I’m 41 years old. I have a teenage daughter, a secure job, a mortgage and a great group of friends. I also have a partner (44M) who I have been with for 2 years. Early on, we had a miscarriage. We were both devastated. He doesn’t have any children, and even though I didn’t think I wanted any more it opened up the possibility again and it stung. Anyway, all that is to say things started out intense.
But over time I started to notice things about his behaviours that didn’t sit well with me, particularly to do with his drinking and his avoidant tendencies around that and a deep shame he clearly has (but won’t let me close to). He started hiding drinking from me once I started to question how much he drank. I’ve given him several chances to change and he has finally said he will quit drinking. But now I am on high alert constantly and worried about the impact of his bad habits on his health, whether they will continue and how that would impact our relationship long term. I want to make sure that my partner is someone who I can see myself growing old with. He says he can be that person, but his behaviour says something different. How many chances do I give him?
Aside from the deception and drinking, he is a sweet and loving partner (I realise how ridiculous that sentence sounds with those two conflicting statements). But I am scared of waking up in ten years time with things still as they are. Even though there is love between us, is a 44 year old man who has developed bad habits over decades really going to change for the better?
TL;DR Partner has bad habits that don’t align with where I’m at in life. Is he really going to change them?
Comments
So your partner drinks alcohol and you don’t like it? And you want him to quit, he doesn’t, he’s trying for you but may fail, and you will take that personally? If I’m understanding that correctly.
Like how much alcohol or are you a 0 alcohol person? Was this a problem at the beginning of your relationship or are you trying to suddenly change it?
Depends, he may be avoidant because he feels judged or he may be avoidant because he doesn’t feel it’s a big deal and you make tir one or he may be avoidant because he drinks heavily . Not really enough information to gauge.
Do you want him to cut back or quit completely.
You can grow old with a person who drinks so what’s really your issue?
Can you explain the impact his drinking has? It’s one thing to not want an abusive drunk living at home, but if his drinking doesn’t come with any obvious issues, it may be hard for him to understand your point of view.
If he’s truly an alcoholic there may be nothing you can do to change him. He’ll need to hit rock bottom himself before he makes the decision to change.
>his drinking and his avoidant tendencies around that and a deep shame he clearly has (but won’t let me close to).
>He started hiding drinking from me once I started to question how much he drank. I’ve given him several chances to change and he has finally said he will quit drinking.
First, OP, I am very sorry about the miscarriage.
Your partner has baggage that he is trying to cover with alcohol & avoidance. He refuses to talk about his shame issues. Then he started hiding his drinking. You haven’t said, but it sounds like he has not sought help for any of these unhealthy behaviors.
So stopping the drinking isn’t enough. He needs rehab & intensive, probable long-term therapy for his inner pain, both of which will take a lot of time, commitment & hard work. At 44, is he really going to do that? Only if he wants to get well, & there’s no way for you to know if he will until he does it.
You have to decide what you want from him, & how long you will wait. If he geys help & does well, & then relapses in a few months, or 6 months, or a year, what then? What will be enough for you to feel safe & able to trust him not to hide the drinking again?
In the meantime, please please please use reliable birth control. He is in no shape to be a stressed new father, nor are you in a stable enough relationship to depend on him as an exhausted new mother.
All this being said, imo it would be better for you two to break up so he can concentrate on his recovery without distraction. You deserve a healthy partner & relationship that is joyful & gives you peace of mind.
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