Been together 7 years and this has become a topic of fixation for him the past 2 years.
My partner really seems to care about how much “effort” we put into doing things. I totally understand wanting effort with gifts and such, but this imo has manifested into him taking pleasure in making life harder.
A recent example is that we have a weekly delivery. Same day, any time that day. My partner never remembers (he has ADHD). I offered to put it in the calendar, but he says he doesn’t like repeat events in the calendar as it clogs it up and makes it harder to see things. So I offered to put him on the SMS notification system alongside me. He also said no to that.
Instead, his only solution is for me to remind him every week for the foreseeable future. I asked him what the difference was between a text from the company and a text from me, and he got upset accusing me of “not caring” “lazy” “being cold” etc. I pointed out the only difference is that it puts more mental load on me and he started crying saying that I must hate him so much if a “simple text” was too much. Like fuck me mate I’m trying to get a box through the door.
He’s now decided he’s not going to manage the weekly delivery at all because apparently I don’t want him involved bc I won’t give him a weekly text.
This is just a constant exhausting pattern. When we wanted to do some house renovations, he insisted that we do everything ourselves. We worked it out and it wasn’t particularly cheaper than getting professionals, and there were some really gross jobs I wasn’t keen on, and potentially dangerous stuff like drilling near live wires.
I suggested getting professionals for the shit stuff and doing the fun stuff ourselves, but again he called this lazy.
Even back when we both got Covid and had to isolate, loved ones offered to drop food and groceries off at our door. Partner said he felt massive shame at being “useless” and said our loved ones must think us as “pathetic” rather than just being appreciative of the help.
I don’t know if it matters but I’m more well off so I wonder if he resents me from being able to just… pay for things to be done? He’s far from poor himself but he seems ideologically opposed to getting help for anything except if it’s from me, which I find massively unhelpful as he needs more help on his bajillion projects than I can give, and then I get accused of being a bad partner.
My partner keeps harping on about taking “pride” in “doing things yourself”. But it’s also odd because he is very tech savvy and automates a lot of stuff for us – we don’t even need to open our blinds by hand. He says that’s fine because he did the work to automate it, and if he hired someone to do the coding he wouldn’t like that.
At this point I’d honestly be okay if it only impacted him, but I’m sick of the expectation that I need to make up for all the help he refuses to accept and that I myself am not “allowed” to get help.
What am I missing here? What can I do to approach this productively?
Edit: Adding that this is even the same with transport. He hates Ubers with a passion and also calls them lazy and frivolous, and if he could would only walk or cycle everywhere, with driving ourselves being the “middle ground”. Public transport is okay for some reason.
TLDR: partner insists on doing everything ourselves (with me assisting him as much as he needs with zero complaint), making our lives way harder than they need to be.
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LOL Had a guy who did this with me. His friends would say “let’s do a barbecue next thursday” and he would IMMEDIATELY turn to me, and say “great can you remind me”…. like I was his personal Alexa or some crap. I started to “remind” him immediately, and now my job is done. Or I’d send him links to google searches etc instead of the direct answer.
We ultimately broke up for other reasons, but that’s such an exhausting and stupid expectation. If you haven’t told him, I’d tell him how it grinds on you, you are not his paid PA, he can have “jobs” too or y’all need to talk about what it looks like to part ways because your purpose in life is not to simply make his better.
Maybe frame it as a “time vs money” thing? Everything in life costs time or money. Your time is worth a certain amount – I take my salary and worked out my “day rate” – if it’s cheaper to pay someone to do it than it would be for me to do it at my day rate… I get the help. It’s stupid not to unless you’re trying to save cash for something big/specific/life-changing.
You had a guy crying and accusing you of “not caring” because you didn’t want to send him a weekly text about grocery deliveries and you didn’t laugh in his face? I feel like you’re more productive about this than I would be.
What happens when you tell him that you doing things for him is not “doing it himself “?
Incidentally, having a meltdown and accusing you of not loving him because you won’t send him a weekly text (in place of either of the very reasonable automated solutions) is manipulative. Emotional disregulation and RSD might contribute to his feelings, but they don’t make his actions acceptable.
I am exhausted and drained by just reading this.
You are here asking for advice on coping with this – not him. You are once again doing the hard, icky work of trying to balance the relationship.
Has he ever agreed to compromise on these “values”? Or is it always up to you to validate and accommodate?
Living with someone who micromanages your life like this and does not think your opinion is even worth acknowledging has to be exhausting. Do you really think this is sustainable for you?
Edit: Just read your views on ADHD. Neither of you should be in this relationship.
Him getting therapy for his issues would likely be helpful. That kind of pride is a bit toxic to his own wellbeing.
I have adhd too and I can understand to some extent(though it feels like he is being a bit extreme about it). I use a voice activated digital assistant. If it’s on a calendar or just a text it might give me some stupidly placed anxiety. The digital assistant gives me audio reminders and I find it’s been the best to remember things.