Ultimate better understanding of myself and why I’m the way I am but it has slightly backfired and made me more self-conscious in some ways. Realizing you’re autistic as an adult is the ultimate liberation, especially when your life doesn’t resemble everyone elses despite your best efforts.
My childhood suddenly made a lot more sense in retrospect. But it was also a source of deep grief and mourning that I wasn’t able to get help at a time in my life that it would have made a difference.
Not really. I still feel like an imposter with the label even though I was officially diagnosed. And I don’t really need any additional supports, so it’s just been business as usual.
Ye s. I’d previously been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Also had to fight against being slapped with bipolar/borderline diagnoses because they’re the “female” metal health issues. Over a decade or so I tried a bunch of medication, including ketamine, with 0 positive results. The typical therapy didn’t do a lot of god either.
I ended up randomly taking a bunch of online ASD assessments, which I have never done before, and scored ridiculously high on all of them. Mentioned it to my Dr, who actually listened and I got tested.
Getting the diagnosis has been very helpful. So many little jumbled pieces of my life finally clicked. I’ve stopped the horrible medication experiments and started therapy that’s actually been helpful.
There’s definitely been a grief process going one, but overall I’m glad to know what my underlying issue is and how to actually help myself.
I was about 18 (so four years ago)
Nothing huge changed. I’d suspected autism since I was about twelve, I think. I’d been reading/researching for years, so it kind of just confirmed what I already knew.
I don’t mask as much as I used to. People still seem to like me, and it’s easier when I don’t mask. It’s nice that I know for sure now, it really explained my childhood, but I wish I had known for sure earlier on.
When my husband was diagnosed, it gave us tools to understand his behaviour, his emotions, and his struggles. We also gained the ability to research for solutions that worked for other people with autism instead of constantly wondering “why?”. It explained everything and changed the context for everything. Autism isn’t easy but being depressed because you can’t do what you’re expected to do and you don’t know why is far worse.
I was able to make sense about a lot things that didn’t make sense to me and was better able to account for things that could happen going forward.
I know you see people online who like to use autism as a catchall scapegoat. But honestly is more akin to going to the eye doctor and flips the lens until it lands on one that clears your perspective up.
What changed for me is now I let myself engage in behaviour that stems from autism, whereas before I tried my hardest to “act normal” and “be normal”.
But I have internalised a lot of the “be normal” stuff so I sometimes still beat myself up about behaving like a person with autism. And I feel a lot of grief for younger me who tried so fucking hard for so many years. It feels like I harmed myself by putting so much energy into masking. And sometimes I wonder how much unconscious masking I still do.
I’m not diagnosed yet but I’m 99% sure myself and have been for over 20 years. I have had my initial assessment which indicated I probably have adhd, autism, dyslexia, dyscalcuia and dyspraxia.
It’s already brought me some relief to know that some of the things that have interrupted my life the most are just because my brain is wired that way.
Like the top comment says there’s also some grief around who I could have been if I’d had help.
I dropped out of university despite leaving secondary school with the highest exam results in my year so I’m not stupid, I just couldn’t handle university.
My marriage likely failed because I think we are both autistic and that was a struggle. I am selectively mute, (i hate that phrase as there’s nothing really selective about it as I physically cannot make myself speak when I’m upset, looks a lot like the silent treatment when it’s not I literally cannot speak.) my ex has huge empathy for the world and have worked for charities for over 20 years. Is in amnesty international and has been on radio and tv during human rights protests. The man has so much empathy for the world but struggles to have empathy for his friends and family members and that was hugely difficult for me particularly. If we’d gotten diagnosed when we were younger possibly we could have navigated our marriage better. That said I’m glad we both are pretty sure now as we have a pretty great co parenting relationship.
I do also think my kids are autistic but both are highly intelligent so school have not picked it up. I’m hoping my own diagnosis when it comes may help my kids with one too.
