I’ve heard of people doing this, I’ve seen online posts about it etc.
Someone will be saying that they’re in a loving relationship, but that they feel like they’re missing out on single life, and usually they’re referring to sleeping with other people.
And as someone who is on the asexual spectrum, this seems like such an alien concept. Is sex with strangers really so great that you would throw away the type of love that you might not find again? I feel like the relationship maybe isn’t actually as loving as they think so they’re using “wanting to experience single life” as a cover up, because surely if it was fully loving, and they were your soulmate, you wouldn’t even contemplate risking losing them.
I guess I’m curious about people’s thoughts on this. Are there really people who end a genuinely loving relationship with someone who almost could be their soulmate, just so they can have sex with others? I get that sex with loads of people seems awesome for a lot of people, and that’s cool, but it seems really hard to find someone you genuinely love. Is it really worth risking losing that? I wonder if these people ever end up regretting it. Maybe this comes across as judgemental idk. I’d appreciate people’s insights!
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Very often it’s a mental health thing. Mania can easily cause this.
You can be in a genuinely loving relationship and it not be what you want for yourself at that moment in time. Plenty of people breakup because they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore
No I think you’re right, if the relationship was actually that loving and wonderful they wouldn’t yearn for single life. I think a lot of people are reluctant to leave relationships that are fine but not great, or because of the sunk cost fallacy. I don’t know why you’d leave a happy relationship for potential sex with other people if you were actually fulfilled.
As someone in long relationship from young age we both have been curious about how it would be dating or even being with someone else. Especially in our twenties before wedding we discussed it. However in our case we found we are not curious enough to try it. I guess some people are.
I think it’s mostly used as a) an excuse to get out of a relationship while letting the other person down easily or b) because they actually aren’t really ready to be in a relationship, no matter how loving. That said, some people aren’t suited for monogamy and maybe haven’t figured out yet how to navigate a serious non-monogamous relationship.
“When sex is good, it’s 10% of the relationship. When it’s bad or nonexistent, it’s 90% of the relationship.”
Very hard thing to explain to someone who is by your own admission asexual. You can’t still think fondly and love the other person but people have needs.
I’ve only seen it happen for people who got together very young, while some other “from young” couples decide to open up their relationship for some time instead because they value the underlying bond too much. But, yeah, the reason was always they’d only ever dated their then-partner, so they needed to break up in order to treat a severe case of FOMO.
Incidentally, I’ve noticed that the person who usually suffers most after this type of breakup is the one who initiated it. The one who was dumped usially has a tough year or two and then finds an even better person not too long afterward. I’ve genuinely seen this pattern play out four times by this point and find that very interesting. Something something attachment styles, maybe.
The people who say this usually got married too young. Getting married in your 20s, or without getting your fill of dating, is a kiss of death for most relationships eventually.
I got married in my 30s, and even though I’m in an outstanding relationship, I still miss aspects of dating and sleeping around, but I accept that that part of my life is over.
That being said, I GREATLY enjoyed the freedom of sleeping around and experiencing different people in my youth. So I can see how people who partner up or get married too young kind of lose their shit and break up over it.
I don’t believe in soulmates, personally. I think people who are healthy/well adjusted can find love relatively easily and that people aren’t limited to this idea of soulmates or “one true love”.
I’m happily married and I love my husband endlessly. I also didn’t get married until I was 29. I feel like the overwhelming majority of people who are trying to enjoy single life are under 25 and that makes perfect sense from my perspective. Being able to live life on your own terms without being tied down to someone is something every young adult should experience. Even the healthiest and happiest relationship is a huge responsibility and it’s nice to experience some time without that.
I think there is nothing wrong with it but I do think if someone gets to this point they probably didn’t love their partner very much OR their relationship wasn’t good for them.
I love being single, according to 2 psychics I trust, April is my month of “new love” apparently I will get into a relationship – but it feels way too soon LMAO, unless this is just when I’ll MEET them.
I’m also such a “homebody” and very introverted, so I won’t lie I wondered how I’d even meet this person.
And then the last 3 days I’ve been getting signs to “put myself out there, meet people” LOL.
However I don’t want it to be forced so I’m going to continue only going somewhere If I truly want to.. And truly living how I want 🙂
I have done this, back when I bought into the “everyone eventually has to settle down into monogamy” cultural programming.
