So the topic came up about my brothers and my family. To me, my family is the among the most precious things I have. I’m incredibly proud to have my brothers and I’m so proud to know that they are good men. I would die for my brothers. If there is one thing I want in life it’s to see them happy at an old age.
My mom is my superhero and I’m so incredibly happy I have her in my life.
This is just to get the idea of my relationship with my family. We often visit and go on vacations throughout the year. These are moments when I feel like I belong the most in this world.
So, my partner, I felt got very hesitant when I was talking about how I want her to be part of my life and, in that, part of my family. This is not about her not wanting a future with me 😊 we are both pretty settled in that together, we want to have each other (we are long distance rn btw). I explained to her that my whole family would want her to be part of us. xD sounds so cult like, sorry if I’m not the best at explaining, we have a healthy family dynamic.
I tried explaining that sharing my life means sharing my life. I can’t leave my family to be with her. Now she DOES NOT want that ok don’t worry, she says she definitely wants me to be with my family..
but my concern is that she isn’t expressing any desire to partake in that. “I have nothing to do with your brotherd”, “I only want you”.
I even said that I don’t want it to become like that in the future when I go with them on vacations or get togethers, without you. And she replied “What if it has to be this way”.
I could possibly be overthinking this but I definitely don’t want her to feel outside, I want to make her feel a part. We want to marry but am I supposed to be away from my wife when I’m with family? 😠I just want her to be with me, not on the sidelines.
Is it wrong to want someone to be with me in my family? And also kinda want her to say that when I ask her about it?
She also says it isn’t serious to her (this topic) but to me it is and I’m just afraid of skipping it.
Please come with criticism and counter arguments. I know it’s hard to explain a full dynamic so I know things are missing. I’m interested in thoughts.
Thank you if you read my post 🤗 I love my partner please don’t speak ill, she has a right to her own wants and needs.
TLDR: I don’t know if partner is wanting to fully share life’s together. Meaning sharing family and not just being with me without the rest of the package so to speak?
Comments
>I can’t leave my family to be with her.
Can you expand on this?
I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to be a part of the family. Typically in relationships, at least in my experience, my partner would join in on my family vacations and I would join in with theirs. Family dinners, holidays, all of it. To me, that’s part of being in a partnership.
Are you talking about going on occasional vacations and holidays, or are you suggesting an Everybody Loves Raymond situation where they are in your house every day?
If you are long distance, it sounds like you are asking her to make all the sacrifices while you make none. IMO, you should choose your partner above everyone else. You need to build your life separately from your immediate family, and then rediscover how to integrate them into that life.
Ultimately, you might not be compatible with this person.
Has she met your family? Does she get along with them? You think the sun shines out of their asses, but does she share that perspective? Did they maybe do or say something that gave her pause?
Does she have a good relationship with her family? If she hasn’t had the same experience growing up, where family is a good thing instead of a burden, she may be very hesitant to get involved with someone who is so reliant on family. I’m 40 and your perspective is entirely foreign to me.
You will need to tone down the codependency with your family, at least until she gets used to them/comfortable with them. Like, it’s a lot and I’m just reading it. I couldn’t imagine dating into that dynamic.
>(we are long distance rn btw). I explained to her that my whole family would want her to be part of us.
I tried explaining that sharing my life means sharing my life. I can’t leave my family to be with her.
Now she DOES NOT want that ok don’t worry, she says she definitely wants me to be with my family.. but my concern is that she isn’t expressing any desire to partake in that.
She barely knows you, how could she say that she’d want to be enmeshed with your family to the same degree that you are?
Essentially you want to insert a SO into your preexisting birth family unit. Most people would not be excited to “partake in that.” Generally people want to pursue a romantic relationship with a partner, and then together they establish their own life as a couple.
>Is it wrong to want someone to be with me in my family? And also kinda want her to say that when I ask her about it?
Personally, I think you’re asking a lot. This may be a cultural thing, but coming from a Western perspective, it sounds horrifying. If she were to say that she enthusiastically wanted to become absorbed into your family unit – especially at this point in your relationship – she would almost certainly be lying. I also wonder what would happen if you found someone similarly family oriented, but they were equally attached to their own family and wanted *you* to be the one inserted into *their* family.