Had a Menty B because it all made sense and was also diagnosed with ADHD so with its powers combined! Yeah it all made sense but also what’s worse is my parents knew and didn’t want me to know so I would you know “act normal” which made criticism and abuse a bit more severe. Im also a lady and ladies or girls are not supposed to be able to run faster than boys or climb trees or want to look at bugs or play in mud and I did all of that. I found nature comforting. After the breakdown though I let myself be my true self and I’m much more at peace and happier for it and no more judgmental family.
My depression has gotten so better. I am able to work through the feeling that I never do anything right. Cause I don’t. And that’s ok. It’s not anything I’m DOING. It’s who I am.
I’m also better able to advocate for myself. I can’t communicate my discomfort if I don’t know I’m the only one uncomfortable.
I feel a lot less guilt for being “antisocial”. For not drinking or partying or meeting up with friends on the weekends or for not wanting kids. All of the expectations I put on myself, that society put on me, no longer apply. I am a weird autistic lady with 4 cats and a husband who loves me and that’s all I need. And if I can’t handle traffic today, that’s fine. If I can’t deal with family today, they understand. My niece doesn’t get upset if I don’t make it to her lacrosse game.
Everything changed. Most of the self-hate and shame faded away. The ghost of my inner child felt vindicated (mostly). I always knew I was an alien, but I felt as if I had some amnesia, and couldn’t recall which planet I fell from. I can take the human mask off now. (Mostly).
I gave myself grace for my childhood and teen struggles. I also got work accommodations that have helped me tremendously.
But the biggest take away is finally understanding why I struggled for so many unhappy years and allowing myself to not guilt/beat up my life path because the world was not made for me but forcing me to be what it wants.
Realizing that every interaction I had with people was not what I thought it was. People think differently than me, and I probably didn’t understand what was going on when I thought everything was okay.
I never understood why I was losing friends until I realized that I may have been too blunt or critical in some of my interactions. Everything in the last 35 years became clearer and I understood things a little differently.
Realizing that my struggles weren’t entirely my fault, that my brain didn’t work the say way as everyone around me.
Realizing that my parents (or any other adult in my life) didn’t care enough to notice my struggles to have me tested. My mother still believes autism is caused by vaccines.
Finding out that my struggles in school were explainable. I had difficulties in Language Arts and Social Studies. Teachers called me lazy for not writing more in my answers. But I just didn’t have the ability to really explain things through writing.
Yes I started accepting myself more instead of fighting myself. Further I learned terms that helped me understand how to communicate my needs, and I learned how to understand them better.
The biggest one: I tried for 15 years to get myself sterilised, no doc would touch me. Months after my diagnosis suddenly I was finding doctors receptive to the idea and finally had the operation. The change in their attitude could’ve been caused from my advanced age, or the new diagnosis. I suspect it was a bit of both.
Small stuff: I’m a bit more forgiving to myself about the social stuff I can’t get right, despite desperately trying. Still kick my own ass when I come to the realisation that I’ve put my foot in my mouth again, but I get over it quicker. The midnight cringe fest of self hate is much reduced.
I can say to myself, it is what it is, and accept it.
i was diagnosed last year at 20, and it was such a moment of clarity after being unsure for so long. i’ll admit i’ve had struggles with accepting that this is the truth, this is who i am and have always been. but i’m learning to give myself more grace and help the people around me to understand my needs too. overall pretty positive! 🙂
Assessment was two years ago when I was 34 – processing it is still ongoing. It explains a lot, but it’s proving surprisingly difficult to forgive myself for things that weren’t entirely my fault. Not that I’m absolved of all responsibility, but things would have been very different if I knew then what I know now.
I am also entirely blind to any sort of romantic interest, but that’s no great loss. I don’t think I’d make a good partner.
Well I wasn’t diagnosed as an adult- I just found out I was diagnosed as an adult, so I don’t know if it applies let me explain;
I was diagnosed as a kid and my mother didn’t tell me and wouldn’t let them put it on my records because she was afraid it would “hurt my academic prospects”.
Well as it turns out trying to function in the world as an autistic person who doesn’t know they’re an autistic person WILL HURT THEIR ACADEMIC PROSPECTS.
When my mom finally told me in my late 20s I was floored. It made everything fall into line.