It was because being in a relationship is not how I’m wired. Single is my natural state. I know that now, so I stay single.
I guarantee a lot of the people who do whhat you describe think settling down into committed monogamy is the only way of being and as such they have to “sow the wild oats” first.
I’m on the opposite side of the sexual spectrum to you. The freedom to have sex with multiple people appeals to me far more than being in a relationship, which has always made me feel trapped.
We’re all different and yes, your post does sound judgmental. I’m judgmental myself in a lot of ways, but since you mentioned it, yeah.
As someone who’s 22 I understand why some might break up for that reason. I always tell myself I want to be selfish in my 20s meaning o want to experience having my own apartment to myself etc
I think regardless of your position in life, there will be times where the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. I mean that’s true for career, life choices and relationships. And sometimes in relationships people can start reminiscing about their young adult days and remember how fun that was, how carefree. And they sometimes can begin to think “I can have that again-I want that again.”
Sometimes it’s the right decision, sometimes it’s not. But, I think only those that “bite that bullet” find out which is true for them.
I’ve only seen this in young people who have never been alone. Typically I have seen it come from a young woman who wants to get to know herself as a human being separate from living with her parents or a partner or being committed to the relationship. There’s a lot of compromises that are common for a young woman to make when in a relationship without necessarily being conscious of it, so a lot of this seems to be driven by her uncovering this and wanting to know herself free of the pressure to make these compromises. Sadly it is very common for young women to really lose herself in a relationship – usually her interest in her partner’s hobbies and friends is not reciprocated, so over time this can result in her losing touch with what nourishes her and even her own friends.
Ocassionally I’ve seen this happen due to a young lady who felt like they always had to conform to what their partner wanted sexually, and thus never got to develop themselves as a sexual being outside of their partner’s preferences. This happened in the context of her male partner being insecure in a way which led her to catering to him and not feel able to be sexual on terms that fully felt authentic to her. It seemed more of a sense of a response to feeling trapped and dehumanized rather than simply wanting to experience more sexual partners. I gather this contributed to her eventually breaking up with him.
Both of the above examples are more due to genuine self exploration & growth and not out of a desire to sleep around.
When I’ve heard of people breaking up just to sleep around, it’s been a young guy breaking up with friends of mine, so between that and another bias, I have honestly have judged this as the person not really being committed to their relationship, and how disposable and hurt friends impacted by this felt. My perspectives may be influenced by being on the demisexual spectrum and finding there to be far more sexual freedom within a healthy, committed relationship than outside of one, which of course is not everyone’s experience, and it’s valid to enjoy sex outside of relationships.
I was single for most of my teens and twenties and found an amazing partner at 27. I do not recommend the single life at all. Lots of loneliness. Plenty of freedom, total control of your schedule, no difficult conversations. But damn the loneliness sucks. I can understand being curious about the different lifestyle but I’m so happy I got to experience it to know I do not want to go back and would never sacrifice my wonderful relationship for it
A happy relationship also comes with a lot of extra responsibilities and expectations that you can’t really neglect without impacting the other person negatively. You don’t make decisions alone, most things factor in your partner.
Being single is very freeing – you create your own schedule, you can have/do/eat whatever you want whenever you want. There’s no expectation on your time or your future. You get to travel and meet people and you only worry about your own boundaries. It’s AWESOME. It’s even more awesome when the alternative is a less-than-healthy relationship. I’ve definitely left relationships because I was unhappy with the guy I was dating, because I was dealing with a lot of family issues, or because work stress took priority.
Being in healthy relationship is awesome too, but it sounds like you already know all those benefits, so I won’t go over them.
Did this at 30. It wasn’t so much about sleeping with other people as it was a sheer desperation for full autonomy in my life (from what I ate for dinner to the route I walked to the store… seriously!). The compromising was just too much and those little things felt so overwhelming. I had never been a single adult. I yearned to just be me with no influence, expectations or compromise. I absolutely left my soul mate. I regretted it after a while then I made peace with it.
Usually there’s something else going on, sometimes the people involved don’t even know what exactly it is because they never dive deep and figure it out, so they tell themselves/other people what’s sitting at the surface, which is they want to experience single life. Reality is, they probably don’t like their partner that much anymore.
