I (41F) recently found out my partner (44M) of 2 years has been chatting with a 20 year old woman (his friend’s niece) via Instagram. They met at a party one night about 8 month ago (he was supposed to be going round to his friends house for a few drinks and ended up staying the night there). I’ve never met her, he never mentioned her, it was only eight months later during a fight that it came to the surface (because I looked at his phone and saw a message and asked him about it. Yep, I should not have donethat). But I am really pissed with him for forming a secret friendship (or whatever it is) with a girl 15 years younger than him and not telling me about. He says it’s harmless, I think it sucks. Is it ok for a partnered middle aged man to be direct messaging with a much younger woman? Even if the messages are (apparently) harmless?
TL;DR Partner DM ing much younger woman; I’m not ok with this.
Comments
Hey, as a guy reading this, I totally get where you’re coming from. “Harmless” is such a buzzword when someone’s caught doing something they know they shouldn’t have.
Here’s why it’s a no-go, even if the messages are innocent:
He didn’t just casually mention someone to you; he actually nurtured this connection in secret, and it only came to light because you peeked at his phone (which, okay, you admit happens sometimes when your gut is telling you something). The fact that he stayed out all night with his friend, she was there, and he never even mentioned her name for eight months really says a lot.
You’re not “overreacting.” You’re responding to a serious breach of trust and respect. He needs to realize that his actions, especially the secrecy and the way he brushed off your feelings, are the main issue here, not just the age of the other person or the (supposedly) harmless nature of the messages.
Personally, I think you’re asking the wrong question. And honestly you shouldn’t even be asking a question like because how you feel about what he’s doing should be the only thing that matters.
What if you get people telling you “oh its fine if he’s texting younger women, he says they are friends, dont you trust your husband?” Is that going to make you feel better about it? No lol.
You just need to tell him what he is doing is making you uncomfortable and that you want him to stop. The flip side of that is you need to know what you will do if he decides not to, which I think there’s only one obvious choice if that were to happen, but maybe you’re not ready/wanting to make that choice so you dont tell him how it makes you feel.
I keep trying to find a way to rationalize it but I can’t. So no, it’s not ok.
Out of curiosity, why did you look at his phone in the first place? Were there trust issues already?
What were the messages like? Are there a lot of them? If it’s his friend’s niece and the messages are seemingly innocuous (and sporadic), then not much to worry about.
If they’re chatting a lot and he’s constantly starting the conversations, then he’s a sad man trying to garner attention from a woman that is young enough to be his daughter. Ew.
Was in another sub and the supported argument was: men can and should be able to have platonic women as friends, and should be able to hangout alone with them, even when they have a gf or are married.
Call me old fashioned but as soon as I couple up, my “friends” become acquaintances and I am never alone with them. And that I expect my partner to do the same. BUT, if she wants to do that, she is welcome to leave me and do just that.
Not surprisingly I got called manipulative, insecure, toxic, etc., but also not surprisingly also, the guy making the claim also posted 10 minutes later that he has slept with several of his platonic women friends.
You’ve already said it, you’re not okay with this. And he didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t be. You don’t need strangers on reddit to validate your feelings, that’s weird af and would be justifiable grounds for breaking up imo.
This is all fucked up. I’m 43 and my step kid is like the same age as your partner’s friend.
My other kids are all in elementary and middle school. My brain categorizes these as all one category.
What the fuck do I have to say to someone in their 20’s? That’s a kid.
Like get your shit together and leave. Fuck this shit.
It’s not harmless. You said you recently found out, which suggests that he’s been hiding this from you for months. I get messages from men all the time on Instagram, and I’m the same age as your partner. But I’ve gotten messages from random men for years. Men like your partner treat Instagram like a dating app and DM tons of women on there in the hopes that some will write back. I never do. If it really was harmless, he wouldn’t have hidden it from you. If you have joint finances, check his spending. He might be blowing a bunch of money on her.