Why I have to fake eye contact by looking at people’s foreheads. Why I got so overwhelmed so easily. Why some noises that bothered nobody would drill into my head. Why I never seemed to be on the same page socially. Why my facial expressions didn’t seem to line up with what I was feeling. Why holding down a job was so difficult. Why my sense of humor was off. Why I was always seeking sensory experiences. Why it always felt like I was acting instead of socializing. Why I cared less about dressing and being “weird”. Why I didn’t seem to form biases against people the same way as others.
I used to associate it with ADHD, which was a diagnosis she did accept because my father was diagnosed ADHD in the 1970s and was part of big clinical trials- hard to deny. Also it could be medicated.
Honestly it made me feel both angry (because it was hidden from me) but also… Better. I didn’t feel broken. I didn’t feel like a failure. I finally understood why I didn’t thrive!! Not much has changed other than knowing where to look for tools on how to navigate the world when it gets too much and knowing that I’m not just defunct… I’m just different… And that’s okay.
It helped me suddenly make sense of a lot of things and find better solutions to overcome them.
It also improved my mental state a lot because I realised there was an actual reason I, for example, can’t be anywhere near polystyrene when it moves because of the sound it makes, and I’m able to properly explain it all now, rather than just being “difficult” like I was before.
A lot of things I’d previously dismissed as quirks or as just me being “weird” or “different” or otherwise abnormal suddenly made sense. The diagnosis has also allowed me to be a bit kinder to myself (not by much, but that’s a behaviour I’m working to change), and it has given me the words and power to request adjustments at work that can allow me to do better as an employee (and so hopefully keep a job for longer).
That said, it has also fucked up my ability to mask by forcing me to realise that I was masking for most of my life, which has led to some self esteem issues as I’m no longer able to tolerate things that I’d previously convinced myself I could handle.
A whole bunch of shit from my childhood suddenly made sense, and I’m now more aware of when I’m having an “autism moment” as my self-awareness is higher.
But I’ve been learning how to function in a neurotypical environment for half a century. My masking and adaptive skills are top tier.
It turns out that if you devote that autism hyperfocus to developing social skills and empathy, you can actually outperform “normies” in these areas, so long as you maintain concentration.
It also helps a lot that on a scale of 1 to Rainman, I’m at best a 2. I don’t have the more severe challenges that some people have.
I was in trouble at work for issues that in hindsight were all to do with my autism. Once I had my diagnosis, things changed and they were willing to offer reasonable adjustments (point blank refused before, which is legally questionable).
Other than that, it made things clearer. Life was like assembling a huge jigsaw puzzle, but a lot of the pieces were facing down, so it was borderline impossible. The diagnosis turned all the pieces the right side up. I still have to do the work to assemble the puzzle, but now I know what I’m working with
I don’t yet have an official diagnosis but im 99% sure I am (I’m on a waiting list to get evaluated).
TBH it’s made a huge difference. I’m able to wayyy better understand my triggers and understand how/why I react to things in certain ways. It has made some stuff more difficult, but honestly I feel like I’m a better and more well rounded person now that I have this puzzle piece in my life.
My employers stopped taking me seriously. When I left my last school, they canned my band program, because there was “no room for it.” I had almost 100 kids in my band program. I keep my ASD to myself now.
Comments
Ultimate better understanding of myself and why I’m the way I am but it has slightly backfired and made me more self-conscious in some ways. Realizing you’re autistic as an adult is the ultimate liberation, especially when your life doesn’t resemble everyone elses despite your best efforts.
My childhood suddenly made a lot more sense in retrospect. But it was also a source of deep grief and mourning that I wasn’t able to get help at a time in my life that it would have made a difference.
Not really. I still feel like an imposter with the label even though I was officially diagnosed. And I don’t really need any additional supports, so it’s just been business as usual.
Yeah I got put on RFK’s list apparently
Ye s. I’d previously been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Also had to fight against being slapped with bipolar/borderline diagnoses because they’re the “female” metal health issues. Over a decade or so I tried a bunch of medication, including ketamine, with 0 positive results. The typical therapy didn’t do a lot of god either.