I left a fine relationship of 13 years. I got married very young and I simply didn’t want to be married anymore. I looked at it like a thing I tried, it was fine, and now it was time to move on. Not to immediately fill the “husband vacancy” either, I am still single 1.5 years later with zero interest of marrying ever again. But the break down WAS because I simply didn’t like my husband anymore. All the things I loved about him as a sheltered 19 year old, I absolutely hated as a 30 year old woman.
From seeing these things go down…IMO it’s less about the sex and more about the promise and excitement of single life. When you’re in a relationship, a lot of things are more or less set. You know how good it’s going to get. But when you’re single…every new person is shiny and exciting and represents the potential of an amazing future (or at the very least, the explosive fun of brand new sex with them). That cute new person you just met could fit the hole in your life exactly right and sweep you away to a perfect life. They probably won’t, but that feeling of hope and excitement combined with attraction is intoxicating for some people.
Of course, if you’re truly happy in a relationship, you probably know that it’s not worth throwing away. IME if someone’s actually breaking up with their long term partner to try the “single life,” they either are unhappy/dissatisfied already or have deep rooted issues.
I think it’s interesting that some of the judgiest takes on this post are from people who are ace or demi- i.e. people who are used to being judged for not prioritising sex (and to be clear, they should not be judged for that.)
And yet they somehow think it’s fine to make unflattering assumptions about people for whom sex is a priority.
I did this to my boyfriend when I was 19 and I still regret it
I’m in the minority- poly 💕instead of potentially separating. We married early 20s after being together from late teens, hit 12 years of marriage (the puberty of marriage, as they say) and had a frank and honest series of discussions about marriage hindering parts of our identity. We decided to open, mutually and with respect for each other, because we have always prioritized our (collective and individual) happiness and that sense of being limited by the institution of marriage was holding us both back in our early 30s. Not even “just” sexually! From forming meaningful relationships and lasting community, above all.
We also both experience “compersion”, which is a sense of joy at your partner’s joy. I am happiest when I know my partner is having fun on a date and others are helping fill his cup, whether romantic/sexual or platonic. I know I’m not perfect and can’t be everything he needs, and vice versa. Other people provide valuable emotional support and validate who we are as individuals.
We’ve both unpacked a lot of comphet, trauma, and patriarchy. Both of us are ace, ironically, so actually going to bang other people was pretty scary for me. But I’ve found so much joy and community and authenticity in the poly/ENM/kink spaces — I wouldn’t go back to monogamy ever. It’s enriched my life and our partnership so much. My partner has too- it’s been a longer journey for him because apps suck for AMAB dudes. But we’re both in good places of self acceptance in part thanks to reflecting ourselves against others than our primary partner of 10+ years. And experiencing true autonomy, which is something marriage often removes even in subtle ways. I had lost my sense of self and have had the privilege to find it again (and same for my husband)
Idk if that makes any sense, and it’s not for everyone! But it’s a rapidly growing community of former theatre kid nerds in the post-COVID era, at least around us, haha
When I was 17, I started dating a 24 yr old and it was a great relationship until I hit 21. He was 28 by then and just wanting to settle down with me, whereas I wanted to figure out my career, travel, etc. I’d gone from living with my parents and having to do what I’m told, to being in a serious relationship and having to decide everything through compromise. I just wanted to be my own person and do the things I wanna do, so I ended the relationship even though it was very stable and loving. Kinda broke my own heart, but he met someone else (older), she got preggo and they married shortly after, which I was totally not ready for at the time. It made me feel good about my decision. I was just too young.
As for the sleeping around stuff, I was curious about that too, tried it out, and found most men to be very disappointing. Definitely NOT worth leaving a good relationship for. But self-discovery? Worth it every time.
I don’t believe in having just one or any soulmate at all. Different people will fit you at different times in your life.
Another aspect that isn’t talked about is this occurs in a % of women when they hit perimenopause and hormonal changes occur
They’ll come up with every reasoning under the sun for doing it, but at its core it’s a change in brain chemistry and hormones
Well, I was married to an ace, and asked once if we could consider opening the relationship so I would be able to fulfill some needs. He said no, I respected it. A year later he came clean after cheating during the summer. I still fought for “us” because of the kids, he eventually left. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I’m in a loving relationship.
