly try texting her
I had the exact same situation, now 15 but when I was 3-12 my parents owned a large business and were too busy to even look up at a drawing I’d make them. It sucks and there’s not really much you can do other than communicate to her that this is how your feeling and hopefully she will put in some more effort
Massive hugs.
I don’t have any helpful advice that you haven’t received already…so I’ll just say that I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this and having to be the responsible adult while your parents are not. I’m a Xennial – and I know all too well about this – and I was an only child…it’s not like they had to divide their time with another kid. Anyway. I hope it gets better for you <3
Send her this link!
Buckle up, I’m mad and this is gonna be long.Â
You poor sweet kid. Of course you’re hurt and angry, you’re being severely emotionally neglected. And of course you’re uncomfortable (embarrassed, calling yourself a pussy) about it, because you’re being raised in an environment that doesn’t make space for your emotions, and considers your needs a burden. My heart is breaking for you.Â
Your mom may well be burned out herself, but reasons aren’t excuses. Your abuser’s trauma doesn’t justify them abusing you. And yes, neglect is a form of abuse.Â
I’m worried for you, because you’re already way too used to your needs being ignored and marginalized. Way too used to to having to do this mental dance and carry way more than your fair share of emotional weight just to keep the peace in the house. And instead of validating any of this and treating it like the trauma it genuinely is, your therapist seems to be just kinda… Taking up space?Â
I’m concerned for your emotional health, both now, and in the future, when you apply the survival skills you’re learning in this dysfunctional environment to adult relationships, repeating these same patterns, struggling to ever really get close or feel safe enough to show vulnerability, and just being sad and lonely and not understanding why. I really hope you can forge relationships with some “chosen family” people sooner than later, and at least have SOMEWHERE it’s safe to open up and be yourself, and feel seen, welcome and wanted. It makes me sad to see you defending that you’re interesting, as if you have to be interesting to deserve attention, love and support from your PARENTS. These aren’t some random people, they’re the people who brought you into the world. They DO owe you something. And you don’t have to do or be anything in order to deserve that attention and love. You automatically deserve it. That’s probably uncomfortable to hear, because it conflicts with your current reality. But it’s true. Your current reality is just a bit fucked and has distorted your expectations.
Once your kids no longer need you to survive, the relationship you’re left with is the one you’ve cultivated. They’ve cultivated, uh, not much with you. And it’s their loss, because by all accounts you are clearly a thoughtful, kind, funny, and yes, interesting, person. People in your situation generally leave home and don’t look back, and then their parents wonder why they don’t want to visit. Honestly, if they don’t get their shit together soon, that’s exactly what I predict will happen here. And you’d be right to leave and stop begging for the barest morsel of affection, attention or respect. Fuck them, you’re awesome.Â
In case it’s not obvious, your mom (and probably your dad too but you’ve written more details about her behavior) is categorically not doing okay, and hella needs therapy herself. But she’s unlikely to see that or deal with it, because it sounds like she’s not that receptive to any kind of critical feedback. She doesn’t understand that you bringing these things up is an attempt to mend things, get your needs met and get closer again. It’s an act of good faith, not malice. A healthy person (and especially a parent) would respond by saying, “Shit, thank you for speaking up, you’re right, I’m so sorry, let’s work on this together.” You’re not getting ANY of that. And you can’t bleed yourself dry emotionally forever.Â
I’m sorry your parents aren’t giving you the love and support you deserve. I’m really angry for you. I understand your wanting to minimize it and laugh it off, but it IS a big deal. You’re going to have some catching up to do emotionally to heal this. I’m excited for you to get out of their house and out on your own, where you can find better support for yourself- good friends who become your chosen family, who reprogram your expectations about what being loved looks and feels like. And a better therapist who can take a relationship-centered, trauma-informed approach to unpacking your life experience, the coping strategies you’ve developed to survive thus far, and what healthier ones you might practice to replace them and work towards the happier future you deserve.Â
To your parents, if you’re reading this: consider this a wakeup call. YOU’RE not happy, and you’re driving your kid away. If you want a relationship with him later, you’ll stop shutting him down when he comes to you wanting to talk, stop implying he’s ungrateful. Figure out how to manage your own emotions and make space for him or YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE HIM, and it’s absolutely going to be your own fault. It’s not too late to fix things, but you have to actually try. And if you don’t, well, then… Sucks to suck, I guess.Â
And to you, OP, you write with such warmth and presence. I’m not going to say “you’re going to be okay”, because I’m just not a fan of empty platitudes, and truthfully your situation is more dangerous than you might realize yet. But you have a good head on your shoulders, and you already know well enough to question the BS you’re being fed, so yeah, honestly I DO think you’re going to be okay. It’s just going to take a bit of work on your part to keep from repeating these same cycles in your adulthood.Â
Reddit may be a cesspool sometimes, but it’s also full of vibrant, supportive communities. I’m really glad you cared enough to come here and ask questions. I hope you’re getting the support and validation you need from this post to realize, fully, that you, your feelings and needs are not the problem here.Â
You ever need an ear, my DMs are open. Big hugs if you want them. -your auntie across the pond
everyone is giving you good advice so i just will add since you didnt know where to look for this type of support online
r/InternetParents
r/MomforaMinute
Try to catch them at a good time. Maybe bring something up that they like talking about. Also, try calling them out it might snap them out of it. Not always, but worth a shot. And you make time for you. Hang with people who do show up. Journal, go for a walk, blast your fav playlist, text someone who gets it. You’re not being dramatic, you just want connection.