I ended up randomly taking a bunch of online ASD assessments, which I have never done before, and scored ridiculously high on all of them. Mentioned it to my Dr, who actually listened and I got tested.
Getting the diagnosis has been very helpful. So many little jumbled pieces of my life finally clicked. I’ve stopped the horrible medication experiments and started therapy that’s actually been helpful.
There’s definitely been a grief process going one, but overall I’m glad to know what my underlying issue is and how to actually help myself.
It confirmed things I suspected, and took a little time to sink in.
The funniest part is that whenever I’d tell a friend about my diagnosis, they’d never even try to act surprised. Guess it really was that obvious.
Found out I’m autistic at age 65. Found out that I’m strongly ADHD when it overwhelmed me at age 74.
Then found out that my GPs didn’t believe in it and just gave me emotion suppressing pills “because you are difficult”.
FML
This probably a dumb question but what precisely is autism?
I was about 18 (so four years ago)
Nothing huge changed. I’d suspected autism since I was about twelve, I think. I’d been reading/researching for years, so it kind of just confirmed what I already knew.
I don’t mask as much as I used to. People still seem to like me, and it’s easier when I don’t mask. It’s nice that I know for sure now, it really explained my childhood, but I wish I had known for sure earlier on.
When my husband was diagnosed, it gave us tools to understand his behaviour, his emotions, and his struggles. We also gained the ability to research for solutions that worked for other people with autism instead of constantly wondering “why?”. It explained everything and changed the context for everything. Autism isn’t easy but being depressed because you can’t do what you’re expected to do and you don’t know why is far worse.
I was able to make sense about a lot things that didn’t make sense to me and was better able to account for things that could happen going forward.
I know you see people online who like to use autism as a catchall scapegoat. But honestly is more akin to going to the eye doctor and flips the lens until it lands on one that clears your perspective up.
“Huh….well that explains some things.”
What changed for me is now I let myself engage in behaviour that stems from autism, whereas before I tried my hardest to “act normal” and “be normal”.
But I have internalised a lot of the “be normal” stuff so I sometimes still beat myself up about behaving like a person with autism. And I feel a lot of grief for younger me who tried so fucking hard for so many years. It feels like I harmed myself by putting so much energy into masking. And sometimes I wonder how much unconscious masking I still do.
I’m not diagnosed yet but I’m 99% sure myself and have been for over 20 years. I have had my initial assessment which indicated I probably have adhd, autism, dyslexia, dyscalcuia and dyspraxia.
It’s already brought me some relief to know that some of the things that have interrupted my life the most are just because my brain is wired that way.
Like the top comment says there’s also some grief around who I could have been if I’d had help.
I dropped out of university despite leaving secondary school with the highest exam results in my year so I’m not stupid, I just couldn’t handle university.
My marriage likely failed because I think we are both autistic and that was a struggle. I am selectively mute, (i hate that phrase as there’s nothing really selective about it as I physically cannot make myself speak when I’m upset, looks a lot like the silent treatment when it’s not I literally cannot speak.) my ex has huge empathy for the world and have worked for charities for over 20 years. Is in amnesty international and has been on radio and tv during human rights protests. The man has so much empathy for the world but struggles to have empathy for his friends and family members and that was hugely difficult for me particularly. If we’d gotten diagnosed when we were younger possibly we could have navigated our marriage better. That said I’m glad we both are pretty sure now as we have a pretty great co parenting relationship.
I do also think my kids are autistic but both are highly intelligent so school have not picked it up. I’m hoping my own diagnosis when it comes may help my kids with one too.
Had a Menty B because it all made sense and was also diagnosed with ADHD so with its powers combined! Yeah it all made sense but also what’s worse is my parents knew and didn’t want me to know so I would you know “act normal” which made criticism and abuse a bit more severe. Im also a lady and ladies or girls are not supposed to be able to run faster than boys or climb trees or want to look at bugs or play in mud and I did all of that. I found nature comforting. After the breakdown though I let myself be my true self and I’m much more at peace and happier for it and no more judgmental family.
