TD;LR I couldn’t wake my fiancée up after he had a few drinks, while my sick cat was having a seizure and stayed alone at the ER all night with him and he passed, now I feel numb and unfeeling towards my fiancée
A bit of backstory: My fiancée 27 M and I, 25 F have been together for 3 years and engaged for 5 months. We have had some issues along the way, but I truly felt in love with him and like we could work through anything. A couple months ago one of our cats got sick, this cat was a stray that just started coming around one day and I started taking him inside sometimes, primarily when the weather was crazy. Well over the last two months my boy got very sick with some GI stuff, and I was having to take him to the vet every week, sometimes more, he was on 5 types of meds, he was rapidly losing weight and it was me who was there, hand feeding him, giving his meds 2 and 3 times a day, staying with him for hours so he wasn’t alone (he stayed in my guest room with how sick he was), keep in mind I’m also a full time student and have a full time job so anytime I wasn’t at work/school I was with my cat trying to make sure he was okay and I did everything I could, so many vet visits, calling off work, rearranging my schedule, bloodwork, x rays, fluids multiple times a week, tried 100 types of cat food to find any kind he would eat, paying the thousands of dollars in vet bills. I was carrying the whole weight and responsibility of my boy’s illness. Recently my angel baby passed away and I am absolutely devastated. My boy ended up having a seizure, this was at about 1:30am and I was there with him, I got ready to rush him to the ER and I was trying to wake my fiancée up, but he had a good amount of whiskey that night and would not wake up more than just a couple mumbles and back out, and I was literally screaming for him, I ended up having to go to the ER by myself and I was there holding my kitty’s paw and face until the end. Alone. For almost 5 hours. I feel very numb towards my fiancée right now, I know it’s not completely his fault, but I feel like this traumatic experience has changed how I see and feel for him for some reason. He tried to apologize for not being there more when he could have and I felt nothing. I don’t wish this to happen because I do care about him but when I look at him now I feel nothing but apathy and ambivalence, I feel frustrated and I’m worried this situation has made my feelings change for him.
Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Looking for advice.
Thanks for reading.
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Only you know if you can get over this.
Be ready to put your foot down, and move out.
Wish I had a solution for you, but I feel your frustration. I’m sorry for your loss of your sweet kitty.
Does he get black out drunk like that a lot? That a pretty big red flag if he does. Him not helping with nursing the sick cat is another red flag. You do know you will be stuck taking care of all the child care, if you have children. How tolerant will a black out drunk be with noisy kids anyway?
I’m so sorry for you and your loss. Be gentle with yourself and your feelings. You may be feeling this way because it is all so fresh, or maybe because this is a symptom of a bigger problem.
If it’s primarily because it is fresh, it is hard having anger without a proper thing to blame. Although your fiancé should have been there for you, you are ultimately most upset about your kitty passing. It’s nobodies fault he passed, you did absolutely everything in your power for him. Your fiancé should have behaved better, but it’s not his fault your kitty passed either.
To me it seems there could be some prior problems about his drinking and/or you feeling like you can count on him? If it is this, I would take time and sit with yourself and consider it.
Regardless, give yourself grace (to be mad at him, at the world, to be upset). I’m so sorry for your loss. If and when you are able, give your fiancé grace too – he loves you and wants to be there for you
Honey, does he drink like this often?
If it’s a one off, it was an accident, and you not being able to wake him up is one of those things you may be able to get over because it’s tied to the trauma. In that case, the trauma is just currently painting how you view him because you’re raw.
If it’s frequent, and you’re feeling this way, it’s because deep down in your brain, it’s yelling at you that this is a red flag and that the future that you thought you had with this guy doesn’t look like you thought it would. Meaning, it’s recognized that the next time there’s a crisis, will you be alone? Or will he be sober enough to help meet your needs?
If this is a frequent thing that happens, your brain has changed how it views him because it now sees him as a threat. The way to change that is to find out if he’ll quit drinking.
If it’s not a frequent thing, then it’s because you’re really traumatized and working through it and your brain hasn’t decided if he’s someone that you can trust and feel safe with. In this case, I’d highly recommend working with a therapist who deals with trauma.
In the other case, I’d wait, find out if he’s going to stop drinking so this doesn’t happen again, and then if he won’t, leave. I’d still suggest therapy because losing a pet in a traumatic way is horrific, and you could use someone helping you work through your feelings so this doesn’t become trauma from the relationship.
I’m so sorry that you lost your sweet kitty this way.
I’m sorry for your loss. Kitty was lucky to to have someone that loved him so much taking care of him.
I have 5 cats and all of them are near 13-14 years old. 3 have CKD, one is diabetic, 2 take daily pills for high blood pressure and so on. They are my whole life, I spend a lot of time and money making sure they are well taken care of. My wife is as crazy for them as I am. So they are a big part of our life and routine. We give up on a lot of things to make sure they get the best care.
In your shoes, I would definitely resent my partner if I had to be the sole caregiver for this cat you brought in. From your post, it seems like the burden was 100% on you, and that’s a big fucking weight to carry alone. And then the whole not being able to rely on him when you needed him the most, sounds pretty fucking bad to me. At the very least I would nourish some resentment even if just for the “not being there for you” part. I guess it really depend on how much you are able to let this go.
I know I wouldn’t, so at the very least I would have to have a very sincere conversation with them.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Can you show us a picture of the cat?
It’s unusual but it does happen where an event like this just kills someone’s attraction to a man. It makes sense because if he’s not there for you in this crisis then will he be there for you in other crises—involving a baby, someone trying to assault you, etc. If your body is done with him then it’s done with him, like rejecting an organ transplant.
That said, whether you’re willing to give it some time and try to move past this depends on the fundamentals of the relationship I think. Does he have a drinking problem or did he get drunk because it was a special occasion? Is he usually there for you and supportive or does he routinely neglect your feelings?