My partner and I have been together for about 5 years. He’s a quite frantic person who definitely exhibits some of the adhd symptoms and 3 years ago he received a proper diagnosis. Over the years I’ve caught him literally staring at women, all always very attractive, and how normally I wouldn’t have an issue with him just noticing an attractive human being, the staring really irks me. It’s like he’s in some trance where he struggles to focus and pay attention to anything else and he literally needs to be snapped out of it. It’s happened multiple times, and although not often it has made my self esteem go from like a 8/10 to a solid 3/10 now. I’ve spoken with him about it and mentioned it bothers me however it continued to happen anyways with just different excuses attached. I just hate he can’t tell me the truth or stop doing it all together, or just stop blaming it on his diagnosis that he can’t help it sometimes. Am I over reacting or stupid for tolerating something that affects me so much? How would you deal with it?
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I’m sure you know that’s bullshit, right?
He needs to stop, not only because you are around, but not to creep out these women as well.
Sister, you gotta leave this guy. He’s blaming ADHD for ogling women?? No. ADHD isn’t a free pass to be a creep, and the fact that he’s trying to play that card tells me a lot about the kind of partner he wants to be for you.
He needs to learn to manage this. He is certainly making many women very fucking uncomfortable.
What else is he going to blame his ADHD on? Sounds like he now has a convenient excuse for his shitty behaviour. I believe staring at other people is a huge sign of disrespect. If you’ve communicated to him that it bothers you (and you shouldn’t even have to do that) and he persists with the behaviour then he simply doesn’t respect or value you. Being alone is better than being disrespected. Also, what a creep. Imagine how the other women feel too being leered at by some creep.
I am diagnosed as ADHD and if anything, it makes it harder for me to notice someone, let alone stare at someone. Most people are taught at a young age to not stare for many reasons, your guy is just being disrespectful and using his condition to downplay his shitty behavior.
He’s ogling other women in front of you so hard that he acts like he’s in a trance and needs to be snapped out of it? And he makes no effort to stop gawking at women, even though he knows it hurts you (and it’s just plain creepy and disrespectful behaviour)?
You know that’s not ADHD. And you’re not over-reacting. If your best friend’s boyfriend was acting this way, what would you tell her? Would you tell her he’s a loser and she deserves better?
Nah, my husband has pretty severe adhd and I’ve never noticed him looking at another woman like this. I also have adhd and we both recognize that we can’t blame our bad behaviours on it all the time.
Nah, he’s using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behaviour. He cares more about doing what he wants thsn your thoughts and feelings.
He is using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behavior. I have severe ADHD. I’m 33 now been diagnosed since grade school and medicated since I was 12 and I could easily use my ADHD as an excuse for things but I don’t. I own my shit and I work on my behaviors. He needs to that. He is being lazy and being a dick
Run. Please, run. I know it’s hard, but he is not going to change. He’ll only get worse.
Nooope, no thank you. I would call attention to it when it happens and if it kept happening, I would have to leave this person. For my own sanity.
it is both bullshit and also true
it is actually very difficult to date those with adhd
they do actually cheat and ask for open relationships way more
Lmfao
Ma’am, if lesbians can control themselves so can your partner.
Your guy might just be a cad.
That’s totally bullshit. From my experience with ADHD people,it’s actually harder for them to focus and notice people around them,let alone staring at women only. I don’t like people like him who use their health issues as an excuse for their shitty behaviour,that makes it worse for people who are really struggling with ADHD.
ADHD makes me stare off into space, at clouds, windows, and blank walls. ADHD doesn’t make me *oggle* people.
I work in the mental health field and its honestly so sad to see how some people will weaponize their mental illness diagnosis for pity/sympathy from their loved ones to justify being abusive or guilt people into accepting their shitty behaviors. If someone is a shitty person, they are a shitty person – diagnosed or not. Absolutely not.
So here’s the thing. ADHD doesn’t make someone a creep, which is what he is doing. Maybe he’d get more distracted and glance more, but full on stare? No
A diagnosis is not an excuse. I know a lot of people with ADHD and have dated men with it. I have a really really hard time believing that it would cause him to do this. It sure seems that he just doesn’t care enough to behave differently.
This lack of regard for your feelings is staggering. I can’t imagine using my ADHD to justify something like this.
If anything, as someone who has acted poorly due to ADHD in the past, the reaction should be shame and acknowledgement of needing to improve, and then a plan to do so. And follow through on that plan.
But that’s for, like, forgetting to do the dishes. Not deciding to shamelessly leer in public!
He is full of shit and just trying to pretend like he can’t help that he stares at other women. I’m just surprised he also hasn’t pulled out that old standby “Men are visual” to go with his nonsense.
Other women don’t even exist for my partner. Keycaps and audio cables on the other hand ….