I can’t imagine being in a happy & fulfilling relationship AND wanting to ditch that for variety.
Because logically, if what you have is good/excellent… any variety is bound to introduce mediocre and bad into the rotation. Just statistically.
So I suspect people SAY “its a good relationship, but I just want to experience new things…”
But they actually mean “They have not mistreated me, but I am not getting my needs met.”
I think that can happen when two people have limited experience, and they have been going back-and-forth trying to convince each other , is normal & nothing NEEDS to change. And to stop the fight, the frustrated partner just tries their hardest to believe .
Then, when they are not under the peer pressure if the relationship… they look for confirmation that they are “right” to want XYZ. Then they work up the guts to leave, feeling like they already tried to explain it and it fell on deaf ears.
So the ACTUAL relationship problem is rooted in one party denying the other has a “right” to want or need something different than they had in the past. It can either be laziness, or fear of being inadequate… but they put their head in the sand instead of considering that most people won’t wait forever.
If you look at some of the relationship subreddits – its usually not something crazy, like they want to try sex WHILE sky diving. It’s usually something subtle like they miss oral sex, want to try toys, aren’t getting enough flirtation or affection from their spouse, or the frequency or satisfaction is too low.
Because if the leaving partner is asking for something extreme, it will usually be worded different.
This is one of the main reasons I’ve been polyamorous for nearly a decade now: the idea of having to choose between safe, stable love and fun romantic adventures was depressing to me, and fortunately it’s not a choice I have to make anymore. It’s certainly not the right choice for everyone, but it’s right for me and for my partners.
I started dating my ex sophomore year of college and after eight years we ended things because he was constantly torn between wanting to really just sleep with a bunch more people or settle down with me. What he really wanted was for me to wait around while he fucked around and resume once his curiosity was sated. I told him where to shove it and six years later I’m so happy with my husband and baby while he’s still single and from the sounds of the random messages he sends me, very unhappy about it.
I don’t know what it was for him. Probably a mixture of
I’ve been in an OK long term relationship. I started missing single life because the relationship wasn’t really serving me in a deeper level. I felt like I had lost myself in the relationship. I didn’t feel beautiful or wanted, I didn’t really even feel appreciated. He’d get pissy at me if I didn’t give him constant attention. I was in my 30s but started to feel like a rebelling teenager who yearned for freedom and finding their identity again.
Maybe for some people it’s just sleeping with other people but I just actually wanted to shake off the emotionally draining and needy adult size toddler I had singlemothered for years.
I don’t believe in soulmates
I don’t believe in “love you might not find again.” Nobody is that special. There are billions of people, people are just people not some rare unicorn. I’m confident there’s plenty of love out there.
Love is not all I need. I was in a loving relationship, but ultimately he couldn’t give me everything I needed. We weren’t sexually compatible, and it wasn’t something either of us could change about ourselves even tho we tried.
When you come to this conflict, you could either separate permanently or outsource that part of their relationship. That way you can still enjoy 90% of them.
It’s like if neither of us like cooking we could order takeout. Sex is more complicated than cooking, but I believe some couples can make it work because they can separate sex from feelings. You can still love someone but sleep with someone else. I’m not saying this is a good idea for most people tho. But ppl also break up for any reasons, it doesn’t have to be so deep.
As someone that was single in their mid/late 20s I can tell you the “single life” it’s awful and unfulfilling. Now that I am in a serious and committed relationship, I feel very happy.
Being in a relationship is never perfect, there will always be something to compromise on. For some people it’s worth it to compromise (in this case, only having one sexual partner) and for some people they can’t admit to themselves that they’re not willing to compromise on it because that means they have to admit something is wrong. Most people feel like there needs to be some disastrous event to break it off with their “loving partner” but you can just not be right for each other without hurting each other. Not having sexual needs met by one person counts as not being right for each other IMO, if it matters to someone so much they would consider leaving to experience it. I encourage people to leave for less, if it really matters lol
This also assumes these people are with their “one” love of their lifetime and this is the mentality that traps people in relationships. “What if I don’t find someone better” is already a losing mental game. You’re already settling if you have that thought in your relationship.
I think women will often be sexually disappointed but if you need to do it, do it.
Though the grass isn’t always greener
I have only seen this in couples who haven’t grown together.