I grew up in a household where my parents seemed glued to the TV, to the point that they ended up in separate rooms both with the TV on all day. You try and have a conversation with them, they won’t even pause the TV. If you go on holiday, the first thing they do is turn on the TV even though every channel is in a language they don’t speak. Even when talking to them, they will actively search through the TV channels or streaming providers and select a film to play in the background. They’ll watch films back to back, whilst I’m trying to speak to them.
I moved out 3 years ago, and every time I visit them it’s the same thing. I see them every few months and they can’t pull themselves away from the TV for more than 2 minutes. If we go out somewhere, they’re on their phones looking at things about TV shows or sports, and then talking to me about them like I know what they’re on about. I’ve had them visit me and they immediately turn on my TV and try to find something to watch. Why??
Well, it’s an addiction, and sadly some people are a lot worse at controlling it than others. It’ll impact those around them, just like other addictions do, and they probably won’t even notice in the future that you have moved out or haven’t spoken to them in 3 weeks. It sucks. You can keep raising it with your mum but until she actually realises how bad it is, she’s not going to change.
Sometimes people need something like a video of them to show them exactly how rude they’re being, maybe try filming her when you’re trying to have a conversation and you know it’s outside of her working hours. Send it to her phone, and she might watch it and realise what she’s doing.
Good luck, and focus on making yourself the best you can be <3
Tell them you need to talk and then make them read this post.
My mom’s on Tiktok like this, I’m 33 and it feels the same. Right or wrong, I just don’t engage her
I hate to say it but I actually really get you on this, I’m 17f and my parents are very into their phones. It’s hard tbh bc I feel like they are missing out on me sorta if ykwim. Just know you aren’t alone ♡ tbh these days I just rely on my friends. My parents may not want to know about me but my friends do, and they are all I need ♡. Sorry you gotta go through this, but know that your not alone and you are worth more than any phone ♡♡♡
Edit: also I totally get wanting to say something, I have and it just didn’t work for me, I don’t know your parents tbh. My parents have never really wanted to be in my life, but maybe yours do ♡ don’t be afraid to try to talk, but there is no shame in not beating the broken drum. My parents won’t put in the effort to be apart of my life, so I don’t wanna keep trying to make them be apart of my life when I have already tried. If you want them to be in your life make it clear, ask for like and hour a week where you all put screens away and play cards or smth! Give them an option ♡♡♡
There was a Saved By the Bell episode where Zach’s dad would not get off the phone. So Zach started calling him on the phone to talk to him, even though they were literally in the same room.
I don’t really have any advice as I myself am a 44 year old woman who has spent her entire life trying to get her mother’s attention and approval so I don’t know how to fix that for you, but I am also a mother to an almost 24 year old son and I have made it my life’s mission to make sure he never feels like I did/do regarding my mother. All I can say is that I hear you, I see you and I feel for you. My momma heart is sending you a big hug. I also want to make it a point to mention that this is ALL on her, it is in NO WAY a reflection of you or your worth. You deserve better.