I have ADHD and am a therapist who specializes in ADHD. This is BS and has nothing to do with his diagnosis. It’s a convenient excuse for him, though huh ? Folx with ADHD get distracted easily so him looking around everywhere and looking at “all the shiny things” would make sense. Staring at and oogling women is not an ADHD symptom. Don’t let him fool you.
Just start staring at hot guys just like he does. When he complains, blame his ADHD.
That’s just his way of trying to avoid accountability. Please don’t try to even understand or compromise, you don’t like it and know it’s wrong. And it is. Yes we can find others attractive we have EYES but to fawn and gawk at someone while being in a relationship and in love with someone? No.
Also personally when you’re truly in love and truly “locked in” in a relationship, nobody else matters (in terms of finding people attractive).
I say this from experience. My first relationship was beautiful, but we started to have repeated issues and I remember feeling unheard and I started losing hope. After a LONG time of slowly losing hope but not wanting to let go of him, I started to “fantasise” about some new (imaginary) person treating me better. Which also turned into me noticing other men more, etc etc.
I have felt guilty for this, but tbh not much now because I know it was a result of losing hope but loving my person so much that I didn’t want to leave. I guess I lost hope he’d start treating me better and so I started to imagine some imaginary person doing it.. I opened up about this online and one other woman told me that she did this too while she was trying to survive her old abusive relationship, it was her way of coping.
*I’m not saying my relationship was super bad, it wasn’t, my point is if both people truly love eachother they won’t have wondering eyes and idc what anyone else says these days.
If you google what your partner does then put reddit i think some sub had some guy have a mental issue that wasn’t ADHD but maybe anxiety?
So hell anxiously look at someone and that person will notice but he’ll keep on staring at them. It’s pretty Interesting!
Have you talked to your partner? Did he at least empathize?
Oh also I saw this video yesterday: A young girl (19) was on a plane with her sister. There was a creepy old man who kept looking at her, also this girl said people often mistake her for being younger than she is so she believes he was a p*phile.
He basically touched himself to her, the police did nothing because apparently there wasn’t enough evidence even though she had pictures but it wasn’t super clear so maybe that’s why. But the way he was looking at her was clearly in a creep predatory way.
Anyway, when the man was questioned by the cabin crew, his wife answered for him, she said “no he has adhd, and he would never do such a thing!” so his wife was acting like she’s his MOTHER and making sick excuses for him, as if adhd is an excuse or way to get out of something?
People with adhd in the comments were fuming.
He doesn’t respect you. He won’t ever respect you. Do what you want with that information.
It’s not his fault if he has ADHD. It’s his responsibility to get whatever is available to him to function properly with it. That includes not hurting his partner.
As someone with ADHD and also attracted to women, I was going to call bullshit until I remembered that I forget all the humans around me when I see a cat or a dog, simply because I want nothing more than to befriend them and learn about them. A human only exists when I have a question about the animal’s name, age, personality. I literally disregarded my partner of 15 years today to befriend a goldendoodle. I will greet animals at a social gathering before I acknowledge humans even though I know what social dynamics and cues are. It’s just my instinct. I love animals – people know that, people have noted that, and they’ve commented on it – not unkindly, just observationally. I think animals are some of the purest souls on this planet and it matters to me to try and form a bond with them, however shallow or deep.
Imagine what kind of man your boyfriend is to stare at women with such singleminded, fixated concentration that you need to snap him out of it.
I have auadhd and I can say I have stared at people like this BUT they were very interesting: cosplay, dressed very uniquely, basically had something interesting that got my mind going in a direction of some imagined story. I have ignored my partner during this for a moment or 2. So inconxtext of my experience he is gawking and imagining sex or other activities.
Side note, I am in therapy and work on many coping mechanisms for my auadhd. I cannot take medication as I also have severe tinnitus and the medications make it worst. Neurodivergence is not an excuse to be rude. Starting is rude and gawking at people makes them uncomfortable and he is using his “disability” as an excuse. He should be actively working on a solution to the situation.
This made me suck my teeth in sudden horror. Oh, what, are titties his hyperfixation? Is he better able to focus when he’s leering?
Staring at women is RUDE. There is no excuse for it. Please don’t believe he can’t help it. My partner is the most ADHD lesbian on the planet, and she doesn’t check out women in front of me… because that would be abominably disrespectful. People with ADHD are not inherently disrespectful to their partners- and that he insists upon it is an insult to everyone else with the condition. ADHD doesn’t automatically render you a pervy dickhead.
Is he very attractive? Usually men that are don’t show such thirsty behavior? Have you thought of trading him in for a new model?
ADHD is not an excuse to behave like an inconsiderate jerk.
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Don’t believe such BS
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