My depression has gotten so better. I am able to work through the feeling that I never do anything right. Cause I don’t. And that’s ok. It’s not anything I’m DOING. It’s who I am.
I’m also better able to advocate for myself. I can’t communicate my discomfort if I don’t know I’m the only one uncomfortable.
I feel a lot less guilt for being “antisocial”. For not drinking or partying or meeting up with friends on the weekends or for not wanting kids. All of the expectations I put on myself, that society put on me, no longer apply. I am a weird autistic lady with 4 cats and a husband who loves me and that’s all I need. And if I can’t handle traffic today, that’s fine. If I can’t deal with family today, they understand. My niece doesn’t get upset if I don’t make it to her lacrosse game.
It just…. Everything suddenly made sense.
Everything changed. Most of the self-hate and shame faded away. The ghost of my inner child felt vindicated (mostly). I always knew I was an alien, but I felt as if I had some amnesia, and couldn’t recall which planet I fell from. I can take the human mask off now. (Mostly).
I gave myself grace for my childhood and teen struggles. I also got work accommodations that have helped me tremendously.
But the biggest take away is finally understanding why I struggled for so many unhappy years and allowing myself to not guilt/beat up my life path because the world was not made for me but forcing me to be what it wants.
Realizing that every interaction I had with people was not what I thought it was. People think differently than me, and I probably didn’t understand what was going on when I thought everything was okay.
I never understood why I was losing friends until I realized that I may have been too blunt or critical in some of my interactions. Everything in the last 35 years became clearer and I understood things a little differently.
Realizing that my struggles weren’t entirely my fault, that my brain didn’t work the say way as everyone around me.
Realizing that my parents (or any other adult in my life) didn’t care enough to notice my struggles to have me tested. My mother still believes autism is caused by vaccines.
Finding out that my struggles in school were explainable. I had difficulties in Language Arts and Social Studies. Teachers called me lazy for not writing more in my answers. But I just didn’t have the ability to really explain things through writing.
Yes I started accepting myself more instead of fighting myself. Further I learned terms that helped me understand how to communicate my needs, and I learned how to understand them better.
Female, Australian, 34 years old when diagnosed.
The biggest one: I tried for 15 years to get myself sterilised, no doc would touch me. Months after my diagnosis suddenly I was finding doctors receptive to the idea and finally had the operation. The change in their attitude could’ve been caused from my advanced age, or the new diagnosis. I suspect it was a bit of both.
Small stuff: I’m a bit more forgiving to myself about the social stuff I can’t get right, despite desperately trying. Still kick my own ass when I come to the realisation that I’ve put my foot in my mouth again, but I get over it quicker. The midnight cringe fest of self hate is much reduced.
I can say to myself, it is what it is, and accept it.
Everything changed and at the same time, nothing at all. I am fighting my own ableism and i sincerely hope i will be the one changing.
Nothing
i was diagnosed last year at 20, and it was such a moment of clarity after being unsure for so long. i’ll admit i’ve had struggles with accepting that this is the truth, this is who i am and have always been. but i’m learning to give myself more grace and help the people around me to understand my needs too. overall pretty positive! 🙂
Assessment was two years ago when I was 34 – processing it is still ongoing. It explains a lot, but it’s proving surprisingly difficult to forgive myself for things that weren’t entirely my fault. Not that I’m absolved of all responsibility, but things would have been very different if I knew then what I know now.
I am also entirely blind to any sort of romantic interest, but that’s no great loss. I don’t think I’d make a good partner.
Nice try fed
Just a lot of retrospective “Oh, that’s why…” for things that should have been very obvious in hindsight.
Well I wasn’t diagnosed as an adult- I just found out I was diagnosed as an adult, so I don’t know if it applies let me explain;
I was diagnosed as a kid and my mother didn’t tell me and wouldn’t let them put it on my records because she was afraid it would “hurt my academic prospects”.
Well as it turns out trying to function in the world as an autistic person who doesn’t know they’re an autistic person WILL HURT THEIR ACADEMIC PROSPECTS.
When my mom finally told me in my late 20s I was floored. It made everything fall into line.
