I am engaged, my partner (27M) and I (25F) have not been intimate physically in over a month now. Before that we had sex only when I initiated it. I could tell he wasn’t that into it so then I stopped asking. Since then nothing has happened.
Everything else is absolutely amazing in the relationship so I am okay to overlook this for now. Can people in sexless marriages help with any coping mechanisms for this?
Edit: We had a great sex life before I gained weight. To give you context, I gained 30 kgs in 1 year. He even told me once it was the weight gain that made him lose his attraction for me. It was shattering for me to hear that but he is a nice partner and just apart from this everytjing is amazing. The reason I am asking for how to cope is because I am hoping that this is a temporary phase. He is also quite busy in his job. So I was hoping if I lose weight then he might be attracted again. Till then, I wanted advice for how to cope.
Thank you for the help!
Comments
Porn. Have a conversation with him about it. I think it causes alot of sexless marriages. Communication and intention. Talk to him about the struggles. Be intentional about your time together. Make time for romance and intimacy. May also be a medical problem. Low T, depression, mental health etc.
If your relationship is showing signs of being sexually incompatible, then you should not get married. Marriage just makes existing problems worse. You should get couple’s therapy and see if you can work out a solution to this problem BEFORE you get married.
Even though I hate it when my wife asks me what I’m really into (guys in my case & she knew when we got married many moons ago) but have a really serious relationship conversation about what really makes his dick hard & is that going to work with y’all as a couple, he may not wish to ever come out. Good luck. 🍀
Do not marry into a sexless relationship hoping it will improve. Marriage rarely fixes existing issues, it magnifies them. Address this now or resign yourself to a platonic partnership.
It’s up to you dear if you want a sexless marriage.. this is way too early in the relationship..it’s usually the women that stops… rethink this relationship… sex and intimacy is #1 in my book… but I’am a guy..
As you ask coping mechanisms and not whether you should go ahead or not (with the marriage) I keep my reply confined to your question –
the best way I figured out is to keep myself super occupied. Right from morning when I wake up till I fall down on the bed at 3:30 am, you will find me busy with something or the other. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, my work/job, teaching my kid etc etc.
That way you are so tired off by the end of the day, that you have no interest in anything else but a quiet and peaceful rest for a few hours.
And i have been doing it since the past 10+ years now. Not that I could leave my wife, it is just that I cannot leave her – like you, we have a better relationship on many other contexts.
Edit: I did try yoga, meditation etc, but honestly I am not that guy who can trust and gain from them. I know, it is my fault but just that these did not help me in any way here.
If things have gone “sexless” and you’re even married yet, you’re pretty much doomed to a r/deadbeadrooms scenario. It’s not going to get any better.
Masturbation is the only real way to deal with this.
That said, is your partner on any kind of SNRI/SSRI anti-depressant meds, or a heavy weed smoker? All of these can greatly diminish libido.
Man I wish my girl would initiate it’s always me. I could easily do it everyday or every other but I get tired of asking. We still do it twice a week so I live with it but to be honest I want more
Is it gain in denial to others or even himself, marrying you as a cover-up? This is the time you should be at it the most.
As hard as it will be don’t marry into a sexless marriage! My wife and I had a great sex life for years and the last two years a switch was flipped where she’s not interested in me anyway. She started to work away and we grew apart and now it’s been 8-9 months since we’ve had sex. It’s absolutely sole crushing to me. Ive always had pretty low confidence as I don’t last the longest but this has destroyed every amount of confidence I had. We are trying to see if counselling will help and if it doesn’t I’m moving on. I love my wife but the absence of physical touch and intimacy is to much. It causes a fight every other week and nothing changes. Walk away now while it’s still easy
If sex is important to you, you need to sit down and have a discussion about this before you commit to marriage. Sexual incompatibility is a huge deal breaker for many.
I stayed in a 100% dead bedroom for 10 years, I left for more reasons than just that, but it was a massive part of it. There was no coping mechanisms. Just jealously when viewing sex on TV, movies or video games. Resentment because he wouldn’t do anything to make it possible. Just misery.
Why are you asking about how to deal with it, rather than asking if you should get married or not? You’re only 25. It makes sense to be sexless if u can’t find a good partner or if you want to focus on other goals. But walking into a sexless marriage? Voluntarily? Why?
Get out now. The “everything else is fine” rationale is bullshit. Sexual incompatibility will translate into a lifetime of resentment, regret, and emotional instability. Do not have a kid. It will not make things better. (Unless, you are both willing to have an open marriage)
Physical intimacy is a valid need, and it is okay to want closeness with your partner, for not just the physical but also emotional connection it brings.
Intimacy ebbs and flows, but silence around it breeds resentment. Coping mechanisms help, but communication is the real medicine here.
Your ok now because it’s been 1 month. How about when it 1 year 2 years 10 years. Address it now. Don’t marry him and tell him until this doesn’t get fix. You can’t move forward with marriage.
No after a while your marriage will become friendship.
Most people who get married stop having sex
That’s normal.