I posted the following on age gap subreddit for some advice. Not may responses but they were all, just give it a go and see. However, I realise people using that subreddit might be rather bias, and this is an important decision so wanted to try here too.
I (M 34) have been dating this woman (F 21) for just over a year, there’s a 13 year age gap. Just want to add we live in mainland Europe.
This is not something I would usually consider for a serious relationship, nor someone I would even pursue, but we were both struggling dealing with issues with our exs, she chased me, and we eventually bonded due to time spent together. It’s ended up becoming a lot more serious, and we’ve both made it very clear we love each other. Took me a while to get there and admit it, as I was concerned about the age gap, but she’s a wonderful woman, she makes me genuinely happy and I can totally see my life with her.
Now, we’re in a phase of figuring out the best thing to do, get together and give it a proper go, or end things. She initially wanted to get together and I was dragging my feet, due to the above concerns, but now I’m all in, and while she’s said she loves me and can’t imagine her life without me, she’s also concerned she’s at a phase in her life where she might want to figure out things on her own.
I totally get that. And that’s why I’m here asking for advice from people in similar situations. I’d hate for her to eventually end up resenting me if we got together and it turned out to be the wrong decision.
So, to all the people, male or female, that dated an older guy or gal, please share your experiences, and let me know if it was a great decision, a bad one, somewhere in-between etc. What’s the good and bad.
I know people who have had 30yr long relationships with the above kind of age gap and are still happy, but I’m also not naïve to the fact that, generally, they’re probably less likely to work out (that’s a total assumption based on literally no evidence though!). I understand some people will sometimes judge the larger age gaps, and frankly I’m someone who would always question it too if I was told – but I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt and meet the people involved/understand everyone has different circumstances.
Be honest, be brutal, be kind – I don’t mind. I just don’t want make a decision that ends up hurting someone, or holding someone back as that would be unfair, I just need different peoples perspectives.
TL;DR: We both love each other, and I need perspective. Some age gap relationships work, some don’t, can she figure herself out with me (and I also figure more about what I want in life), or do we need to consider going our own ways.
Thanks!
Comments
She said she’s not sure this is what she wants, so let her go so she can figure it out. That’s an age-appropriate thing for her.
In the mean time, date people your own age.
I’m 12 years older than my wife and everything is fine.
I’m 59, she’s 47 but we have tons in common and enough differences to keep things interesting. I know guys my age who are overgrown boys, more interested in playing video games than anything else. I know plenty of people who are younger but much more mature and have wide-ranging interests.
The weirdest part is being mistaken for my wife’s father. I play a wizard at renaissance festivals and keep my grey beard long, so that’s a big contributor. We laugh when it happens. So be prepared for that in a few decades!
If you’re happy, you don’t need to worry about what other people think.
Even with the absolute best of intentions, this kind of gap almost never works. She is still in the part of her life where she is growing and changing rapidly, and since you’re not that’s a huge stressor on the relationship.
There are miracle couples, of course, but generally the stigma exists for a reason.