Hi all. So my boyfriend (21m) and I (20f) have flown to a different city this weekend for him to meet my parents for the first time. We’ve been dating for almost a year and are pretty serious- planning to move in together in the fall and talking about other bigger long term plans.
My relationship with my parents has always been a bit rocky, the reasons as to why are a lot to get into, but it’s almost like my parents just had kids to fulfil the societal pressures. I think my mom also had a rough childhood and is just starting to go to therapy for it, but aspects of that definitely affected our relationship growing up. The biggest thing tho is that teasing is really common in my family, often to the point where the person being teased gets upset. Especially me in the past as I can be pretty sensitive. My house was also not the one where I could bring friends over at will just to chill- it was an ask ahead, double check, get permission before people come over kind of deal. So bringing my boyfriend to meet my parents was no small thing, not just to me but to my parents.
I was prepared for things to go well- things went great when I met his parents- or maybe for my parents to not be super warm to him at first. When they first met, everything seemed great on the outside.
But when we were alone, he said “I don’t like how your parents talk to you, it’s more than teasing, it’s bullying, they just seem like bad people” etc etc. I cant quite say the right thing on the offence, because I know my parents are a bit hard to get along with, but for me that’s how it’s always been. And it’s been so long since I had someone over to meet them that I really have no clue how to handle this. My mom asked me today if she was doing a good job and I had no clue how to give better feedback. My boyfriend said pretty much the same thing he said yesterday, today. “I dont like how they talk to you at all and that overshadows everything else.”
He says he’ll just deal with it, and he’ll never say anything bad or go against them to their face. But I want to spend a lifetime with him! And I don’t want to imagine every visit with my family and him together ending with me crying and him saying “I dislike the people who raised you.” But at the same time my parents are like that.
What do I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Wtf is happening?
Advice needed plz.
Tldr: my boyfriend of 1 year dislikes how my parents talk to me, and as a result dislikes my parents. I know they’re not the greatest but I don’t want him to secretly hate them behind their back. What do I do?
Comments
If you think your bf is wrong, Perhaps you need to see a therapist. Share how your parents talk with you and get their perspective. You may also want to consider why you allow it.
It is correct for your boyfriend not to like people who treat you poorly, even—especially—when they’re your parents.
It’s silly to extrapolate that you meeting his parents going well means that vice-versa will be true when you have a family that bullies you and was difficult about you bringing people over.
You should consider therapy yourself and why it’s important to maintain relationships with people who put you down.
I didnt love my gfs family, but I did love her. I will say initially her sister was quite cold to me and that created some resentment, but over time she grew to like me based on my personality. Over time I’ve came to love them and they love me back (I think)
There’s really nothing he can do besides accept it. if you think it’ll cause problems and it’s not something he wants to get over and love you just for you; not family, then move on.
Also remind him most families have something he won’t like, simply because they’re different from his family and what he’s used to. While you got along with his family, I’m sure this was something that irked you, or wasn’t shown on your first meeting with them.
Case in point my mom is kinda crazy and can be off with me and my brother, but only shows it when she’s drinking. Besides that she treats my gf like the daughter she never had but my gf knows she can be a bit of a psycho mom of two boys.
My husband doesn’t like my family very much because of how much they disrespected me.
That’s because he respects me, and it breaks his heart to see someone treating me poorly, regardless of that person’s relationship to me.
This is because he’s on MY side, and not their side.
He also respects that I can continue relationships with them as I choose, and he’ll support me, but he’s never going to pretend that my family does not have a long history of being disrespectful and emotionally abusive to me.
If your partner was cool with you being treated like crap, that would be a red flag, to be honest.
I think it’s actually good he cares about you being mistreated, he will advocate for you in other situations too. And he agreed to not say anything to them about it. I think you should let go of trying to control his feelings around your parents, if they’re truly fine he will have a more positive impression with more time spent with them. If he insists they’re unkind it’s worth thinking about that, and why you don’t see it.