Why I have to fake eye contact by looking at people’s foreheads. Why I got so overwhelmed so easily. Why some noises that bothered nobody would drill into my head. Why I never seemed to be on the same page socially. Why my facial expressions didn’t seem to line up with what I was feeling. Why holding down a job was so difficult. Why my sense of humor was off. Why I was always seeking sensory experiences. Why it always felt like I was acting instead of socializing. Why I cared less about dressing and being “weird”. Why I didn’t seem to form biases against people the same way as others.
I used to associate it with ADHD, which was a diagnosis she did accept because my father was diagnosed ADHD in the 1970s and was part of big clinical trials- hard to deny. Also it could be medicated.
Honestly it made me feel both angry (because it was hidden from me) but also… Better. I didn’t feel broken. I didn’t feel like a failure. I finally understood why I didn’t thrive!! Not much has changed other than knowing where to look for tools on how to navigate the world when it gets too much and knowing that I’m not just defunct… I’m just different… And that’s okay.
I’m not autistic enough, apparently, so a lot of judgement tbh
Well I. Believe I have adult autism because I get at least 80 percent on the quizzes. It was pretty revealing.
Yes I live happily in a care facility now 🩵
It helped me suddenly make sense of a lot of things and find better solutions to overcome them.
It also improved my mental state a lot because I realised there was an actual reason I, for example, can’t be anywhere near polystyrene when it moves because of the sound it makes, and I’m able to properly explain it all now, rather than just being “difficult” like I was before.
I was able to add autism jokes to my extensive collection of self-debasing dark humor.
How I took care of myself changed as well as my ability to forgive myself.
I eventually got the right therapist who stopped me from ending up in hospitals a lot.
A lot of things I’d previously dismissed as quirks or as just me being “weird” or “different” or otherwise abnormal suddenly made sense. The diagnosis has also allowed me to be a bit kinder to myself (not by much, but that’s a behaviour I’m working to change), and it has given me the words and power to request adjustments at work that can allow me to do better as an employee (and so hopefully keep a job for longer).
That said, it has also fucked up my ability to mask by forcing me to realise that I was masking for most of my life, which has led to some self esteem issues as I’m no longer able to tolerate things that I’d previously convinced myself I could handle.
Not really.
A whole bunch of shit from my childhood suddenly made sense, and I’m now more aware of when I’m having an “autism moment” as my self-awareness is higher.
But I’ve been learning how to function in a neurotypical environment for half a century. My masking and adaptive skills are top tier.
It turns out that if you devote that autism hyperfocus to developing social skills and empathy, you can actually outperform “normies” in these areas, so long as you maintain concentration.
It also helps a lot that on a scale of 1 to Rainman, I’m at best a 2. I don’t have the more severe challenges that some people have.
I was in trouble at work for issues that in hindsight were all to do with my autism. Once I had my diagnosis, things changed and they were willing to offer reasonable adjustments (point blank refused before, which is legally questionable).
Other than that, it made things clearer. Life was like assembling a huge jigsaw puzzle, but a lot of the pieces were facing down, so it was borderline impossible. The diagnosis turned all the pieces the right side up. I still have to do the work to assemble the puzzle, but now I know what I’m working with
I don’t yet have an official diagnosis but im 99% sure I am (I’m on a waiting list to get evaluated).
TBH it’s made a huge difference. I’m able to wayyy better understand my triggers and understand how/why I react to things in certain ways. It has made some stuff more difficult, but honestly I feel like I’m a better and more well rounded person now that I have this puzzle piece in my life.
“OH, you mean my reaction to socks, my inability to wear my hair down, and the fact I cry if my shirt has a tag, were all related? Neat-o.”
No, nothing changed. Maybe some self acceptance?
Yes, I got the proper help I needed and a lot of my anxiety vanished. I still struggle but now I know why and I can deal with it better.
No. Maybe some relief in understanding why I’m not like lot of other people, and my reduced emotional understanding isn’t because I’m a psychopath.
My employers stopped taking me seriously. When I left my last school, they canned my band program, because there was “no room for it.” I had almost 100 kids in my band program. I keep my ASD to myself now.